Ms. Katie wants to know what I would do if Jesus came aknockin', and I am pleased to share my answer.
First of all, he would probably ring the door bell, which would piss me off. No one who knows me well uses the front door. (dirty joke ahead...wait...here it comes...) All my good friends use the back door.
The door bell ringing would send my dogs into a frenzied rage until Jesus crossed the threshold into my home, at which time they would commence their usual violent tongue wagging and pleas for belly rubs.
I would probably offer him something to drink and maybe a bowl of water for his donkey who is welcome to stay in the yard.
My older daughter would most likely force him into a game of My Little Pony Happy Fun Dress Up Time and inevitably ask him if he has a penis.
My younger daughter would most likely stare from a safe distance whilst hiding behind my legs. She doesn't trust men with beards and I can't say that I blame her.
Small talk would be awkward as I'm sure He would already know that I'm an Atheist. I might not ever be convinced by the many Fundies I've encountered in my life, but I could be swayed by a little water-to-wine action on His part.
I'd feel obliged to make Him dinner--fish perhaps? What would Jesus eat?
It wouldn't be fair to keep such a special visitor a secret, so naturally I'd have to drive him around to visit with friends.
"Oh my God!" They would say when they saw who I was with.
"Exactly!" I would reply, cracking myself up.
Maybe we would go shopping. That robe look is so 2,000 years ago. A nice pair of jeans goes a long way in making a man look his best. He's got that long and sinewy thing goin' on--maybe a fitted t-shirt to top of the new ensemble.
Most importantly, I would give him a haircut. Can you imagine the scraggles he has going on? If he would let me, I think a deep conditioner would do him a world of good.
Being married, I don't think my husband would think too highly of me getting any kind of action with The Jeez. I suppose He has the power to erase memories or stop time,so it's not completely out of the cards. I'd almost have to do it. When would I ever get a chance like this again?!
I'm supposed to tag 5 other people:
Grant Miller Media
Blowing Shit Up With Gas
God's Own Suburb
Note: I have no idea why I can't double space the last part of this. What the fuck?