tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18679640032108581052024-03-07T15:58:15.054-06:00Better Living Through BaconBacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.comBlogger272125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-86773362079821858072009-04-01T09:35:00.005-05:002009-04-01T09:44:20.699-05:00BraggartI'm currently taking the second of the five classes I need to finish my Associates degree--three of which are math.<br /><br />I'm not a huge fan of the numbers game, but I decided I would suck it up and plow through to get the piece of paper I've wanted to get for a looong time. I can't transfer back into ISU to get my four year degree without the math, so here we are.<br /><br />When I went to take the placement test a few months ago, I only tested into the second lowest math class. No big shock there. I haven't taken a math class since high school unless you count the statistics class I passed by the skin of my teeth back at ISU.<br /><br />Last week we took the fourth test of the semester. This one was supposed to be, in my professor's words, "the really tough one".<br /><br />And what did I get on it?<br /><br />95, bitches.<br /><br />Ninety-frimframmin'-five.<br /><br />Not only that but, because he decided to grade this test on a curve because of the "poor showing of grades", I found out that I had the highest score in the class.<br /><br />Of course, Jim was quick to point out that I just fucked up the curve for everyone else. Somehow that made it all the more sweet. Is that mean? Do I care?<br /><br />This is so unexpected. I never thought I would do well in a math class. The first three tests went fairly well but my grades have been steadily getting worse as we take each one. I got a 90, 88, then an 83. Naturally I expected that I would gradually get lower on this one.<br /><br />But NOPE.<br /><br />I'm just going to go ahead and congratulate the hell out of myself for the rest of the day. Who knows when this will happen again?Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-37270585124710467552009-03-29T06:37:00.003-05:002009-03-29T07:09:50.903-05:00Not dead yet...Once again, I have slacked on the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ol</span>' Bacon Blog. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Didya</span>' miss me?<br /><br />Had a fantastic time at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">DisneyWorld</span>!<br /><br />We drove up Friday night and stayed at a hotel near the airport. It was a really nice place. We would have enjoyed it more if we didn't have to get up at like 3 o'clock in the morning to get ready for our flight.<br /><br />We got to Orlando around 1pm on Saturday and checked into our super swank hotel. We were at the Magic Kingdom by 2. <br /><br />It was so <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">weird</span> to just...go. With kids you need to plan and pack stuff and make sure <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">everyone's</span> gone to the bathroom and tell them to quit bickering or you'll turn the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">metaphorical</span> car around, blah blah blah. That day, we just walked into the park and commenced the fun.<br /><br />We stayed at that park until about 7, then headed over to Epcot. We'd never been there, so we didn't know what to expect. Um, I pretty much LOVE Epcot at night.<br /><br />We headed straight for the World Showcase and located the Germany section. Somehow we lucked into a table for their dinner. Holy shit, was it good.<br /><br />I got a beer flight (or is it a flight of beer?). Good food and great beer! What more could I ask for? <br /><br />They seat you "family style" at this place, so you sit with people you don't know. There was a family at the end of our table that we didn't talk to, but across from us was an adorable couple that we chatted with the entire time. <br /><br />Turns out they both work for Disney. One of the guys plays characters from Prince Charming to the Beast (of Beauty and the Beast). The other guy does mostly dancing in the parades at the MK and Hollywood Studios. At first, they were trying to be all coy about what their jobs were. I guess they aren't really supposed to talk about it out in "civilian" life but once the beer started flowing, all bets were off.<br /><br />We told them we were coming back in December with the girls. They said we should get in touch with them (we're <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">facebook</span> friends now, natch) and they would set up some special treatment. I'm not going to count on it, but it would be over the top fantastic if all the stuff there were talking about (priority parade seating, personal meet and greets with the princesses) actually happens. I would love to blow the girls' minds with that.<br /><br />Epcot closed at 8pm so we didn't get a chance to stay very long. I honestly didn't give a crap about the rest of the park. The liquor flows at Epcot and that alone made me a huge fan!<br /><br />Sunday we decided to check out Hollywood Studios. Neither of us had ever been there either and we were excited to see what was going on there.<br /><br />That place is amazing! <br /><br />First we did the Star Tours ride and giggled like little kids. As you walk out of pretty much every ride, there is a gift shop. We had one of those pictures taken where they put your face into a different scene. If you're ever in my neck of the woods, go down to the shop and ask Jim to show you our Han Solo/Princess Leia portrait. It's genius.<br /><br />We rode the Tower of Terror and I think Jim pooped his pants a little. It actually is terrifying. I loved it.<br /><br />Then, the cherry on top of the whole trip: the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Aerosmith</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Rockin</span>' <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Rollercoaster</span>.<br /><br />Oh.Sweet.Jesus.<br /><br />The cheese factor is off the charts. It's fantastic. <br /><br />After you get through the line (Absolutely <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">fastpass</span> this bitch. The line can get outrageous), you are sent into the "recording studio". The band is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">rockin</span>' out when their manager comes in to tell them they are late for their show. Oh, but what about all our "friends" here? Let's bring them, of course!<br /><br />Cheese upon cheese. Perfection.<br /><br />The coaster itself, while on the short side, is great. Like, really really great. You pretty much go from 0-60 in like two seconds. And you go upside down. When we were riding the second time my backpack come out from between my feet. When we stopped, I had a mini panic attack thinking it was lying somewhere in the deep recesses of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Aerosmith</span> land. Luckily it just slid over to Jim's feet. <br /><br />We had lunch at the Sci-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Fi</span> drive in restaurant. You basically sit in cars and watch old science fiction movies while you eat. Kitschy and awesome.<br /><br />Oh, and they serve drinks at this park too! <br /><br />I saw that the American Idol Experience was open, so I had to check that out. I'm a huge dork for that show, so I wanted to see what this "ride" was all about. <br /><br />Right before we got in line, Jim and I got these HUGE beers from a vendor and went to wait in line. Apparently they don't want you to drink while you wait in line for this, so we had to chug our beers before <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">queuing</span> up. <br /><br />Let's just say that made the whole thing WAY funnier that it probably was.<br /><br />We went to see this Indiana Jones show and little museum-y type thing about Walt Disney. <br /><br />After that, we went back to Epcot and drank some wine in Italy and France. It was so pretty out there at night. We stayed for the fireworks, then it started to rain and we caught a cab back to our hotel.<br /><br />All in all, we had a blast. Our kids think we went to "the beach". They also think "the beach" has a huge Disney store where we got all the gifts we brought back.<br /><br />I cannot wait to take them back in December!Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-68765103320776041742009-02-11T18:37:00.004-06:002009-02-11T18:59:27.552-06:00Two first class tickets to Hell, please.I'm evil. And I love it.<br /><br />Two days ago I was enjoying the spring-like weather. Something about the crack in the death grip of winter always gives me a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">new found</span> motivation to to leave my house and get shit done.<br /><br />I was reading an article on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">cnn</span>.com about how Vegas is practically giving away hotel rooms and the airlines are following suit in the cheapness.<br /><br />Just for the hell of it I looked up what it would cost to sneak out there this weekend for a quick and dirty getaway and was severely disappointed to find that we'd have to fly out of Seattle or LA to get these supposed "great deals". Bah!<br /><br />I mentioned to Jim that it would be fun to go somewhere this weekend. The girls have Monday off and we could send them to his parents' house and take off.<br /><br />And that is when things took a turn for the crazy.<br /><br />You see, Jim knows a guy who can get free passes to Disney World.<br /><br />Totally joking Jim said, "We should go there for the weekend and not take the kids."<br /><br />After we stopped laughing <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">maniacally</span> we gave it some serious thought.<br /><br />I didn't think he would really call that guy and see if we could get the passes, but sure as shit Jim called me an hour after he got to work to tell me that we would have them in hand in a couple of days.<br /><br />Jim knows someone else that works for a hotel chain that happens to have a property about 2 miles from the Magic <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Kindgdom</span> and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">whattaya</span>' know? We can get a room there for next to nothing!<br /><br />It all came down to airfare which, after all was said and done, cost more than I like to pay but this was so last minute I really can't complain. Considering the deal we are getting on the rest of our stay, I just decided to suck it up and pull the trigger.<br /><br />We're going to tell them that we are going to Chicago...which is true. We are flying out of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">O'Hare</span>. We aren't even telling his parents where we are going just in case they slip. They know we are catching a flight, but that's it.<br /><br />All photographic proof of this trip will be hidden in a safe deposit box until our children are old enough to be charged as adults for stabbing us in our sleep for leaving them home.<br /><br />This whole thing happened so fast and it is seriously fucking with my Type A personality.<br /><br />I'm pretty excited, not just because we really dig going to Disney World, but also to actually be getting away--just the two of us. We never ever do stuff like this, but here we are.<br /><br />Happy (almost) Spring!Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-4078320892249827372009-01-29T19:18:00.005-06:002009-01-29T19:44:46.035-06:00Relatives and sex toys should never ever come up in the same conversationIn the infancy of my 21st year, some friends and I went to New York for our Spring Break. <br /><br />I have family there who, at the time, lived on the upper west side. Super swank. And they voluntarily allowed us to stay with them. In fact they encouraged it. What were they thinking?<br /><br />Each night, we'd all have dinner together and they would send the four of us out the door with subway tokens and a map.<br /><br />"Have fun girls! Be back before dawn...if you feel like it."<br /><br />We would scan the paper for any good bands playing and haul our gussied up selves to see them.<br /><br />Naturally we had to hit CBGB's (RIP) and we also ended up at several other places I couldn't find on a map today if I tried. We made friends wherever we went and one night ended up at some dive on Avenue A smoking pot with some whacked out locals. That night I think we laid our collective heads on our pillows just as the sun woke up.<br /><br />It was a fantastic time. My Aunt and Uncle took such good care of us and we all said a teary goodbye as the vacation ended.<br /><br />I spoke with my Aunt when I got home and thanked her again for showing us such wonderful hospitality. She said that we forgot a few things at their apartment and she would be sending them to me shortly.<br /><br />A couple weeks later the package arrived.<br /><br />Someone left a shirt or something. Maybe there was a tube of mascara in there. My Aunt had also sent me a kick ass messenger bag and t-shirt she thought I would like (and she was right).<br /><br />I had 7 roommates at the time. We lived in this enormous house and, believe it or not, we all had our own bedrooms. Most everyone was hanging out in the living room the day I got the package so they all watched me open it.<br /><br />I was so excited about the cool shirt and new bag that I failed to notice the looks of horror and shock slowly taking over my roommates' faces.<br /><br />I looked up and someone said, "So...your Aunt's pretty laid back, eh?"<br /><br />"What do you mean?"<br /><br />Then I looked down at the box.<br /><br />And saw it.<br /><br />There, resting gently in a sea of bubble wrap was an unwrapped, presumably used vibrator.<br /><br />My first thought was that someone in our traveling gaggle had left it there, but who? No one fessed up.<br /><br />My second and way more disturbing thought was that my Aunt sent it to me as a gift.<br /><br />I didn't know which was worse: My Aunt handling my friend's vibrator or her thinking of me while cleaning out her stash (like I said, it wasn't packaged or wrapped as if it were new--it already had batteries in it!). Did she think I needed it? <br /><br />I knew it wasn't mine. I would have said so right away, and I certainly wouldn't have left it at my Aunt's house. Come to think of it, I would not have brought it on (that kind of) vacation at all.<br /><br />A few days later my Aunt called to make sure the package arrived, and I was terrified she would bring up the giant phallic elephant in the room.<br /><br />She didn't.<br /><br />I saw her two summers ago at my cousin's wedding and we email back and forth now and again. I really really want to ask her about it now that more than a decade has passed since the incident.<br /><br />How exactly would one bring this type of subject up?Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-58104971427158518612009-01-19T07:30:00.004-06:002009-01-19T08:05:25.882-06:00You say it's your birthday...Well, it's my birthday too, yeah.<br /><br />No, really. It is.<br /><br />I'm 35 now. Wheeee!<br /><br />I was going to try and post something deep and introspective but let's face it. I'm not all that deep and introspection is for navel gazing emo boys. <br /><br />Instead I will share the story of two people from my past who share my same day of birth. One a year younger and one a year older.<br /><br />First the younger, Mindy (not her real name).<br /><br />I met Mindy my sophomore year in high school. I don't know how we started hanging out, but it probably had something to do with the fact that we both liked cigarettes, booze and writing (awful awful) poetry.<br /><br />We thought ourselves deep. No one could possibly understand the depth of our deepness. Oh no.<br /><br />Sometimes we would meet at the library to <em>study</em>. <em>Studying</em> consisted of us walking down to the 7-11 to buy a Big Gulp of Pepsi to mix with our pilfered whiskey and smoking as many cigarettes as we could suck down.<br /><br />Mindy was by far the bigger JD which is really saying something because I was no Pollyanna myself. I just never got caught.<br /><br />Which brings us to our story.<br /><br />One day Mindy and I were hanging with another acquaintance, Sheila. Sheila was kind of a puppy dog. Didn't really have an opinion about anything and was just happy to be part of the team. Present day, she's probably got a comfortable desk job at Human Resources somewhere.<br /><br />She was a nice girl. So nice that she gave Mindy and I a bottle of peppermint schnapps she stole from her parents' liquor cabinet to prove...I don't know what she was trying to prove. I do know we happily accepted it and stashed it for later. Mindy and I were going to the football game that night.<br /><br />I'm not sure why. Maybe we just needed to get out of the house. Maybe there was a boy involved. Doesn't matter. We were going and we were planning on putting away at least some of that bottle beforehand.<br /><br />Cut to the second quarter of the game. Mindy's leaning on me and not making any sense. As "hardcore" as we thought we were, we really didn't drink much of that bottle. Peppermint schnapps is gross. I didn't want to be drunk that badly.<br /><br />Unbeknownst to me, Mindy was on some psychiatric medication that...you guessed it...you shouldn't drink with. Hey now! That would have been some useful information. Add to that Mindy drank WAY more than I did.<br /><br />So, I'm literally holding Mindy up in the stands when I catch the eye of someone who was also in the school play with me at the time. I think he saw the fear in my eyes, and helped me drag her out of there.<br /><br />I don't know why I thought we could get out of there without attracting the attention of anyone, but 5 minutes later an ambulance was there. It was bad.<br /><br />I didn't hang out with Mindy much more after that. I'm pretty sure that set a precedent in my mind for my distaste of sloppy drunks. Hold your liquor people. And for the love, learn how to mix your booze and drugs properly. Sheesh.<br /><br />My other birthday pal was a boy named Jack (again, not his real name). He was a year older than me and went to a different high school.<br /><br />Jack was "arty" and VERY into himself. I'm embarrassed that I made out with him. He probably pretended he was kissing himself.<br /><br />After a few weeks of phone calls and a train ride into the city, I decided he was just a little too pouty and flouncy for my taste. But that didn't stop him from writing me letters.<br /><br />One letter contained pictures he had taken of himself. In women's clothing.<br /><br />Now, that's all fine and good for him. Kudos to him for being so self aware at 17 to know what he's into. <br /><br />To my 16 year old self though, this was just way too much. <br /><br />I wish I still had those pictures. I threw them away for fear my fundie parents would find them and never let me leave the house again.<br /><br />By the by, I also share a birthday with Kate Moss, Edgar Allan Poe and Janis Joplin.<br /><br />What is it with me and these tragic figures?Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-56090408533304228462009-01-17T08:46:00.005-06:002009-01-17T09:07:08.750-06:00Want to do a good deed?Who doesn't need to shore up their karma account?<br /><br /><br />Audrey's preschool is having a fundraiser. We get 40% of proceeds until January 28th.<br /><br /><br />Go to <a href="http://www.greenraising.com/">http://www.greenraising.com/</a> and pick <strong><em><span style="color:#6600cc;">A Child's View Cooperative Preschool-IL</span></em></strong> from the drop down menu at the top right hand corner of the website.<br /><br />Then buy stuff!<br /><br /><br />It's good for the environment stuff and it helps out our small parent-run preschool.<br /><br />When I was looking for a preschool for my girls I had a hard time finding one that wasn't affiliated with a church. Just about every place in town was. When I found A Child's View I was ecstatic. Just the godless liberal haven I was searching for.<br /><br />Our budget is slim and fundraisers are the only way we can keep chugging along. I'm on the parent board so I know how important these fundraisers are to keep the doors open and the teachers paid (trust me, they work for close to nothing, but love the school and the kids enough to do it anyway).<br /><p>Now go get to shopping!</p><p>If you do buy something, let me know in the comments section so I can lavish you with virtual sloppy kisses and inappropriate touching.</p><p>Thanks!<br /></p>Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-13763034759755205292009-01-16T14:14:00.005-06:002009-01-16T14:35:05.998-06:00Groundhog Day<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiphFPtF7U-kp60h98Dn7A9vjCK60HIdvRtpx16GgMv5-oDh19xYwdi5eJBK4vs3Q6US8RBOt3B3FzzuaCwu3qae5_PqVVGJBDZ8Ts-CWPs43C1meKFDROkWgM9kaddi_CCre72nCrnnpR9/s1600-h/jnmii.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5291991995754789010" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 254px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiphFPtF7U-kp60h98Dn7A9vjCK60HIdvRtpx16GgMv5-oDh19xYwdi5eJBK4vs3Q6US8RBOt3B3FzzuaCwu3qae5_PqVVGJBDZ8Ts-CWPs43C1meKFDROkWgM9kaddi_CCre72nCrnnpR9/s400/jnmii.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div>You've seen it, right? My life is starting to feel like that movie.</div><br /><div></div><div>First they cancelled school on Wednesday, then Thursday, then today. And we already had Monday off.</div><div></div><div> </div><div>I'm getting a leetle bit stir crazy being in the house this long.</div><div></div><br /><div>We have been playing the Wii a LOT. The girls' favorite thing to do (beside Mario Party) is make Miis. We have like 4,000 of them now. Mina's have names like Puffy and Sprinkles and Cutie. Audrey can't spell yet so all of hers are named xczvm,k;l and bljpx;l. I think that's Czech, but I could be wrong.</div><br /><div></div><div>The music has penetrated my soul at this point. The girls are starting to make up words to it.</div><br /><div></div><div>I like those eyes no </div><div>make them bigger pleeeeeease</div><div>I don't like her hair no </div><div>make it lighter theeerrreee</div><div>stop kicking me in the head MOM!</div><div>Get off of me! I'm telling!</div><div>I'm thirsty Mom, please get us some juice</div><div>when is lunch </div><div>I am starved</div><div>Get your foot off of me</div><div>I am going to scream</div><div>She needs bigger eyebrows</div><div>and some freckles</div><div>make her short....</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>You get the gist.</div><div></div><br /><div>Soon it's going to be like another movie around here.</div><br /><br /><div></div><div>The Shining.</div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div>Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-25137760629457154962009-01-14T11:56:00.002-06:002009-01-14T12:10:46.313-06:00SNOW DAY!I'm digging it. <br /><br />hahahahahaha...whoo boy. The jokes just don't stop around here.<br /><br />My favorite part of a snow day is when the snow plow comes down my street and puts a a two foot snow drift at the end of the driveway--the driveway I just shovelled.<br /><br />Good times.<br /><br />I hear we're supposed to get more tonight in addition to painful subzero wind chill factors. <br /><br />As I was scooping out the artic shelf at the end of my driveway, I noticed that my neighbor hadn't touched his yet.<br /><br />Normally this particular neighbor has his shit down to the pavement before I've finished my first cup of coffee.<br /><br />He's well past retirement age, but in fantastic shape. I see him riding his bike all over the neighborhood all the time and once in the pouring rain. He may be old, but I guarantee he's no slouch.<br /><br />What does he know that I don't?<br /><br />I'm not touching the driveway until tomorrow even if the wind fucks up all my hard work. I don't plan on going anywhere until I absolutely have to.<br /><br />I'm off to go make the requisite snow day hot chocolate and get a fire going in the fireplace.Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-72600601126858299252009-01-12T13:50:00.005-06:002009-01-12T14:04:08.788-06:00New and ImprovedHey look! Didya' see it? My new header there?<br /><br />It must be "Be Nice to Bacon Lady" today because a <a href="http://monkeymucker.blogspot.com/">certain someone</a> sent me my rockin' new blog header up there. <br /><br />Cool, right?<br /><br />If he lived closer I would totally make him a big plate of <a href="http://www.notmartha.org/archives/2008/02/27/bacon-cups/">these</a>.<br /><br />Instead of salad I would fill them with more bacon.Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-25006048457812414952009-01-12T10:33:00.003-06:002009-01-12T10:59:39.362-06:00College was way more fun the first time aroundI've got Mommy Guilt.<br /><br />I've always hated that term.<br /><br />I started my math adventure this morning. After a brief bout of nausea and some cold sweats I've decided that I am going to kick this class's ass. I have to just get over the fact that I haven't taken a math class since my sophomore year in college and I'm way out of practice. It probably doesn't help that that last math class was statistics and I was chemically altered for much of it.<br /><br />I passed it though. I think I got a C. He must have been grading on one hell of a curve.<br /><br />Because my class starts at 8am Mondays and Wednesdays, I cannot drive the girls to school those days.<br /><br />It's not that Jim is incapable of covering that duty either. He pulls his weight around here in spades. I'm lucky that his work schedule allows him to do it too.<br /><br />I just can't over the fact that I feel like I am shirking my responsibility as a Mom.<br /><br />I quit my job to stay home with my girls almost 4 years ago. It's a decision I never saw myself making. However, though I want to hide in the bathroom with a bottle of bourbon some days, it's been one of the best choices I've ever made.<br /><br />I know how lucky I am to have that choice in the first place. I know that going back to school is important and that, again, I am lucky to have the choice to do it. I know all this, but because it is something that is just for me, I feel guilty.<br /><br />I guess in the big picture, this is not all for me. Once I am done with this degree then (hopefully) the next, I will be in position to have a new career to provide a future for my kids that doesn't include student loans and money worries.<br /><br />My furthering my education is not only a benefit to me, but to my girls. Also, once I have a real live paycheck with health insurance benefits, I can lighten the load on my husband. I know it doesn't seem like a dude who runs a comic book store would work his ass off, but he does. He might have a great time doing it, but he pours a lot of himself into it.<br /><br />He doesn't worry about money like I do which is good. He plays the straight man to my neurotic kookoopants around here. I know money shouldn't matter, but it sure seems to when you're not real sure if it's going to be there when you need it.<br /><br />We have a home, food on the table and the utility bills paid so I shouldn't complain. And I'm not. I just get nervous about the state of the economy right now. People don't put comic books high up on their list of "needs", so I know the bottom could fall out at any moment.<br /><br />And maybe that all ties with the guilt I am feeling. I'm spending money to go back to school when we should be saving as much as we can in case the well dries up. But I need to go back to school to get a job to have money to save. <br /><br />Blabbity blah blah. <br /><br />Just tell me to get over it already.Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-78380277585046121872009-01-10T09:35:00.005-06:002009-01-10T10:16:31.696-06:00Maybe I just need a Valium?I need a fucking vacation.<br /><br />I feel like I have been in the house for months on end. Part of it is the weather I guess. Part of it is the fact that the girls never stop talking. There is a running commentary on EVERYTHING every second they are here and awake. It's usually them arguing over something really stupid too. I would never tell them that (mostly because "stupid" is a bad word around here...unless we are discussing the current administration), but I do try to explain that they can BOTH be the goddamned sparkly princess dragon fairy ferchrissakes.<br /><br />I can't send them outside to run off some of this pent up energy either. It's just too damn cold. Even if I did bundle them up and send them out, there isn't even any snow to play in. They'd just want to come back inside after a few minutes anyway. And I wouldn't blame them.<br /><br />Tomorrow is Sunday and the only day off Jim gets. Ever. I told him that I really need to leave the house BY MYSELF for a couple of hours. Seeing the crazed look in my eye, he wholeheartedly agreed.<br /><br />Winter is really getting to me this year.<br /><br />What I'd really really like to do is drop the kids off at Grandma's house and hop a plane to somewhere sunny and warm for a long weekend with Jim...but that costs money we don't have.<br /><br />I just signed up for the Delta Skymiles American Express credit card. I got the offer in the mail and, even though I dropped a no credit card rule bomb 'round here before Xmas, I might need to use it at the dogs' vet appointment next month.<br /><br />The bill usually hits around the $600 mark when it's all said and done. I don't have that kind of dough right now and I can't bring myself to skip their annual exams. If I don't get it done they won't get their shots and tags. I can't board them without that which means we can't go out of town overnight.<br /><br />I got a free "companion ticket" for signing up for the card and I'll get enough miles for a free domestic round trip if I spend $500 on it in the first three months (or something like that).<br /><br />I haven't read all the fine print on how exactly this deal works, but I'm thinking we might have a couple of plane tickets to burn here in the next couple of months.<br /><br />Maybe I will actually get this vacation.<br /><br />Where should we go?<br /><br />Florida? Vegas? New Orleans? The Gulf Coast?Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-52467849437020722632009-01-09T15:35:00.004-06:002009-01-09T15:47:09.512-06:00I can hear the four horsemen on the horizon...My Mom has a facebook profile.<br /><br />This afternoon I got a friend request thing from my brother. That's all fine and good. Considering the fact that he made fun of me for having one (his exact words were, "Aren't you a little OLD to have one of those?"), I was a bit suprised he took the plunge.<br /><br />He's been all over the world, did a Peace Corps stint and still travels to exotic places for his job, so it only made sense for him to join the big social experiment in order to keep up with all of his worldly friends.<br /><br />Apparently he used the email search function to find people he knows because my mother got one too.<br /><br />I called her this afternoon to tell her my embarrassing story of the day.<br /><br />I totally wiped out walking to my car after having lunch with Jim and Audrey today. I slipped on some mud or something. Not quite sure exactly how, but I do know that I feel pretty crappy right now and I have a hole in the knee of my new-ish jeans. <br /><br />"Oh by the way," mi madre says, "Daniel has one of those facebook things. I signed up to see his pictures."<br /><br />"Uh...cool. A face whatnow?"<br /><br />"Facebook. You know. You put pictures and stuff up on it."<br /><br />"Oh, right. Good for him."<br /><br />"Yeah, good for him."<br /><br />"Next thing you know, he'll be writing a blog! That would be weird. Only weird people have blogs."<br /><br />"Take it easy today OK?"<br /><br />"OK, Mom. I think I'll take a bath when Jim gets home. Just a bath. No facebook stuff or blogging. Blogging is for losers."<br /><br />"Uh...OK honey. Kiss the girls for me and...think about taking a nap."Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-80739102765268429792009-01-05T06:49:00.006-06:002009-01-05T07:27:06.197-06:00Ten Honest Things1. I cannot stand when people are late, absent any good reason. And even with a good reason I still get irked. This was especially maddening when I was doing hair in a salon.<br />When I am late for something I just about have a full on panic attack. If I'm not ten minutes early, in my mind, I am late.<br /><br />2. I also cannot stand when people chew with their mouth open or slurp their drink. <br /><br />3. I hate when my feet feel dry and scratchy, especially if I have to walk barefoot across cement. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">BLECH</span>! <br /><br />4. I love taking baths. It's like a hobby of mine. If I don't feel good either mentally or physically, a super hot bath always fixes me right up.<br /><br />5. I use sugar and both powdered and liquid creamer in my coffee (all at the same time) when I drink it at home. <br /><br />6. I am turning 35 in a couple of weeks and I am not happy about it. This is the first birthday that is bumming me out, and I hope it's not a pattern because there's not turning back the clock.<br /><br />7. I am having a hard time with sending my youngest off to kindergarten in the fall. It's not that she's not mentally ready. She's just so tiny for her age and I'm worried she'll get run over by all the other kids. Hopefully having a big sister will have taught her the proper way to throw an elbow without getting caught.<br /><br />8. I love love love reading true crime novels (or "murder books" as my husband calls them). I'm also obsessed with the television equivalent. When I found the <a href="http://investigation.discovery.com/">ID channel</a> I about peed myself with excitement.<br /><br />9. Ever since I was old enough to read and write I've wanted to be a (paid) writer. It doesn't look like that's happening any time soon so blogging is the next best thing. I'll take what I can get.<br /><br />10. I love my family. Some days I wonder how the hell I got here, but I am so happy I did. Without them and my wonderful friends, I would most likely be the subject of one of those books or TV shows I love so much. I wish I was kidding.<br /><br /><br /><br />Big ups to <a href="http://mindlessalice.blogspot.com/">Alice</a> at Mindless Rambling of a 26 Year Old for this prestigious award (seriously, she sent a fruit basket and day spa gift certificates with it. What? You didn't get yours?).<br /><br />I'm supposed to tag some people to continue the gut spilling. I can only think of two people off the top of my head that would really really get into this.<br /><br /><a href="http://earthmuffininillinois.blogspot.com/">Earth Muffin</a> and <a href="http://theewondertwins.blogspot.com/"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Astroboy</span></a>.<br /><br />Get to work, bitches!Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-87891682643216737532009-01-04T06:42:00.003-06:002009-01-04T07:06:40.728-06:00And not a single bra in my freezerMina hosted her first slumber party last night.<br /><br />They had fun. I survived.<br /><br />I took some adorable pictures, but I feel weird posting photos of other people's kids without their permission. Getting their permission would mean letting them read this blog. Letting them read this blog would mean my kid probably wouldn't be invited to any more play dates.<br /><br />So, no so cute your face will fall off pictures. Sorry.<br /><br />The two girls Mina invited over arrived promptly at 5pm and immediately made a mad dash for Mina's room to play. Santa brought Mina a kiddie makeup set for Christmas, so they made short work of that right away.<br /><br />I told Santa I wasn't really down with first graders wearing makeup, but he told me to loosen up a bit. It's only for fun. No one's entering Mina into a beauty contest. No harm. No foul.<br /><br />Jim had a thing in Chicago so I suggested he take Audrey to my parent's house to avoid any bickering between her and her sister. They get along for the most part, but I know that when one has their friends over, all bets are off. Mina got to have her little party without competing for attention and Audrey got Grandma and Papa all to herself. Everybody wins!<br /><br />My friend Lauren came over for the first part of the night. She's the art teacher at one of the local elementary schools. It was nice to not only have another adult there to hang with, but an adult who is used to dealing with kids in groups.<br /><br />I know how to deal with my own kids. They know I do not take whining or bullshit or general dumbfuckery lightly. When you add two other kids I'm <em>not</em> raising into the mix, I'm always afraid of permanently scarring someone.<br /><br />I fed them dinner, fed them brownies, let them loose on some pre-prepared craft supplies and gave them full reign on pretty much whatever they wanted to do.<br /><br />This when I realized that having an odd number at a slumber party isn't such a hot idea.<br /><br />They have such different personalities that it was inevitable that someone was getting left out.<br /><br />Mina can get along with pretty much anyone, but I could tell she was being pulled back and forth between her two guests.<br /><br />One is quiet and thoughtful. She would rather sit and color and do crafty stuff and chat. Mina is all about making art. They get along famously.<br /><br />The other girl is loud and likes to do a million things at once. Mina is all about being loud and raucous. They get along famously.<br /><br />It's the dynamic between the two guests that didn't go so well.<br /><br />The loud girl kept snarking at the quiet girl. Not cool.<br /><br />The loud girl kept trying to tell Mina secrets while leaving the quiet girl out of it. Double not cool.<br /><br />I could see Mina trying to please both of them, to keep both of them happy and it was killing me not to tell the loud girl to cut the bullshit.<br /><br />I tried to stay close enough to ward off hurt feelings, but I also thought they needed to work some stuff out on their own.<br /><br />It got to be 9:30 and I was dropping big ol' hints that they needed to start thinking about going to bed.<br /><br />Mina usually goes to be at 7:30, even on the weekends. She's 7 years old. She needs her sleep, period.<br /><br />I finally got them to lay down at 10 pm.<br /><br />I think I was asleep by 10:05.Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-62272799053981304382009-01-03T16:39:00.003-06:002009-01-03T16:45:06.270-06:00How NOT to be famous in my townOr<br />Playwright Fail<br /><br />Or<br />The <em>Wrong</em> Stuff<br /><br />Or<br />The Notebook...if it was the ones cops carry to write you tickets<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://pantagraph.com/articles/2009/01/03/news/doc495fa6a174b90760447281.txt">http://pantagraph.com/articles/2009/01/03/news/doc495fa6a174b90760447281.txt</a>Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-56009226535551633562008-12-29T05:55:00.003-06:002008-12-29T06:14:10.380-06:00Do they not teach math in public school anymore?<strong>*What should have happened:</strong><br /><br />(Scene: Local Meijer grocery store customer service desk. For the uninitiated: Think Walmart but cleaner, and less hobo-ridden).<br /><br />I bought item X for 169.99 on sale (original price was 209.99) two days ago. <br /><br />It went on sale yesterday for 25% off the original price, making it about $157. Meijer does the whole "price match" thing so, if something gets cheaper within a week, you get the difference.<br /><br />I should have gotten the difference between what I paid and what the new sale price is: about $13.<br /><br /><em><span style="color:#ff0000;">169.99 - 157.49 = 12.50</span></em><br /><br />Still with me?<br /><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>*What actually happened:</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />Customer Service Girl insists I should get 25% of 169.99.<br /><br />Me: Are you sure?<br /><br />CSG: Yes. <br /><br />Me: Really? I don't think that's right.<br /><br />CSG: Yes, have a good night!<br /><br /><em><span style="color:#ff0000;">169.99 x 25% = 42.50</span></em><br /><br />Me: Oh, I will.Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-32593342292039587722008-12-28T06:50:00.005-06:002008-12-28T07:18:41.103-06:00Hey you! Don't watch that! Watch this!Monday! Monday! Monday!<br /><br />Come one (or bring a date), come all (or stay home and continue to digest the 8,000 cookies you ate this week) to the most exclusive (well, everyone is welcome) party (more of a gathering) in town (Chicago, city proper).<br /><br />It's the second annual <a href="http://theofficialsiteofgrantmiller.blogspot.com/2008/12/2008-drysdale-award-winners-for.html">Drysdale Awards for Blogging</a>.<br /><br />It's not to miss! Last year, <a href="http://theofficialsiteofgrantmiller.blogspot.com/">Grant Miller</a> got really drunk and kept snapping all the ladies' bra straps.* <a href="http://andsomeguysblog.blogspot.com/">Some Guy</a> taught us 400 different words for snow.** I took my top off and danced on the tables for tips.*** <a href="http://twomins.blogspot.com/">GetKristiLove</a> charmed the bartender to give us free drinks all night.**** I found out <a href="http://cpunchmansworld.blogspot.com/">Coaster Punchman</a> is actually a covert spy in the Mormon church (dismantling the theocracy from the inside--clever!).***** <a href="http://sprawlingramshacklecompound.blogspot.com/">Bubs</a> shot a man just to watch him die.****** These are but a few highlights of that fateful night.<br /><br />Shock and awe, people. Shock and awe.<br /><br />So, don't be shy. No one bites (except Grant and only when prompted), and it's a nice way to cap off Jesus' birthday.<br /><br />See you there!<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />*With his mind!<br />**And he's not even <em>part</em> Eskimo.<br />***This didn't actually happen at the party, but at our hotel room afterwards.<br />****It was more her sneaking behind the bar and stealing bottles, but who's counting?<br />*****Actually, this one is true.<br />******This one too.Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-71007722808490922432008-12-27T16:33:00.003-06:002008-12-27T17:04:53.317-06:00An open letter<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXVH2L_f4XFy8Vsqp67QnqHDJxD03KCFMKkDk0LM8HMRH7Fm3KIbnzxl7KqkZ14euCCncx5cMBYt3LlTXs3bMtnJ1VjXAb8ZMXeUERFuyW6BATbMFNh9iMqr3o2Qe_CxBbamHmrNwxuGS1/s1600-h/polly-tastic-adventure-jumbo-jet.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5284609639076258418" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 362px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXVH2L_f4XFy8Vsqp67QnqHDJxD03KCFMKkDk0LM8HMRH7Fm3KIbnzxl7KqkZ14euCCncx5cMBYt3LlTXs3bMtnJ1VjXAb8ZMXeUERFuyW6BATbMFNh9iMqr3o2Qe_CxBbamHmrNwxuGS1/s400/polly-tastic-adventure-jumbo-jet.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Dear Polly Pocket,</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I hate you.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Why must you be so small? Why must your shoes be the size of half an adult's pinky nail? Why must you have so goddamned MANY?</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Thanks a lot for landing your plane in my living room! What kind of plane has a fashion model runway on it anyway? I noticed quite a few drink cups in this set. Agent not calling back as much as he used to? How many "lounges" does this plane need? And a blender? Who are you trying to kid? Where ya' hiding the good stuff?</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Maybe it's inside of one of the 4,000 impossible to open suitcases that also came with the set. What am I, your fucking baggage handler now? </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>The instructions were of no help whatsoever. There are these things called WORDS that people sometimes put next to complicated pictures to explain how the hell the sides of the plane are supposed to stay level when this monstrosity of a vehicle is open.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Next time some relative of mine is shopping in your aisle, you just tell them to move along if you know what's good for you. You are no longer welcome in my house, especially after you moved in not one but TWO fashion glitter design sets a couple of weeks ago. I found glitter in my eye this morning. My eye, Polly. I am too old to go to raves so this is not something I enjoy.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Your clothes are kind of ugly anyway. And pretty skanky if I do say so myself. Fire your stylist.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>In conclusion, please cease to exist at your earliest convenience.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Yours in Christ,</div><br /><div>Bacon Lady</div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div>Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-24778751792121843742008-12-24T14:32:00.006-06:002008-12-24T15:11:33.067-06:00Over the river and through the woods...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL8q7EYzhTR2k-tSaYaCnJmpdNa2aD1O8q1DXF2nPKjHHxhDY8h-GLilGsaz1fpij2PAp4qMvWlSdqEX51895R7tGbwBWkycLSrJRxmGDDF-06M-WGdI-uW2hbgtgSsJmp5jrAB3G2c2nr/s1600-h/DSCN2363_edited.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5283467262615627522" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL8q7EYzhTR2k-tSaYaCnJmpdNa2aD1O8q1DXF2nPKjHHxhDY8h-GLilGsaz1fpij2PAp4qMvWlSdqEX51895R7tGbwBWkycLSrJRxmGDDF-06M-WGdI-uW2hbgtgSsJmp5jrAB3G2c2nr/s400/DSCN2363_edited.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>We are headed to my in laws' place in a couple of hours.<br /><br />We're having dinner at Jim's Uncle's house and then we'll spend the night at his parents' place.<br /><br />I'm really lucky in that I get along with Jim's parents better than most people I know get along with their in laws. Sure they do stuff that makes me wince sometimes (give the kids WAY too much junk food, for example), but they usually learn their lesson without me having to resort to being a hag about it (getting puked on, for example).<br /><br />Jim's family is really different than mine in a lot of ways. My family gathers, eats, chats a bit, and gets the hell out of dodge. His family likes to come early and stay late. My family is kind of quiet for the most part. His family is loud and raucous. My family's gatherings are strictly "dry" affairs. The wine and beer (and when we're really celebrating, bourbon) flows with abandon on his side of the family.<br /><br />Every year, Christmas at my in laws' is like walking into a Norman Rockwell painting. The tree is real, but has been manicured to such perfection that is looks fake. There is a toy train (from Jim's Dad's youth) riding around a tree that would make Martha Stewart blush with envy. Little puffs of smoke trail out of the train as it rounds the tiny vintage village nestled where the presents usually sit. We've been going over there for over a decade and every year I still find something new under there.<br /><br />We always have the same breakfast on Christmas morning: sausage and homemade buttermilk pancakes. It is always delicious and I always eat too many pancakes. I can't help it. They are just that good.<br /><br />The tree and gifties are in the basement. The lights are dimmed just so, giving off a warm cozy feeling. After the Christmas music is put on, we all claim a spot and start doling out the loot. The fire crackles, the kids run around too excited to sit still, and we all drink his Mom's ridiculously strong coffee.<br /><br />Even the way the gifts are wrapped are a work of art. It's not just the beautiful paper she wraps everything in. She adds baubles and real ribbon and berries and wreaths to everything. Sometimes I feel bad ripping into them they are so pretty.<br /><br />I let the girls pick a few toys to get out of the packing to play with. I try to stash some of it because I know we will end up forgetting a piece to something if I don't. Usually we'll watch a movie, but this year we are going to bring our new Wii. Should be fun.<br /><br />I always enjoy the holidays at their house. It's just so different that how I grew up. Sure we did the usual Christmas stuff at my house, but Jim's parents take it to a whole new level. Tradition is tradition over there. Nothing else will do.<br /><br />Normally I'm all for bucking the status quo, but there is something so comforting about the way everything is like a made for tv movie over there.<br /><br />I know how much they enjoy doing all of this especially now that they have grandkids to share it with. I hope they know how much I appreciate it.</div>Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-32624063047304353132008-12-23T20:40:00.004-06:002008-12-23T21:04:30.072-06:00And then my brain exploded and my arm fell offWe're going to be at the in laws' for Christmas Eve and day, so Santa graciously stopped by our house a couple days early to accommodate our busy schedule. He appreciated our predicament and happily acquiesced.<br /><br />Jim went apeshit this year. He assures me that he stuck to our no credit card rule and paid all cash.<br /><br />First, we got a Wii and a Wii Fit. I was jonesin' something fierce for those two gems. He got a bunch of games too, so we're pretty much not leaving the house until we are dragged out. Whoever comes to extricate me will have to come at me from the left. My right arm could punch through a wall at this point. Who gets sore from playing a video game? Me, that's who.<br /><br />Second, he got me a new laptop. This is genius for many reasons including the fact that my current laptop is pretty much a zombie at this point. Add to that Audrey used it as a footstool last week and it has lovely ink splatter-like streaks across the monitor. <br /><br />The girls were giddy over their gifts. Santa did a really good job this year. Honestly though, how hard is it to buy for a 7 and 4 1/2 year old? Um...one of everything and throw in some sparkle markers. Done!<br /><br />We don't ever go super crazy with the girls' gifts. The grandparents' have the whole spoil the grandkids thing down pat. We try to figure out what their "big" gift will be and throw in a smattering of stuff we know they will love.<br /><br />Mina is really into designing clothes right now so I found this kit with stencils and sequins and pretty paper and shit and she loved it. It even comes with teeny tiny hangers.<br /><br />Audrey thinks the Care Bears are tits and I found a movie at Target for 5 bucks.<br /><br />They both got kits to write their own books. Mina's is one you send back to the company once it's done and they make an actual hardcover book out of it. Audrey's is a DIY pop-up book.<br /><br />I love finding stuff like that.<br /><br />We've been so busy playing with our new toys that I haven't even had the time to open the box my laptop came in. That might happen at some point, but right now it's my turn to get that much closer to my carpal tunnel surgery. Wiiiiiiii!Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-69657891407911493642008-12-22T11:00:00.002-06:002008-12-22T11:03:16.520-06:00CorrectionIt was brought to my attention that my post yesterday contained an inaccuracy. Our band name <em>wasn't</em> the brainchild of Stacy, but rather Gina. Big ups to Stacy for correcting the error.<br /><br />Stacy also reminded me of the name of one of our songs (that she DID come up with):<br /><br />De Kappa Kappa Kappa Tate.<br /><br />Tell me we weren't onto something there.<br /><br />God, I miss being 21.Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-34219168246648812972008-12-21T09:46:00.004-06:002008-12-21T10:05:56.009-06:00One time I was in a bandBack when I had time to spend hours laying around stoned and contemplative, some friends of mine and I decided that we needed to be in a band.<br /><br />Most of the people we knew were in bands, so why not us? Did it matter than we didn't know how to play any instuments or carry a tune? Of course not.<br /><br />First order of business was to find a name. What is a band without a name? <br /><br />Stacy, in a moment of pure genius, was the one to come up with our moniker.<br /><br />After School Snatch.<br /><br />Let the sink in for a moment. Fuck yeah.<br /><br />Google it and you get this:<br /><br /><strong>On Thu, 11 Dec 1997, TJ O'Brien wrote:><em> <span style="color:#ff0000;">In Normal, Illinois, there was a group of girls that were going to be backed by a group of guys (a la thee Headcoatees), and they were going to be called After School Snatch. I really wish they would've gotten</span></em></strong><span style="color:#ff0000;"> </span>(have no idea where this was going...wish this guy would have written more)<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>I really wish there'd be more of that old girl-group style stuff. I really enjoyed The Pussywillows back when they were around. And in Long Island just a couple years before that there was Bedrock A Go-Go, who'd get up and do a couple songs with LI garage group The Vindicators backingthem. (The Vindicators included Secret Service guitarist Rob Normandin as"Norman Roberts," along with then-Plastic Device organist / then-future King Missile bassist Chris Xefos. Oh yeah, they did one 7" that lists 4songs but has only three on it. And I seem to remember the first pressing having the hole slightly off-center. To think, I've even got a signed copy!) </strong><br /><strong>Blair</strong><br /><br />See? I'm not making this shit up.<br /><br />Apparently someone else liked the name enough to use it, and I think they actually went on to make actual music because there is another band out there with the name.<br /><br />We had a few songs that we wrote ourselves. One was called "All Girls Love Satan" and another was about how stupid frat boys were. Can't remember the name of that one. I know they were all about how we would pretty much kick everyone's collective asses. Think The Donnas, but drunker and way sluttier.<br /><br />We had some friends of ours on guitar, bass and drums and played one whole show. I don't remember a whole lot except that it was in a bowling alley on punk rock night, it was the birthday of our guitar player and I was really really drunk. I do remember it was super fun and I wanted to do it again and again. But it was not to be.<br /><br />After that show our drummer had to have some kind of carpal tunnel surgery and, in the haze of being the dopey young people we were, the novelty wore off and we moved on to other things.<br /><br />My singing voice hasn't gotten any better and I still don't know how to play an instrument, but if given the chance to be a rock star again, I would so be all over that.Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-77930343390926526832008-12-19T07:21:00.007-06:002008-12-19T08:05:15.033-06:00Just Because You Can Doesn't Mean You Should<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5NCyDjSnUSVCxMZad_7WsYkjIRC5_j_VZSXnPIhWmGGdEAeJ3S3s0rqIFXBf6J-1kQvdewAUHJX3-d8_ErAf4Pagb6ghI4yb9VMSNrJvRhMMRlyBMeoExnwYsBXhuQsu__vwfpzIIrezX/s1600-h/Clown%2520car.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281501964566811858" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 363px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 350px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5NCyDjSnUSVCxMZad_7WsYkjIRC5_j_VZSXnPIhWmGGdEAeJ3S3s0rqIFXBf6J-1kQvdewAUHJX3-d8_ErAf4Pagb6ghI4yb9VMSNrJvRhMMRlyBMeoExnwYsBXhuQsu__vwfpzIIrezX/s400/Clown%2520car.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>That flapping sound you hear? That's Michelle Duggar's labia <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28053565/">clapping in the wind</a>.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I am fascinated with this family. I DVR every TLC special they throw at me. I can't get enough of this uber wholesome, yet creepy beyond words Stepford family.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Their way of living is so far beyond what I would ever consider for my own family, but I kind of admire Mrs. Duggar for, if nothing else, her top notch time management skills. 18 kids and she still finds time to knock boots with Jim Bob? Go on and git girl. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I decided to we were done half way through my second pregnancy and practically flew onto that surgical table months after Audrey was born to have my shit snipped and burnt closed.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>The thought of having any more kids in my house sends a distinct shiver down my spine. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Don't get me wrong. I love my little darlings more than I could possibly express in words, but two is enough for me thankyouverymuch.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Far be it from me to judge how other parents manage their brood. Well, "far" may be a stretch. When it comes to the Duggars, I'm a judgemental bitch.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>They're the ones who put themselves on basic cable to fascinate us with tater tot casserole and horrible haircuts. Thankfully Michelle finally reconsidered those bangs because her hair was so bad it was starting to hurt my feelings.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Then there's the way each child has a "buddy". From what I've seen on the shows, that's pretty much code for the older kids taking care of the younger ones. Again, not a huge blip on my radar, but with SO many little Duggars running around, when does each kid get time to themselves?</div><br /><div></div><br /><div><strong><em>That</em></strong> must be how Michelle and Jim Bob have time to make more Christian Soldiers. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>The kids seem happy and obnoxiously well-mannered, so who am I to piss on their city block long parade?</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>The last episode I watched was about the family taking a trip (in their own personal tour bus!) to a family reunion. On the way they stopped at the <a href="http://www.creationmuseum.org/">Creation Museum</a> where evolution is just a shaky (evil) scientific (blasphemous) theory. You know--like global warming.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Oh, and the earth is only 6,000 years old.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I wanted Jim to watch it with me, but decided against it since he practically has a coronary when we watch Bill O. or Hannity for more than a few minutes.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>The episode ended with the Duggars enjoying some summer fun in "modest" bathing suits and Michelle fawning all over her "Daddy" (that baby voice skeeves me out).</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I just need to stop now.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Please use the comments box to share you innermost thoughts on this sideshow-quality family. Feel free to pass this post onto your friends directing them to join the discussion.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Carry on.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div>Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-71882610188524783812008-12-14T18:19:00.003-06:002008-12-14T18:36:29.634-06:00One Christmas downI spent this weekend with my family celebrating the first Christmas of the season.<br /><br />I'm lucky because my side of the family picks a weekend well before the actual day to get together instead of expecting everyone to travel like maniacs trying to get all their visiting done at once.<br /><br />I drove up to my parents' house early Saturday and we headed to NW Indiana to our annual pot luck eating extravaganza.<br /><br />It was fun to see family I don't see but once (or twice, if I'm lucky) a year. Our family is so big that we have to rent a space to meet at. No one's house is big enough to hold us all. Even with some of our crew missing, it was still a tight fit.<br /><br />The girls and I headed back to my parents' house afterwards and opened even more gifts. We spent the night and the next morning my Mom said that she had been sick in the night. At first she thought it might be food poisoning so we tried to compare and contrast what each of us had or didn't have because my Dad, the girls and I were all fine.<br /><br />We left for home earlier than planned because I could see my poor Mom was exhausted. <br /><br />We weren't 2 minutes from home when I heard Mina from the back seat, "Mom...I kind of feel like I have to puke."<br /><br />Now, if you have children under the age of 12 you know that when your kid says they <em>think</em> they <em>might</em> throw up, you have about .005 seconds to get them somewhere acceptable to spew.<br /><br />By the time they <strong>say</strong> they are going to be sick, it's already too late.<br /><br />As soon as she blessed her lap and her booster seat with breakfast she said she felt "much much better". <br /><br />I called Jim from the car to make sure he had supplies at the ready. I cracked the windows and told the girls to sit tight for the next few blocks. I have to say, Mina was a real trooper. She had to sit in her own barf for what probably felt like an eternity and didn't complain once. She'll make a fine college student, no?<br /><br />I don't think it's the flu. She was hungry for lunch and dinner and has been playing sans whining or fever for a few hours now.<br /><br />I'm just holding my breath for Audrey's inevitable puke-fest in the middle of the night. <br /><br />I cannot have gotten off this easily, can I?Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867964003210858105.post-23048381238313808812008-12-11T11:40:00.004-06:002008-12-11T12:10:35.391-06:00I wish I had a communicable, uncurable disease right nowI decided that since I was running late to the gym I would just get in a little treadmill action. It's not ever my first choice of activity because it involves me making an actual self-motivated effort to sweat.<br /><br />In a class I am sort of guilted into pushing through because everyone around me is too. When I work out by myself I usually get bored and quit early.<br /><br />Today though I actually pushed myself and...RAN. Not super fast or anything, and only for a few minute burst, but I did it. And I didn't die. It's a good start.<br /><br />After about a half hour I decided I wanted to be done, but I knew Audrey would have a Britney-scale freak out if I told her it was time to leave the kid care room. She loves that place.<br /><br />I decided I would go upstairs and, no matter what the 10:15 class was, I would take it.<br /><br />Lucky me, it was that "dance" workout class, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zumba">Zumba</a>. <br /><br />Not wanting to puss out, I stayed. The teacher was really sweet so I wanted to at least give it a chance.<br /><br />The second I decided to stay, I saw this woman walking towards me who I recognized from Audrey's first preschool. I don't remember her name, so I'll just call her "Bitch that won't shut the hell up" or BTWSTHU for short.<br /><br />BTWSTHU started in immediately. "HI! How've you been? Carson is in preschool today so I'm here taking this class, it's fun, I've only done it once, but it was really really fun, how's Audrey? I think about her all the time, I knew I would run into you sooner or later, do you do swim lessons? We do them at Happy Splashes, and my sons love it, it's two times a week so they really liked it, it's expensive but I think it's worth it, you will love this class, it's not that hard...."<br /><br />No breaths taken. No pauses for responses. <br /><br />And she's one of those who, instead of taking a breath or a break from yapping, she inserts a "well, like I said before" to segue back into something she already beat to death 10 minutes ago.<br /><br />It's impossible to escape conversation with her short of being hit by a car.<br /><br />Thankfully the class started and the music was so loud I couldn't hear her. Finally, she stopped talking.<br /><br />I'll admit the class was <em>kind of</em> fun. I'll probably do it again but really, if I feel like dancing around like an idiot I'll do what I normally do and throw back a few drinks before heading downtown to the gay bar. Duh.<br /><br />I stopped to take a water break at the same time as an old lady in the class. As soon as I had the water bottle to my lips I heard, "Excuse me. I think that's mine". <br /><br />I felt really bad, but it wasn't really my fault. She put her water, which looked exactly like mine, right next to my stuff. <br /><br />"I'm so sorry, " I said. What was I supposed to do? So I added, "Um...I don't have cooties if that makes you feel any better." and kind of lightly put my hand on her shoulder to really bring the point home.<br /><br />What do you think that bitch did? Bristled! BRISTLED at my friendly gesture. And then took the other water bottle and went out of her way to throw it in the trash.<br /><br />Oh, for the love.<br /><br />I ended up leaving the class early because I had had enough of both BTWSTHU and Crotch-face old lady. Plus I was getting hungry.<br /><br />As I was leaving I made sure to make eye contact with Crotchy and mouth the word "Herpes" and blow her a kiss.<br /><br />That'll show her.Bacon Ladyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02846450453525362653noreply@blogger.com8