Better Living Through Bacon

Braggart

2009-04-01T09:35:00.005-05:00

I'm currently taking the second of the five classes I need to finish my Associates degree--three of which are math.

I'm not a huge fan of the numbers game, but I decided I would suck it up and plow through to get the piece of paper I've wanted to get for a looong time. I can't transfer back into ISU to get my four year degree without the math, so here we are.

When I went to take the placement test a few months ago, I only tested into the second lowest math class. No big shock there. I haven't taken a math class since high school unless you count the statistics class I passed by the skin of my teeth back at ISU.

Last week we took the fourth test of the semester. This one was supposed to be, in my professor's words, "the really tough one".

And what did I get on it?

95, bitches.

Ninety-frimframmin'-five.

Not only that but, because he decided to grade this test on a curve because of the "poor showing of grades", I found out that I had the highest score in the class.

Of course, Jim was quick to point out that I just fucked up the curve for everyone else. Somehow that made it all the more sweet. Is that mean? Do I care?

This is so unexpected. I never thought I would do well in a math class. The first three tests went fairly well but my grades have been steadily getting worse as we take each one. I got a 90, 88, then an 83. Naturally I expected that I would gradually get lower on this one.

But NOPE.

I'm just going to go ahead and congratulate the hell out of myself for the rest of the day. Who knows when this will happen again?

Not dead yet...

2009-03-29T06:37:00.003-05:00

Once again, I have slacked on the ol' Bacon Blog. Didya' miss me?

Had a fantastic time at DisneyWorld!

We drove up Friday night and stayed at a hotel near the airport. It was a really nice place. We would have enjoyed it more if we didn't have to get up at like 3 o'clock in the morning to get ready for our flight.

We got to Orlando around 1pm on Saturday and checked into our super swank hotel. We were at the Magic Kingdom by 2.

It was so weird to just...go. With kids you need to plan and pack stuff and make sure everyone's gone to the bathroom and tell them to quit bickering or you'll turn the metaphorical car around, blah blah blah. That day, we just walked into the park and commenced the fun.

We stayed at that park until about 7, then headed over to Epcot. We'd never been there, so we didn't know what to expect. Um, I pretty much LOVE Epcot at night.

We headed straight for the World Showcase and located the Germany section. Somehow we lucked into a table for their dinner. Holy shit, was it good.

I got a beer flight (or is it a flight of beer?). Good food and great beer! What more could I ask for?

They seat you "family style" at this place, so you sit with people you don't know. There was a family at the end of our table that we didn't talk to, but across from us was an adorable couple that we chatted with the entire time.

Turns out they both work for Disney. One of the guys plays characters from Prince Charming to the Beast (of Beauty and the Beast). The other guy does mostly dancing in the parades at the MK and Hollywood Studios. At first, they were trying to be all coy about what their jobs were. I guess they aren't really supposed to talk about it out in "civilian" life but once the beer started flowing, all bets were off.

We told them we were coming back in December with the girls. They said we should get in touch with them (we're facebook friends now, natch) and they would set up some special treatment. I'm not going to count on it, but it would be over the top fantastic if all the stuff there were talking about (priority parade seating, personal meet and greets with the princesses) actually happens. I would love to blow the girls' minds with that.

Epcot closed at 8pm so we didn't get a chance to stay very long. I honestly didn't give a crap about the rest of the park. The liquor flows at Epcot and that alone made me a huge fan!

Sunday we decided to check out Hollywood Studios. Neither of us had ever been there either and we were excited to see what was going on there.

That place is amazing!

First we did the Star Tours ride and giggled like little kids. As you walk out of pretty much every ride, there is a gift shop. We had one of those pictures taken where they put your face into a different scene. If you're ever in my neck of the woods, go down to the shop and ask Jim to show you our Han Solo/Princess Leia portrait. It's genius.

We rode the Tower of Terror and I think Jim pooped his pants a little. It actually is terrifying. I loved it.

Then, the cherry on top of the whole trip: the Aerosmith Rockin' Rollercoaster.

Oh.Sweet.Jesus.

The cheese factor is off the charts. It's fantastic.

After you get through the line (Absolutely fastpass this bitch. The line can get outrageous), you are sent into the "recording studio". The band is rockin' out when their manager comes in to tell them they are late for their show. Oh, but what about all our "friends" here? Let's bring them, of course!

Cheese upon cheese. Perfection.

The coaster itself, while on the short side, is great. Like, really really great. You pretty much go from 0-60 in like two seconds. And you go upside down. When we were riding the second time my backpack come out from between my feet. When we stopped, I had a mini panic attack thinking it was lying somewhere in the deep recesses of Aerosmith land. Luckily it just slid over to Jim's feet.

We had lunch at the Sci-Fi drive in restaurant. You basically sit in cars and watch old science fiction movies while you eat. Kitschy and awesome.

Oh, and they serve drinks at this park too!

I saw that the American Idol Experience was open, so I had to check that out. I'm a huge dork for that show, so I wanted to see what this "ride" was all about.

Right before we got in line, Jim and I got these HUGE beers from a vendor and went to wait in line. Apparently they don't want you to drink while you wait in line for this, so we had to chug our beers before queuing up.

Let's just say that made the whole thing WAY funnier that it probably was.

We went to see this Indiana Jones show and little museum-y type thing about Walt Disney.

After that, we went back to Epcot and drank some wine in Italy and France. It was so pretty out there at night. We stayed for the fireworks, then it started to rain and we caught a cab back to our hotel.

All in all, we had a blast. Our kids think we went to "the beach". They also think "the beach" has a huge Disney store where we got all the gifts we brought back.

I cannot wait to take them back in December!

Two first class tickets to Hell, please.

2009-02-11T18:37:00.004-06:00

I'm evil. And I love it.

Two days ago I was enjoying the spring-like weather. Something about the crack in the death grip of winter always gives me a new found motivation to to leave my house and get shit done.

I was reading an article on cnn.com about how Vegas is practically giving away hotel rooms and the airlines are following suit in the cheapness.

Just for the hell of it I looked up what it would cost to sneak out there this weekend for a quick and dirty getaway and was severely disappointed to find that we'd have to fly out of Seattle or LA to get these supposed "great deals". Bah!

I mentioned to Jim that it would be fun to go somewhere this weekend. The girls have Monday off and we could send them to his parents' house and take off.

And that is when things took a turn for the crazy.

You see, Jim knows a guy who can get free passes to Disney World.

Totally joking Jim said, "We should go there for the weekend and not take the kids."

After we stopped laughing maniacally we gave it some serious thought.

I didn't think he would really call that guy and see if we could get the passes, but sure as shit Jim called me an hour after he got to work to tell me that we would have them in hand in a couple of days.

Jim knows someone else that works for a hotel chain that happens to have a property about 2 miles from the Magic Kindgdom and whattaya' know? We can get a room there for next to nothing!

It all came down to airfare which, after all was said and done, cost more than I like to pay but this was so last minute I really can't complain. Considering the deal we are getting on the rest of our stay, I just decided to suck it up and pull the trigger.

We're going to tell them that we are going to Chicago...which is true. We are flying out of O'Hare. We aren't even telling his parents where we are going just in case they slip. They know we are catching a flight, but that's it.

All photographic proof of this trip will be hidden in a safe deposit box until our children are old enough to be charged as adults for stabbing us in our sleep for leaving them home.

This whole thing happened so fast and it is seriously fucking with my Type A personality.

I'm pretty excited, not just because we really dig going to Disney World, but also to actually be getting away--just the two of us. We never ever do stuff like this, but here we are.

Happy (almost) Spring!

Relatives and sex toys should never ever come up in the same conversation

2009-01-29T19:18:00.005-06:00

In the infancy of my 21st year, some friends and I went to New York for our Spring Break.

I have family there who, at the time, lived on the upper west side. Super swank. And they voluntarily allowed us to stay with them. In fact they encouraged it. What were they thinking?

Each night, we'd all have dinner together and they would send the four of us out the door with subway tokens and a map.

"Have fun girls! Be back before dawn...if you feel like it."

We would scan the paper for any good bands playing and haul our gussied up selves to see them.

Naturally we had to hit CBGB's (RIP) and we also ended up at several other places I couldn't find on a map today if I tried. We made friends wherever we went and one night ended up at some dive on Avenue A smoking pot with some whacked out locals. That night I think we laid our collective heads on our pillows just as the sun woke up.

It was a fantastic time. My Aunt and Uncle took such good care of us and we all said a teary goodbye as the vacation ended.

I spoke with my Aunt when I got home and thanked her again for showing us such wonderful hospitality. She said that we forgot a few things at their apartment and she would be sending them to me shortly.

A couple weeks later the package arrived.

Someone left a shirt or something. Maybe there was a tube of mascara in there. My Aunt had also sent me a kick ass messenger bag and t-shirt she thought I would like (and she was right).

I had 7 roommates at the time. We lived in this enormous house and, believe it or not, we all had our own bedrooms. Most everyone was hanging out in the living room the day I got the package so they all watched me open it.

I was so excited about the cool shirt and new bag that I failed to notice the looks of horror and shock slowly taking over my roommates' faces.

I looked up and someone said, "So...your Aunt's pretty laid back, eh?"

"What do you mean?"

Then I looked down at the box.

And saw it.

There, resting gently in a sea of bubble wrap was an unwrapped, presumably used vibrator.

My first thought was that someone in our traveling gaggle had left it there, but who? No one fessed up.

My second and way more disturbing thought was that my Aunt sent it to me as a gift.

I didn't know which was worse: My Aunt handling my friend's vibrator or her thinking of me while cleaning out her stash (like I said, it wasn't packaged or wrapped as if it were new--it already had batteries in it!). Did she think I needed it?

I knew it wasn't mine. I would have said so right away, and I certainly wouldn't have left it at my Aunt's house. Come to think of it, I would not have brought it on (that kind of) vacation at all.

A few days later my Aunt called to make sure the package arrived, and I was terrified she would bring up the giant phallic elephant in the room.

She didn't.

I saw her two summers ago at my cousin's wedding and we email back and forth now and again. I really really want to ask her about it now that more than a decade has passed since the incident.

How exactly would one bring this type of subject up?

You say it's your birthday...

2009-01-19T07:30:00.004-06:00

Well, it's my birthday too, yeah.

No, really. It is.

I'm 35 now. Wheeee!

I was going to try and post something deep and introspective but let's face it. I'm not all that deep and introspection is for navel gazing emo boys.

Instead I will share the story of two people from my past who share my same day of birth. One a year younger and one a year older.

First the younger, Mindy (not her real name).

I met Mindy my sophomore year in high school. I don't know how we started hanging out, but it probably had something to do with the fact that we both liked cigarettes, booze and writing (awful awful) poetry.

We thought ourselves deep. No one could possibly understand the depth of our deepness. Oh no.

Sometimes we would meet at the library to study. Studying consisted of us walking down to the 7-11 to buy a Big Gulp of Pepsi to mix with our pilfered whiskey and smoking as many cigarettes as we could suck down.

Mindy was by far the bigger JD which is really saying something because I was no Pollyanna myself. I just never got caught.

Which brings us to our story.

One day Mindy and I were hanging with another acquaintance, Sheila. Sheila was kind of a puppy dog. Didn't really have an opinion about anything and was just happy to be part of the team. Present day, she's probably got a comfortable desk job at Human Resources somewhere.

She was a nice girl. So nice that she gave Mindy and I a bottle of peppermint schnapps she stole from her parents' liquor cabinet to prove...I don't know what she was trying to prove. I do know we happily accepted it and stashed it for later. Mindy and I were going to the football game that night.

I'm not sure why. Maybe we just needed to get out of the house. Maybe there was a boy involved. Doesn't matter. We were going and we were planning on putting away at least some of that bottle beforehand.

Cut to the second quarter of the game. Mindy's leaning on me and not making any sense. As "hardcore" as we thought we were, we really didn't drink much of that bottle. Peppermint schnapps is gross. I didn't want to be drunk that badly.

Unbeknownst to me, Mindy was on some psychiatric medication that...you guessed it...you shouldn't drink with. Hey now! That would have been some useful information. Add to that Mindy drank WAY more than I did.

So, I'm literally holding Mindy up in the stands when I catch the eye of someone who was also in the school play with me at the time. I think he saw the fear in my eyes, and helped me drag her out of there.

I don't know why I thought we could get out of there without attracting the attention of anyone, but 5 minutes later an ambulance was there. It was bad.

I didn't hang out with Mindy much more after that. I'm pretty sure that set a precedent in my mind for my distaste of sloppy drunks. Hold your liquor people. And for the love, learn how to mix your booze and drugs properly. Sheesh.

My other birthday pal was a boy named Jack (again, not his real name). He was a year older than me and went to a different high school.

Jack was "arty" and VERY into himself. I'm embarrassed that I made out with him. He probably pretended he was kissing himself.

After a few weeks of phone calls and a train ride into the city, I decided he was just a little too pouty and flouncy for my taste. But that didn't stop him from writing me letters.

One letter contained pictures he had taken of himself. In women's clothing.

Now, that's all fine and good for him. Kudos to him for being so self aware at 17 to know what he's into.

To my 16 year old self though, this was just way too much.

I wish I still had those pictures. I threw them away for fear my fundie parents would find them and never let me leave the house again.

By the by, I also share a birthday with Kate Moss, Edgar Allan Poe and Janis Joplin.

What is it with me and these tragic figures?

Want to do a good deed?

2009-01-17T08:46:00.005-06:00

Who doesn't need to shore up their karma account?

Audrey's preschool is having a fundraiser. We get 40% of proceeds until January 28th.

Go to http://www.greenraising.com/ and pick A Child's View Cooperative Preschool-IL from the drop down menu at the top right hand corner of the website.

Then buy stuff!

It's good for the environment stuff and it helps out our small parent-run preschool.

When I was looking for a preschool for my girls I had a hard time finding one that wasn't affiliated with a church. Just about every place in town was. When I found A Child's View I was ecstatic. Just the godless liberal haven I was searching for.

Our budget is slim and fundraisers are the only way we can keep chugging along. I'm on the parent board so I know how important these fundraisers are to keep the doors open and the teachers paid (trust me, they work for close to nothing, but love the school and the kids enough to do it anyway).

Now go get to shopping!

If you do buy something, let me know in the comments section so I can lavish you with virtual sloppy kisses and inappropriate touching.

Thanks!

Groundhog Day

2009-01-16T14:14:00.005-06:00

You've seen it, right? My life is starting to feel like that movie.

First they cancelled school on Wednesday, then Thursday, then today. And we already had Monday off.

I'm getting a leetle bit stir crazy being in the house this long.

We have been playing the Wii a LOT. The girls' favorite thing to do (beside Mario Party) is make Miis. We have like 4,000 of them now. Mina's have names like Puffy and Sprinkles and Cutie. Audrey can't spell yet so all of hers are named xczvm,k;l and bljpx;l. I think that's Czech, but I could be wrong.

The music has penetrated my soul at this point. The girls are starting to make up words to it.

I like those eyes no

make them bigger pleeeeeease

I don't like her hair no

make it lighter theeerrreee

stop kicking me in the head MOM!

Get off of me! I'm telling!

I'm thirsty Mom, please get us some juice

when is lunch

I am starved

Get your foot off of me

I am going to scream

She needs bigger eyebrows

and some freckles

make her short....

You get the gist.

Soon it's going to be like another movie around here.

The Shining.

SNOW DAY!

2009-01-14T11:56:00.002-06:00

I'm digging it.

hahahahahaha...whoo boy. The jokes just don't stop around here.

My favorite part of a snow day is when the snow plow comes down my street and puts a a two foot snow drift at the end of the driveway--the driveway I just shovelled.

Good times.

I hear we're supposed to get more tonight in addition to painful subzero wind chill factors.

As I was scooping out the artic shelf at the end of my driveway, I noticed that my neighbor hadn't touched his yet.

Normally this particular neighbor has his shit down to the pavement before I've finished my first cup of coffee.

He's well past retirement age, but in fantastic shape. I see him riding his bike all over the neighborhood all the time and once in the pouring rain. He may be old, but I guarantee he's no slouch.

What does he know that I don't?

I'm not touching the driveway until tomorrow even if the wind fucks up all my hard work. I don't plan on going anywhere until I absolutely have to.

I'm off to go make the requisite snow day hot chocolate and get a fire going in the fireplace.

New and Improved

2009-01-12T13:50:00.005-06:00

Hey look! Didya' see it? My new header there?

It must be "Be Nice to Bacon Lady" today because a certain someone sent me my rockin' new blog header up there.

Cool, right?

If he lived closer I would totally make him a big plate of these.

Instead of salad I would fill them with more bacon.

College was way more fun the first time around

2009-01-12T10:33:00.003-06:00

I've got Mommy Guilt.

I've always hated that term.

I started my math adventure this morning. After a brief bout of nausea and some cold sweats I've decided that I am going to kick this class's ass. I have to just get over the fact that I haven't taken a math class since my sophomore year in college and I'm way out of practice. It probably doesn't help that that last math class was statistics and I was chemically altered for much of it.

I passed it though. I think I got a C. He must have been grading on one hell of a curve.

Because my class starts at 8am Mondays and Wednesdays, I cannot drive the girls to school those days.

It's not that Jim is incapable of covering that duty either. He pulls his weight around here in spades. I'm lucky that his work schedule allows him to do it too.

I just can't over the fact that I feel like I am shirking my responsibility as a Mom.

I quit my job to stay home with my girls almost 4 years ago. It's a decision I never saw myself making. However, though I want to hide in the bathroom with a bottle of bourbon some days, it's been one of the best choices I've ever made.

I know how lucky I am to have that choice in the first place. I know that going back to school is important and that, again, I am lucky to have the choice to do it. I know all this, but because it is something that is just for me, I feel guilty.

I guess in the big picture, this is not all for me. Once I am done with this degree then (hopefully) the next, I will be in position to have a new career to provide a future for my kids that doesn't include student loans and money worries.

My furthering my education is not only a benefit to me, but to my girls. Also, once I have a real live paycheck with health insurance benefits, I can lighten the load on my husband. I know it doesn't seem like a dude who runs a comic book store would work his ass off, but he does. He might have a great time doing it, but he pours a lot of himself into it.

He doesn't worry about money like I do which is good. He plays the straight man to my neurotic kookoopants around here. I know money shouldn't matter, but it sure seems to when you're not real sure if it's going to be there when you need it.

We have a home, food on the table and the utility bills paid so I shouldn't complain. And I'm not. I just get nervous about the state of the economy right now. People don't put comic books high up on their list of "needs", so I know the bottom could fall out at any moment.

And maybe that all ties with the guilt I am feeling. I'm spending money to go back to school when we should be saving as much as we can in case the well dries up. But I need to go back to school to get a job to have money to save.

Blabbity blah blah.

Just tell me to get over it already.

Maybe I just need a Valium?

2009-01-10T09:35:00.005-06:00

I need a fucking vacation.

I feel like I have been in the house for months on end. Part of it is the weather I guess. Part of it is the fact that the girls never stop talking. There is a running commentary on EVERYTHING every second they are here and awake. It's usually them arguing over something really stupid too. I would never tell them that (mostly because "stupid" is a bad word around here...unless we are discussing the current administration), but I do try to explain that they can BOTH be the goddamned sparkly princess dragon fairy ferchrissakes.

I can't send them outside to run off some of this pent up energy either. It's just too damn cold. Even if I did bundle them up and send them out, there isn't even any snow to play in. They'd just want to come back inside after a few minutes anyway. And I wouldn't blame them.

Tomorrow is Sunday and the only day off Jim gets. Ever. I told him that I really need to leave the house BY MYSELF for a couple of hours. Seeing the crazed look in my eye, he wholeheartedly agreed.

Winter is really getting to me this year.

What I'd really really like to do is drop the kids off at Grandma's house and hop a plane to somewhere sunny and warm for a long weekend with Jim...but that costs money we don't have.

I just signed up for the Delta Skymiles American Express credit card. I got the offer in the mail and, even though I dropped a no credit card rule bomb 'round here before Xmas, I might need to use it at the dogs' vet appointment next month.

The bill usually hits around the $600 mark when it's all said and done. I don't have that kind of dough right now and I can't bring myself to skip their annual exams. If I don't get it done they won't get their shots and tags. I can't board them without that which means we can't go out of town overnight.

I got a free "companion ticket" for signing up for the card and I'll get enough miles for a free domestic round trip if I spend $500 on it in the first three months (or something like that).

I haven't read all the fine print on how exactly this deal works, but I'm thinking we might have a couple of plane tickets to burn here in the next couple of months.

Maybe I will actually get this vacation.

Where should we go?

Florida? Vegas? New Orleans? The Gulf Coast?

I can hear the four horsemen on the horizon...

2009-01-09T15:35:00.004-06:00

My Mom has a facebook profile.

This afternoon I got a friend request thing from my brother. That's all fine and good. Considering the fact that he made fun of me for having one (his exact words were, "Aren't you a little OLD to have one of those?"), I was a bit suprised he took the plunge.

He's been all over the world, did a Peace Corps stint and still travels to exotic places for his job, so it only made sense for him to join the big social experiment in order to keep up with all of his worldly friends.

Apparently he used the email search function to find people he knows because my mother got one too.

I called her this afternoon to tell her my embarrassing story of the day.

I totally wiped out walking to my car after having lunch with Jim and Audrey today. I slipped on some mud or something. Not quite sure exactly how, but I do know that I feel pretty crappy right now and I have a hole in the knee of my new-ish jeans.

"Oh by the way," mi madre says, "Daniel has one of those facebook things. I signed up to see his pictures."

"Uh...cool. A face whatnow?"

"Facebook. You know. You put pictures and stuff up on it."

"Oh, right. Good for him."

"Yeah, good for him."

"Next thing you know, he'll be writing a blog! That would be weird. Only weird people have blogs."

"Take it easy today OK?"

"OK, Mom. I think I'll take a bath when Jim gets home. Just a bath. No facebook stuff or blogging. Blogging is for losers."

"Uh...OK honey. Kiss the girls for me and...think about taking a nap."

Ten Honest Things

2009-01-05T06:49:00.006-06:00

1. I cannot stand when people are late, absent any good reason. And even with a good reason I still get irked. This was especially maddening when I was doing hair in a salon.
When I am late for something I just about have a full on panic attack. If I'm not ten minutes early, in my mind, I am late.

2. I also cannot stand when people chew with their mouth open or slurp their drink.

3. I hate when my feet feel dry and scratchy, especially if I have to walk barefoot across cement. BLECH!

4. I love taking baths. It's like a hobby of mine. If I don't feel good either mentally or physically, a super hot bath always fixes me right up.

5. I use sugar and both powdered and liquid creamer in my coffee (all at the same time) when I drink it at home.

6. I am turning 35 in a couple of weeks and I am not happy about it. This is the first birthday that is bumming me out, and I hope it's not a pattern because there's not turning back the clock.

7. I am having a hard time with sending my youngest off to kindergarten in the fall. It's not that she's not mentally ready. She's just so tiny for her age and I'm worried she'll get run over by all the other kids. Hopefully having a big sister will have taught her the proper way to throw an elbow without getting caught.

8. I love love love reading true crime novels (or "murder books" as my husband calls them). I'm also obsessed with the television equivalent. When I found the ID channel I about peed myself with excitement.

9. Ever since I was old enough to read and write I've wanted to be a (paid) writer. It doesn't look like that's happening any time soon so blogging is the next best thing. I'll take what I can get.

10. I love my family. Some days I wonder how the hell I got here, but I am so happy I did. Without them and my wonderful friends, I would most likely be the subject of one of those books or TV shows I love so much. I wish I was kidding.

Big ups to Alice at Mindless Rambling of a 26 Year Old for this prestigious award (seriously, she sent a fruit basket and day spa gift certificates with it. What? You didn't get yours?).

I'm supposed to tag some people to continue the gut spilling. I can only think of two people off the top of my head that would really really get into this.

Earth Muffin and Astroboy.

Get to work, bitches!

And not a single bra in my freezer

2009-01-04T06:42:00.003-06:00

Mina hosted her first slumber party last night.

They had fun. I survived.

I took some adorable pictures, but I feel weird posting photos of other people's kids without their permission. Getting their permission would mean letting them read this blog. Letting them read this blog would mean my kid probably wouldn't be invited to any more play dates.

So, no so cute your face will fall off pictures. Sorry.

The two girls Mina invited over arrived promptly at 5pm and immediately made a mad dash for Mina's room to play. Santa brought Mina a kiddie makeup set for Christmas, so they made short work of that right away.

I told Santa I wasn't really down with first graders wearing makeup, but he told me to loosen up a bit. It's only for fun. No one's entering Mina into a beauty contest. No harm. No foul.

Jim had a thing in Chicago so I suggested he take Audrey to my parent's house to avoid any bickering between her and her sister. They get along for the most part, but I know that when one has their friends over, all bets are off. Mina got to have her little party without competing for attention and Audrey got Grandma and Papa all to herself. Everybody wins!

My friend Lauren came over for the first part of the night. She's the art teacher at one of the local elementary schools. It was nice to not only have another adult there to hang with, but an adult who is used to dealing with kids in groups.

I know how to deal with my own kids. They know I do not take whining or bullshit or general dumbfuckery lightly. When you add two other kids I'm not raising into the mix, I'm always afraid of permanently scarring someone.

I fed them dinner, fed them brownies, let them loose on some pre-prepared craft supplies and gave them full reign on pretty much whatever they wanted to do.

This when I realized that having an odd number at a slumber party isn't such a hot idea.

They have such different personalities that it was inevitable that someone was getting left out.

Mina can get along with pretty much anyone, but I could tell she was being pulled back and forth between her two guests.

One is quiet and thoughtful. She would rather sit and color and do crafty stuff and chat. Mina is all about making art. They get along famously.

The other girl is loud and likes to do a million things at once. Mina is all about being loud and raucous. They get along famously.

It's the dynamic between the two guests that didn't go so well.

The loud girl kept snarking at the quiet girl. Not cool.

The loud girl kept trying to tell Mina secrets while leaving the quiet girl out of it. Double not cool.

I could see Mina trying to please both of them, to keep both of them happy and it was killing me not to tell the loud girl to cut the bullshit.

I tried to stay close enough to ward off hurt feelings, but I also thought they needed to work some stuff out on their own.

It got to be 9:30 and I was dropping big ol' hints that they needed to start thinking about going to bed.

Mina usually goes to be at 7:30, even on the weekends. She's 7 years old. She needs her sleep, period.

I finally got them to lay down at 10 pm.

I think I was asleep by 10:05.

How NOT to be famous in my town

2009-01-03T16:39:00.003-06:00

Or
Playwright Fail

Or
The Wrong Stuff

Or
The Notebook...if it was the ones cops carry to write you tickets

http://pantagraph.com/articles/2009/01/03/news/doc495fa6a174b90760447281.txt

Do they not teach math in public school anymore?

2008-12-29T05:55:00.003-06:00

*What should have happened:

(Scene: Local Meijer grocery store customer service desk. For the uninitiated: Think Walmart but cleaner, and less hobo-ridden).

I bought item X for 169.99 on sale (original price was 209.99) two days ago.

It went on sale yesterday for 25% off the original price, making it about $157. Meijer does the whole "price match" thing so, if something gets cheaper within a week, you get the difference.

I should have gotten the difference between what I paid and what the new sale price is: about $13.

169.99 - 157.49 = 12.50

Still with me?

*What actually happened:

Customer Service Girl insists I should get 25% of 169.99.

Me: Are you sure?

CSG: Yes.

Me: Really? I don't think that's right.

CSG: Yes, have a good night!

169.99 x 25% = 42.50

Me: Oh, I will.

Hey you! Don't watch that! Watch this!

2008-12-28T06:50:00.005-06:00

Monday! Monday! Monday!

Come one (or bring a date), come all (or stay home and continue to digest the 8,000 cookies you ate this week) to the most exclusive (well, everyone is welcome) party (more of a gathering) in town (Chicago, city proper).

It's the second annual Drysdale Awards for Blogging.

It's not to miss! Last year, Grant Miller got really drunk and kept snapping all the ladies' bra straps.* Some Guy taught us 400 different words for snow.** I took my top off and danced on the tables for tips.*** GetKristiLove charmed the bartender to give us free drinks all night.**** I found out Coaster Punchman is actually a covert spy in the Mormon church (dismantling the theocracy from the inside--clever!).***** Bubs shot a man just to watch him die.****** These are but a few highlights of that fateful night.

Shock and awe, people. Shock and awe.

So, don't be shy. No one bites (except Grant and only when prompted), and it's a nice way to cap off Jesus' birthday.

See you there!

*With his mind!
**And he's not even part Eskimo.
***This didn't actually happen at the party, but at our hotel room afterwards.
****It was more her sneaking behind the bar and stealing bottles, but who's counting?
*****Actually, this one is true.
******This one too.

An open letter

2008-12-27T16:33:00.003-06:00

Dear Polly Pocket,

I hate you.

Why must you be so small? Why must your shoes be the size of half an adult's pinky nail? Why must you have so goddamned MANY?

Thanks a lot for landing your plane in my living room! What kind of plane has a fashion model runway on it anyway? I noticed quite a few drink cups in this set. Agent not calling back as much as he used to? How many "lounges" does this plane need? And a blender? Who are you trying to kid? Where ya' hiding the good stuff?

Maybe it's inside of one of the 4,000 impossible to open suitcases that also came with the set. What am I, your fucking baggage handler now?

The instructions were of no help whatsoever. There are these things called WORDS that people sometimes put next to complicated pictures to explain how the hell the sides of the plane are supposed to stay level when this monstrosity of a vehicle is open.

Next time some relative of mine is shopping in your aisle, you just tell them to move along if you know what's good for you. You are no longer welcome in my house, especially after you moved in not one but TWO fashion glitter design sets a couple of weeks ago. I found glitter in my eye this morning. My eye, Polly. I am too old to go to raves so this is not something I enjoy.

Your clothes are kind of ugly anyway. And pretty skanky if I do say so myself. Fire your stylist.

In conclusion, please cease to exist at your earliest convenience.

Yours in Christ,

Bacon Lady

Over the river and through the woods...

2008-12-24T14:32:00.006-06:00

We are headed to my in laws' place in a couple of hours.

We're having dinner at Jim's Uncle's house and then we'll spend the night at his parents' place.

I'm really lucky in that I get along with Jim's parents better than most people I know get along with their in laws. Sure they do stuff that makes me wince sometimes (give the kids WAY too much junk food, for example), but they usually learn their lesson without me having to resort to being a hag about it (getting puked on, for example).

Jim's family is really different than mine in a lot of ways. My family gathers, eats, chats a bit, and gets the hell out of dodge. His family likes to come early and stay late. My family is kind of quiet for the most part. His family is loud and raucous. My family's gatherings are strictly "dry" affairs. The wine and beer (and when we're really celebrating, bourbon) flows with abandon on his side of the family.

Every year, Christmas at my in laws' is like walking into a Norman Rockwell painting. The tree is real, but has been manicured to such perfection that is looks fake. There is a toy train (from Jim's Dad's youth) riding around a tree that would make Martha Stewart blush with envy. Little puffs of smoke trail out of the train as it rounds the tiny vintage village nestled where the presents usually sit. We've been going over there for over a decade and every year I still find something new under there.

We always have the same breakfast on Christmas morning: sausage and homemade buttermilk pancakes. It is always delicious and I always eat too many pancakes. I can't help it. They are just that good.

The tree and gifties are in the basement. The lights are dimmed just so, giving off a warm cozy feeling. After the Christmas music is put on, we all claim a spot and start doling out the loot. The fire crackles, the kids run around too excited to sit still, and we all drink his Mom's ridiculously strong coffee.

Even the way the gifts are wrapped are a work of art. It's not just the beautiful paper she wraps everything in. She adds baubles and real ribbon and berries and wreaths to everything. Sometimes I feel bad ripping into them they are so pretty.

I let the girls pick a few toys to get out of the packing to play with. I try to stash some of it because I know we will end up forgetting a piece to something if I don't. Usually we'll watch a movie, but this year we are going to bring our new Wii. Should be fun.

I always enjoy the holidays at their house. It's just so different that how I grew up. Sure we did the usual Christmas stuff at my house, but Jim's parents take it to a whole new level. Tradition is tradition over there. Nothing else will do.

Normally I'm all for bucking the status quo, but there is something so comforting about the way everything is like a made for tv movie over there.

I know how much they enjoy doing all of this especially now that they have grandkids to share it with. I hope they know how much I appreciate it.

And then my brain exploded and my arm fell off

2008-12-23T20:40:00.004-06:00

We're going to be at the in laws' for Christmas Eve and day, so Santa graciously stopped by our house a couple days early to accommodate our busy schedule. He appreciated our predicament and happily acquiesced.

Jim went apeshit this year. He assures me that he stuck to our no credit card rule and paid all cash.

First, we got a Wii and a Wii Fit. I was jonesin' something fierce for those two gems. He got a bunch of games too, so we're pretty much not leaving the house until we are dragged out. Whoever comes to extricate me will have to come at me from the left. My right arm could punch through a wall at this point. Who gets sore from playing a video game? Me, that's who.

Second, he got me a new laptop. This is genius for many reasons including the fact that my current laptop is pretty much a zombie at this point. Add to that Audrey used it as a footstool last week and it has lovely ink splatter-like streaks across the monitor.

The girls were giddy over their gifts. Santa did a really good job this year. Honestly though, how hard is it to buy for a 7 and 4 1/2 year old? Um...one of everything and throw in some sparkle markers. Done!

We don't ever go super crazy with the girls' gifts. The grandparents' have the whole spoil the grandkids thing down pat. We try to figure out what their "big" gift will be and throw in a smattering of stuff we know they will love.

Mina is really into designing clothes right now so I found this kit with stencils and sequins and pretty paper and shit and she loved it. It even comes with teeny tiny hangers.

Audrey thinks the Care Bears are tits and I found a movie at Target for 5 bucks.

They both got kits to write their own books. Mina's is one you send back to the company once it's done and they make an actual hardcover book out of it. Audrey's is a DIY pop-up book.

I love finding stuff like that.

We've been so busy playing with our new toys that I haven't even had the time to open the box my laptop came in. That might happen at some point, but right now it's my turn to get that much closer to my carpal tunnel surgery. Wiiiiiiii!

Correction

2008-12-22T11:00:00.002-06:00

It was brought to my attention that my post yesterday contained an inaccuracy. Our band name wasn't the brainchild of Stacy, but rather Gina. Big ups to Stacy for correcting the error.

Stacy also reminded me of the name of one of our songs (that she DID come up with):

De Kappa Kappa Kappa Tate.

Tell me we weren't onto something there.

God, I miss being 21.

One time I was in a band

2008-12-21T09:46:00.004-06:00

Back when I had time to spend hours laying around stoned and contemplative, some friends of mine and I decided that we needed to be in a band.

Most of the people we knew were in bands, so why not us? Did it matter than we didn't know how to play any instuments or carry a tune? Of course not.

First order of business was to find a name. What is a band without a name?

Stacy, in a moment of pure genius, was the one to come up with our moniker.

After School Snatch.

Let the sink in for a moment. Fuck yeah.

Google it and you get this:

On Thu, 11 Dec 1997, TJ O'Brien wrote:> In Normal, Illinois, there was a group of girls that were going to be backed by a group of guys (a la thee Headcoatees), and they were going to be called After School Snatch. I really wish they would've gotten (have no idea where this was going...wish this guy would have written more)

I really wish there'd be more of that old girl-group style stuff. I really enjoyed The Pussywillows back when they were around. And in Long Island just a couple years before that there was Bedrock A Go-Go, who'd get up and do a couple songs with LI garage group The Vindicators backingthem. (The Vindicators included Secret Service guitarist Rob Normandin as"Norman Roberts," along with then-Plastic Device organist / then-future King Missile bassist Chris Xefos. Oh yeah, they did one 7" that lists 4songs but has only three on it. And I seem to remember the first pressing having the hole slightly off-center. To think, I've even got a signed copy!)
Blair

See? I'm not making this shit up.

Apparently someone else liked the name enough to use it, and I think they actually went on to make actual music because there is another band out there with the name.

We had a few songs that we wrote ourselves. One was called "All Girls Love Satan" and another was about how stupid frat boys were. Can't remember the name of that one. I know they were all about how we would pretty much kick everyone's collective asses. Think The Donnas, but drunker and way sluttier.

We had some friends of ours on guitar, bass and drums and played one whole show. I don't remember a whole lot except that it was in a bowling alley on punk rock night, it was the birthday of our guitar player and I was really really drunk. I do remember it was super fun and I wanted to do it again and again. But it was not to be.

After that show our drummer had to have some kind of carpal tunnel surgery and, in the haze of being the dopey young people we were, the novelty wore off and we moved on to other things.

My singing voice hasn't gotten any better and I still don't know how to play an instrument, but if given the chance to be a rock star again, I would so be all over that.

Just Because You Can Doesn't Mean You Should

2008-12-19T07:21:00.007-06:00

That flapping sound you hear? That's Michelle Duggar's labia clapping in the wind.

I am fascinated with this family. I DVR every TLC special they throw at me. I can't get enough of this uber wholesome, yet creepy beyond words Stepford family.

Their way of living is so far beyond what I would ever consider for my own family, but I kind of admire Mrs. Duggar for, if nothing else, her top notch time management skills. 18 kids and she still finds time to knock boots with Jim Bob? Go on and git girl.

I decided to we were done half way through my second pregnancy and practically flew onto that surgical table months after Audrey was born to have my shit snipped and burnt closed.

The thought of having any more kids in my house sends a distinct shiver down my spine.

Don't get me wrong. I love my little darlings more than I could possibly express in words, but two is enough for me thankyouverymuch.

Far be it from me to judge how other parents manage their brood. Well, "far" may be a stretch. When it comes to the Duggars, I'm a judgemental bitch.

They're the ones who put themselves on basic cable to fascinate us with tater tot casserole and horrible haircuts. Thankfully Michelle finally reconsidered those bangs because her hair was so bad it was starting to hurt my feelings.

Then there's the way each child has a "buddy". From what I've seen on the shows, that's pretty much code for the older kids taking care of the younger ones. Again, not a huge blip on my radar, but with SO many little Duggars running around, when does each kid get time to themselves?

That must be how Michelle and Jim Bob have time to make more Christian Soldiers.

The kids seem happy and obnoxiously well-mannered, so who am I to piss on their city block long parade?

The last episode I watched was about the family taking a trip (in their own personal tour bus!) to a family reunion. On the way they stopped at the Creation Museum where evolution is just a shaky (evil) scientific (blasphemous) theory. You know--like global warming.

Oh, and the earth is only 6,000 years old.

I wanted Jim to watch it with me, but decided against it since he practically has a coronary when we watch Bill O. or Hannity for more than a few minutes.

The episode ended with the Duggars enjoying some summer fun in "modest" bathing suits and Michelle fawning all over her "Daddy" (that baby voice skeeves me out).

I just need to stop now.

Please use the comments box to share you innermost thoughts on this sideshow-quality family. Feel free to pass this post onto your friends directing them to join the discussion.

Carry on.

One Christmas down

2008-12-14T18:19:00.003-06:00

I spent this weekend with my family celebrating the first Christmas of the season.

I'm lucky because my side of the family picks a weekend well before the actual day to get together instead of expecting everyone to travel like maniacs trying to get all their visiting done at once.

I drove up to my parents' house early Saturday and we headed to NW Indiana to our annual pot luck eating extravaganza.

It was fun to see family I don't see but once (or twice, if I'm lucky) a year. Our family is so big that we have to rent a space to meet at. No one's house is big enough to hold us all. Even with some of our crew missing, it was still a tight fit.

The girls and I headed back to my parents' house afterwards and opened even more gifts. We spent the night and the next morning my Mom said that she had been sick in the night. At first she thought it might be food poisoning so we tried to compare and contrast what each of us had or didn't have because my Dad, the girls and I were all fine.

We left for home earlier than planned because I could see my poor Mom was exhausted.

We weren't 2 minutes from home when I heard Mina from the back seat, "Mom...I kind of feel like I have to puke."

Now, if you have children under the age of 12 you know that when your kid says they think they might throw up, you have about .005 seconds to get them somewhere acceptable to spew.

By the time they say they are going to be sick, it's already too late.

As soon as she blessed her lap and her booster seat with breakfast she said she felt "much much better".

I called Jim from the car to make sure he had supplies at the ready. I cracked the windows and told the girls to sit tight for the next few blocks. I have to say, Mina was a real trooper. She had to sit in her own barf for what probably felt like an eternity and didn't complain once. She'll make a fine college student, no?

I don't think it's the flu. She was hungry for lunch and dinner and has been playing sans whining or fever for a few hours now.

I'm just holding my breath for Audrey's inevitable puke-fest in the middle of the night.

I cannot have gotten off this easily, can I?

I wish I had a communicable, uncurable disease right now

2008-12-11T11:40:00.004-06:00

I decided that since I was running late to the gym I would just get in a little treadmill action. It's not ever my first choice of activity because it involves me making an actual self-motivated effort to sweat.

In a class I am sort of guilted into pushing through because everyone around me is too. When I work out by myself I usually get bored and quit early.

Today though I actually pushed myself and...RAN. Not super fast or anything, and only for a few minute burst, but I did it. And I didn't die. It's a good start.

After about a half hour I decided I wanted to be done, but I knew Audrey would have a Britney-scale freak out if I told her it was time to leave the kid care room. She loves that place.

I decided I would go upstairs and, no matter what the 10:15 class was, I would take it.

Lucky me, it was that "dance" workout class, Zumba.

Not wanting to puss out, I stayed. The teacher was really sweet so I wanted to at least give it a chance.

The second I decided to stay, I saw this woman walking towards me who I recognized from Audrey's first preschool. I don't remember her name, so I'll just call her "Bitch that won't shut the hell up" or BTWSTHU for short.

BTWSTHU started in immediately. "HI! How've you been? Carson is in preschool today so I'm here taking this class, it's fun, I've only done it once, but it was really really fun, how's Audrey? I think about her all the time, I knew I would run into you sooner or later, do you do swim lessons? We do them at Happy Splashes, and my sons love it, it's two times a week so they really liked it, it's expensive but I think it's worth it, you will love this class, it's not that hard...."

No breaths taken. No pauses for responses.

And she's one of those who, instead of taking a breath or a break from yapping, she inserts a "well, like I said before" to segue back into something she already beat to death 10 minutes ago.

It's impossible to escape conversation with her short of being hit by a car.

Thankfully the class started and the music was so loud I couldn't hear her. Finally, she stopped talking.

I'll admit the class was kind of fun. I'll probably do it again but really, if I feel like dancing around like an idiot I'll do what I normally do and throw back a few drinks before heading downtown to the gay bar. Duh.

I stopped to take a water break at the same time as an old lady in the class. As soon as I had the water bottle to my lips I heard, "Excuse me. I think that's mine".

I felt really bad, but it wasn't really my fault. She put her water, which looked exactly like mine, right next to my stuff.

"I'm so sorry, " I said. What was I supposed to do? So I added, "Um...I don't have cooties if that makes you feel any better." and kind of lightly put my hand on her shoulder to really bring the point home.

What do you think that bitch did? Bristled! BRISTLED at my friendly gesture. And then took the other water bottle and went out of her way to throw it in the trash.

Oh, for the love.

I ended up leaving the class early because I had had enough of both BTWSTHU and Crotch-face old lady. Plus I was getting hungry.

As I was leaving I made sure to make eye contact with Crotchy and mouth the word "Herpes" and blow her a kiss.

That'll show her.

Out of the mouths of babes

2008-12-11T08:22:00.003-06:00

"Your hair smells like the library." (Mina)

"What if this was Crazy Town?" (Audrey)

I'm Done

2008-12-10T17:42:00.004-06:00

Christmas shopping that is.

I got the last of the booty today and even got some of it wrapped.

This Saturday I am headed up north for holiday festivities with my maternal extended family. It's just me and the kids this year. Jim could not get the shop covered so he'll have to while away the weekend watching soccer and eating a bunch of disgusting food I can't even look at without wanting to barf (potted meat product for example).

I went to Target this morning instead of working out. Given the choice between exercise class and going to my most favorite store ever BY MYSELF even...well, it wasn't even a contest.

My parents don't need anything, so they are really hard to shop for. They won't tell me what they want ("Oh honey. Don't you spend any money on us!"). So they are getting one of those digital photo frame things.

I was half-way through wrapping it before I remembered that I was going to upload a bunch of pictures of the girls on it. I guess my laptop will be joining us on our journey to the wilds of Suburban Chicago.

It's mostly for my Mom to take to work with her so I got my Dad a few things that seemed perfect for him.

Speakers for the iPod he still doesn't know how to use, tiny tap lights because he's old and old people love that shit, and these weird shoe attachments to prevent slipping on the ice. Again, perfect old person gift.

I already got my Mother-in-law a set of vintagey-looking ornaments and Jim will fill in the blanks on the rest of his parents' gifts.

I got most of the girls' gifts on BLACK FRIDAY. I always feel like I have to say that real menacing-like. MUWAHAHAHAHAHA BLLLAAAACCKKK FRIIIIDDAAAYYY.

Yes, I went out for the first time ever on a crazy day after Thanksgiving adventure. It was SO much fun. Yes, I said fun.

My friend Meghan and I got going at 5am and we were done and home before 10. Everything went really smoothly save for the assface in front of Target.

We got there at 5, thinking they opened at 5. When we got in line, we were told they didn't open until 6. As much as I loves me some Target, I wasn't about to wait for an hour in the 20 degree weather.

As Meghan and I walked back to our car, some fucktard yelled at us that we weren't going to find a shorter line somewhere else. Dick.

We promptly ran up to him, poured our hot lattes down his Dockers and punched him in his smart mouth. Or we didn't. You weren't there, so that's the story I'm sticking with.

So, I'm all done with what usually takes me into the day before the day before Jesus' birthday.

And very best, most delicious part?

I didn't put one red cent on a credit card.

Son of the son of the...It's a fun story thing.

2008-12-09T15:48:00.005-06:00

Hello kind readers! I have been tagged. Here's the rules:

If you are one of the carriers of this story virus (i.e. you have been tagged and choose to contribute to it), you will have one responsibility, in addition to contributing your own piece of the story: you will have to tag at least one person that continues your story thread. So, say you tag five people. If four people decide to not participate, it's okay, as long as the fifth one does. And if all five participate, well that's five interesting threads the story spins off into.Not a requirement, but something your readers would appreciate: to help people trace your own particular thread of the narrative, it will be helpful if you include links to the chapters preceding yours.

Here is the beginning of this adventure (compliments of the mad scientist who started this, Splotchy):

The bus was more crowded than usual. It was bitterly cold outside, and I hadn't prepared for it. I noticed that a fair number of the riders were dressed curiously. As I glanced around, I stretched my feet and kicked up against a large, heavy cardboard box laying under the seat in front of me.

And the continuation by Bubs:

Its owner, a fat shifty-looking hillbilly, slouched uncomfortably under the weight of his Bulgarian army surplus wool coat and cap. I could tell he wasn't cut out for this weather. He jerked around, almost spastic, when he felt the box tap against his feet. He gulped and stared at me bug-eyed, one obscene rivulet of sweat running down his temple, down along his jaw, finally disappearing somewhere between his second chin and the fake fur collar of his coat.

Right away, and for no good reason, he pissed me off.

(and my contribution):

I wasn't exactly in the mood for any bullshit today. Yesterday, sure. I went looking for it. But today, not so much.

I had already missed my regular bus because sometime in the middle of the night the power had gone out and my alarm clock doesn't run on good intentions.

Normally, I would catch the 6:52 into work, but here I was on the 7:42, affectionately called "The Geek Train" by locals.

Going for a world record bad day I kindly asked Mr. Bulgaria if he would mind directing his stank breath in the other direction.

I tag:
Spare Change
Jimmy City
Tanya Espanya
Earth Muffin
Tankboy

**Edited to add Wonder Twins Power...Inebriate! to the story writing fun.

Pyromaniac

2008-12-07T17:52:00.004-06:00

I love having a fireplace.

I would have a fire going all day every day if I could.

We got our Christmas tree today and had to trim a few hang-y branches around the bottom. We had a fire going, so Jim started throwing them in there.

He was "directing" the girls while they put the ornaments on, so I started throwing more branches in the fire.

The smell was a wonderful wintery aroma of pine and seasoned wood. The sap in the branches made the most magnificent sound and the fire burned so hot I think I got a sunburn from sitting in front of it.

It kind of freaked me out, how intense the fire got. All I could think about is how fast our tree would go up if our house caught on fire.

Because that's what I do. Enjoy something beautiful until I can come up with some tragic scenario and ruin the whole experience.

Ah...Christmas.

Apparently my whole family wants to go the hospital this weekend

2008-12-07T07:38:00.004-06:00

I did my part and Audrey decided to do hers.

I got a call last night at about 5 that my in laws were bringing the girls back home. Audrey was screaming bloody murder about her ears hurting. She was inconsolable.

I figured she'd fall asleep on the ride here from Peoria but I guess she just whimpered the whole way.

When she got here and I saw her I wanted to cry right along with her. She looked so pathetic.

I gave her some Motrin and waited, but she didn't seem to feel any better.

Being 7pm on a Sunday night, I figured I'd take her to the ER and hope they could help us out.

Audrey fell asleep in the car on the way there. I had to make a "Mom Call".

Do I turn around and hope she stays asleep until tomorrow when the Prompt Care opens?

All it took to stay was picturing a 3am scream fest that would send us right back out into the 5 degree weather.

I woke her up and asked her how she felt. Her ears still hurt and the tears started again, so we checked in for our two hour wait.

For a kid who is miserable with a double ear infection, the little Bean was in pretty good spirits.

"Mama, that lady's head isn't round. People's heads are supposed to be ROOOUUUUNNNDD."

"Mama, that girl is wearing boy shoes."

"Whas yo name? Girl! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

"Lady, why is your coat green?"

"Why you need that wheelchair? Can I ride too?"

I made sure she didn't get too near anyone who looked contagious (read: holding a puke pan) by letting her hold court from my lap.

Naturally she charmed the nurses, and we had fun getting her to try to say sphignometer (ooh, I spelled that right on my first try!).

Two hours later we were sent back to a room. I found an old coloring book and a handful of crayons to keep her busy. She tired of that but told me that "the next time we come here, I'll color more." The next time. Sure.

The nurse told Audrey that our doctor looked like Santa Claus and she got pretty excited. When he arrived, and he was fairly slim with a close-cropped beard, Audrey let him know in no uncertain terms that he most certainly did NOT look like Santa.

We got our prescription called in and I told Audrey it was time to go.

She clung to the side rails on the bed and refused to leave. I think she liked being there.

Maybe it was the fact that everyone was paying attention to her (as opposed to having to share attention with her sister). Maybe it was the novelty of all the buttons and gadgets she wanted to play with the second my back was turned. I don't know.

But what kind of kid wants to hang out at the ER?

This morning she is in good spirits and ate a little bit. Then she puked.

It's going to be a long Sunday.

She lives!

2008-12-06T16:05:00.003-06:00

Well, I made it home safe and sound. Maybe not so much sound as completely hooped up on smack.

Then the good stuff wore off.

Slept most of the day away, then like a rock all night. This morning I woke up and my mouth felt like a squirrel had burrowed in it all night.

I don't feel too bad today. A little tired, a little achey.

I got to the surgicenter place at 6am and they took me back to the prep area by 6:15 or so. The nurse made me pee in a cup. I tried to tell her that there was no way I was pregnant--well, there was that .0001% my tubes decided to unravel and let something through, but it was highly unlikely.

She gave me some spiel about how if I had all my "parts", they had to do the test. Then told me a funny story about how "you haven't lived until you've asked a nurse for a pregnancy test". I got confused and asked her if she went to a Catholic high school. Laughs all around.

She gave me my sexy gown, robe and non-slip socks. Got my IV. Talked to the anesthesiologist. No loose teeth to worry about, no allergies, no problem.

My doc came in and we chatted about what was about to go down. Can med students watch the procedure? Sure, why not? Who doesn't want their vadge on display for a bunch of strangers?

Then the nurse gave me something to "take the edge off".

HOLY SHIT. I don't remember anything past that.

Last thing I do remember is watching that "Clean Sweep" show with that woman from Reno 911 and then BOOM, I was waking up from the gas.

Nurse gives me some ice chips. Do I need anything for the pain? Um...yes, please.

More dope.

There's my husband. Change back into my street clothes. Get my prescription filled. Kind of remember calling my Mom.

And home.

I've watched bits and pieces of all kinds of shitty movies. The kids are at their grandparent's house until tomorrow.

All in all, this has been a pretty sweet vacation from life.

Giving my Health Insurance a Work Out

2008-12-04T16:24:00.005-06:00

Tomorrow I'm going in for a little minor outpatient surgery. Sadly I will be walking out with the same size boobs I walked in with, but happily minus a uterine lining.

I have to say, that sounds even more appealing in print than it does out loud. Try it..."UTERINE LINING". Mmmm. Has a nice ring to it.

This is supposed to be the last resort short of the big H which I'd rather not get if I can help it. I like my uterus. It just doesn't like me. We're working on it.

I'm driving myself over to the hospital at 6am to check in, and Jim will be over there after dropping the kids off at their respective schools. They won't let me take myself home after being under general anesthesia and on what will hopefully be pocketfulls of pain killers.

Mmmm. Pain killers.

I told Jim the other day that I was kind of looking forward to having a couple days during which I am supposed to do absolutely nothing--and not feel guilty about it.

And of course, there's the pain killers.

To clarify, I have plenty of days where I do absolutely nothing, but it's all that guilt about it that really pisses on my parade.

I was thinking about making myself a nice little play list on my iPod. Do they let you listen to music while your under the knife or, in this case, some sort of laser-beam coat hanger contraption?

Not that it matters. I'll be completely out.

But what if I have some kind of out of body experience? Mama needs a soundtrack.

Dichotomy

2008-12-03T11:58:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I got the best email from Mina's teacher:

Hi!
I just have to email you and tell you how much I like working with Mina. She brightens every day!! Her smile is one of the most beautiful smiles!! My son was really impressed with her the day he came and saw the program. She was helping us move desks and Ryan asked what her name was. She really makes an impression on people because of her personality. I just want you to know that I think she is such a wonderful little girl. I want to keep her for another year!!!!
Mrs. J

I emailed her back and thanked her for completely making my day. I also thanked her for being such a great teacher. Mina adores her and I can tell that she is really retaining what she is learning. She actually applies what she's learned, and that to me is the sign of a great teaching style (well, and a smart kid).

The teacher then sent this:

I just adore her and listen to every word she says because everything she says has meaning. I don’t say this about many students. I just know as a parent I would want to know that my child’s teacher feels this way. You have done a beautiful job with her. She is so much a polite, young lady already. Have a great day!

Who doesn't like to hear how kick ass their kid is? Yeah, I'm pretty damn proud of my big girl.

That's not to say that I'm not madly in love with little Miss Audrey. She's just a whole different animal from Mina. Audrey is my clone. Perfect strangers even comment on how much she looks like me. It's cool, but also kind of weird at the same time.

Her personality is a little more "aggressive" than Mina's. She's not physically aggressive, but she isn't afraid to use verbal force to state her case--even when it's a bigger kid on the other end of the dis.

Today we had this exchange:

Audrey: Mama, could you please help me take off my shoes?
Me: Sure, since you asked so nicely.
Audrey: I was nice to Carter (a boy in her preschool class) today.
Mama: Well, that's good. Are you usually NOT nice to him?
Audrey: Um...how much nice?

Poor Carter.

Brain Dump

2008-11-24T14:16:00.005-06:00

I have a profile over on Facebook and I've been getting back into touch with all these people I hung out with in college. We're talking 12 to 16 years ago. Christ.

I ran with an insane crowd of people back then. I still hang out with some of them, but our insanity has settled into more of a simmering weirdness.

A lot of these old friends have been posting pictures from "back in the day". Some of them make me laugh my ass off and some of them make me have to catch my breath. I lived a lot of life in those few short years.

By looking at all those old pictures, mostly what I am reminded of is how much of a total dipshit I was.

I tried to explain this on the phone to an old friend the other day. He just laughed and told me that "we were ALL dipshits". I don't know though. That's not exactly how I remember it.

It doesn't help that I still live in the same town that I went to college in. Maybe if I didn't have to drive past the houses and apartments I partied in (or the spaces where the houses and apartments used to be) it wouldn't still be so fresh in my mind.

You'd think with all the mind-altering substances I put into my body during that time I wouldn't be able to remember much, but it's still there.

Don't get me wrong. I had A LOT of fun--probably too much fun. But somewhere in between all that "fun" were some not so pleasant memories. Part of getting older and having to become a "grownup" must be the lingering guilt of the past.

Or is that just me?

I don't think I was a mean person, just thoughtless. Selfish. Self-centered.

If I could go back in time and talk to my 20 year old self, I would tell that person to quit being such a dumb ass. I would tell her to try and think her decisions through to the end instead of demanding instant gratification.

"See that guy? You will come home from a party and find him bleeding in your bed."

"And that guy? He will dump you "to be alone", but introduce you to his new girlfriend about 12 hours later."

"That one? You'll catch him ogling another girl's tits at a party and he'll break up with you when you call him on it. (But he'll make a spectacular fool of himself trying to sleep with her, so it all evens out in the end. And then he'll ask you to take him back by biting the heads off roses and spitting them at your feet at a bar.)

Obviously what's done is done. And things turned out pretty peachy in the end.

I just can't help but think of how much time got wasted getting here.

Besides, I'm pretty sure my 20 year old self wouldn't have listened anyway.

Answer: Can you peel them?

2008-11-19T20:18:00.004-06:00

Question: What did my 4 year old daughter ask me tonight at dinner, when I told her to eat her peas?

Hell to the Yes!

2008-11-14T09:09:00.004-06:00

Six weeks later my adventure to Insurance Land is almost over.

It took their agent an entire MONTH to get back to me. Once she finally called (while I was at Mina's class Halloween party no less), she told me to go get a second estimate. I should note that I think the only reason she did call me was because my agent left her a nasty voicemail about going over her head and basically dropping the proverbial hammer on her ass.

So I got the second estimate, and it was within 30 bucks of the other one. I sent copies to her and another full week went by with no word.

I left a voicemail yesterday and she called me this morning. I don't know if she was planning on blowing me off forever, but I was determined to hunt her down until this got resolved.

Yes, they are going to pay for it. Which place would I like to go? I didn't really care, but asked if I should schedule now or wait to hear from her.

She told me that I could go now if I wanted to, but I might want to wait until I got the check.

Uh...what now?

I assumed that they would send a check to the place or at most, a reimbursment check to me once they had proof I got it fixed.

Nope.

I get a big fat check.

Fuck the car. I'm paying off another credit card.

An open letter...

2008-11-10T10:55:00.001-06:00

I'd like to take the opportunity to thank some very special people in the world: Bitchy Wives.

Your unyielding cuntiness has made my life a little easier, and you have my utmost gratitude. Let me explain:

It all starts when you meet your future husband. He's smart, cute in a dorky way and never seems to look at other women (well, not 3-dimensional women anyway). He treats you well, has a good work ethic and seems to want to settle down. He's pretty great in every way... except that pesky comic book/action figure/anime/video game/cult DVD collection that seems to take up his garage/room in his apartment/section of his parents' basement.

You ignore the collection(s) because hey, you're only dating. It's not like you guys live together and you have to look at that vintage Millenium Falcon every day, right?

But then, things get more serious. Maybe a couple years goes by and you decide you guys should move in together. You can only afford a one bedroom apartment, but you have to get two. One room for your sweet, sweet lovemaking and another for the boxes upon boxes of collectibles the Mister has.

"OK", you think, "It's not like we're MARRIED. I can overlook all this stuff."

But then you do get married.

And the hammer drops.

"It's me or the stuff."

Naturally, you win.

The poor schlub brings his collection(s) in to my husband. Tears in his eyes, he tells Jim the oh-so-familiar story of woe before walking out with a fraction of the cash he shelled out over the years to collect all that stuff. Unfortunately, Overstreet doesn't factor sentimental value into the going rate of that run of Spawn the Mister meticulously bagged and boarded 18 years ago.

A few years go by and things don't work out so well. If you ask me, the writing was on the wall the second you asked him to get rid of his stuff, but that's neither here nor there.

After you split up, after you've stripped the poor knucklehead of his toys for entrance into your favor, Jim gets another visit. This visit ends on a much much happier note--for him AND for Jim.

And, most importantly, for me.

Thanks to you, Bitch Wife, I've got a whole mess o' bills paid off.

You didn't think that Spiderman obsession vacated his brain the minute the vows were spoken, did you?

My eternal gratitude to all the Bitch Wives, the "grownups", the "ultimatum givers" and the Suburban Upwardly Mobile Haters Club.

I thank you. My husband thanks you. My bank account thanks you.

Sincerely,
Bacon Lady

And another question.

2008-11-07T06:32:00.003-06:00

Please see poll on sidebar.

Now that the election is over I have one very important question

2008-11-06T06:43:00.001-06:00

Does Bristol still have to get married?

And that, my friends is a fine example of our kick ass parenting

2008-10-16T12:22:00.004-05:00

Last night in the tub, Mina told her father that she was going to vote for John McCain.

Jim: Why?
Mina: I like him.
Jim: You LIKE him?
Mina: Yes. I like him.
Jim: WHY do you like him? Is it because he looks like a Grandpa? (Note: McCain does sort of look like my Dad--who is a die hard Republican. Then again, so does Captain Picard.) Who's telling you to like John McCain? Is it someone at school?
Mina: No. I just like him.

We went to sleep on that, but this morning I brought it up again.

Me: Mina, who really told you to like John McCain?
Mina: NO ONE, Mama!
Jim: You know he's a bad man, don't you?
Mina: (looks worried)
Me: Yeah, and he wants to tell you what to do with your own body!
Mina: (looks confused)
Jim: And he hates dogs.
Mina: He hates dogs?!
Jim: Yeah, he kicks them when he sees them. He got a dog just to kick it.
Mina: That's mean!
Me: I know! And wants to tell people who they can marry.
Mina: I don't want to get married!
Me: Well, if you vote for John McCain, he'll MAKE you get married.
Jim: ...and kick dogs.

Then Audrey piped in."I like arockabama!"
Me: Good girl.

Jim: John McCain hates our dogs.
Mina: But they're so cute! Would he kick OUR dogs?
Jim and Me: Yup.

Mina: I don't like John McCain anymore.
Me: Good girl.

PawPaw needs a nap

2008-10-16T06:44:00.005-05:00

Like many of you, I watched the debate last night. I actually stayed awake for the whole thing this time!

Those last two were real snoozers in my opinion. I kept getting pissed at long-winded answers that weren't really even answers at all.

But last night was different.

I'm no political analyst, but I think we can all agree that Obama put the smack down on Grampa, yes?

One thing is bothering me though.

Near the end, McCain started talking about how Sarah Palin would fight the good fight for children with special needs, especially Autism.

Several times I heard him refer to the fact that she especially knows what it's like to deal with a child with Autism.

Uh...unless I missed a press release, the only child she has with special needs is her son--with Downs Syndrome.

Sure, Bristol had a "special need" for an abortion about 6 months ago and Track has a "special need" to legally change his name when he turns 18, but I digress.

Did McCain get confused? Does he not understand the difference between Autism and DS?

Did anyone else catch that or am I just imagining things?

Wine: It's what's for dinner

2008-10-13T18:19:00.006-05:00

I love three day weekends. Love them. It's so nice to have an extra day devoid of schedules, making lunches, fighting over what Mina is going to wear that day, etc. etc. etc.

The only problem is that I forgot that I did schedule something for today.

Maybe I was thrown off because we only had one usable car today. Jim needed brakes on his van.

Strike one, Columbus Day weekend.

I hate going to the gym on Mondays so I took Jim and the girls there and I was planning on running some errands then going to pick them up.

About halfway there I got a call from the person I was supposed to giving a haircut (along with her husband, her two kids, her friend and her two kids). Oops.

I had it on the calendar. I just didn't check it before leaving the house today.

I felt like a total asshole. Mostly because this is isn't the first time I've done this to her. I flaked out last haircut appointment too. I felt like an official fucktard.

Strike two.

The day started shaping up better after I made a little money doing the haircuts and got Jim's van to Sears and him to work. Mina got one of those free pizza things from school for doing her reading stuff.

I took the girls to lunch there and we had a lot of fun. They were perfect angels the whole time and even afterwards at the grocery store.

Yes, the day was turning out OK. The weather was gorgeous and the girls played outside together (no fighting!) and even came inside to play together in the basement (no screeching!).

I capitalized on their good behavior to take a little quiet time for myself upstairs.

Naturally, there is a Strike three.

Am I new? Did I forget the Golden Rule of parenting?

When all is quiet, all is still
Do not assume there's danger nil.
When not a nary sound they make
It's best to have a look to take.
If children play without a sound,
Do not walk, but quickly bound.
For minors left to their own accord....
Are most likely trashing the fucking basement.

I first realized something was "off" when Audrey appeared in the living room completely naked and soaking wet. There is a bathroom, but no shower or a tub to be found down there, so I just knew they were making a mess of apocalyptic proportions.

And I was correct in that assumption.

It seems they thought it was a good idea to "wash" about 15 stuffed animals in the sink. Not only that, but they thought the computer chair would be a great place to let them dry-the computer chair that sits on top of carpet.

The bathroom was a real treat too! A good inch of water on the floor and sloppy clumps of wet toilet paper strewn about. Nothing says "good time" like mounds of mushy slop all over the place.

Words escaped me for a moment. Then they didn't. I'm pretty sure the neighbors heard the tirade. Most of them have children that are or very recently were my children's' ages, so I know they have been in my position at one point or another and aren't going to hold the yell fest against me.

The girls both knew they were in deep shit too. I'm almost certain that actual steam came out of my ears. I told them to go to their rooms and get dry clothes on. Not only were they wet, but the clothes they were wearing earlier were also soaking wet in a pile on the carpet down there.

I got NO argument.

When I told them that neither of them get to watch TV for the rest of the week, they just nodded their heads.

We left the house shortly after the 'discovery of evidence' to go pick Jim up from work. When I told him what happened, he laughed.

When I went next door to the record shop to say hello and tell them what happened, they thought it was funny too.

And you know what? It IS funny. In fact, it's pretty god damned hilarious. But I can't let my kids know that. I'm afraid that the next time they might escalate the "hilarity".

Don't get me wrong. I am still pretty pissed off that they thought it was a good idea to wash stuffed animals in the sink and proceed to make a monumental mess, but now that I am looking at the bottom of a glass of wine, I can definitely see the humor in all of this.

And I'm going to watch CNN every day after school just to spite them.

Rock Star

2008-10-10T16:14:00.000-05:00

Thanks to my friend, Phil Good, I get to feel famous.

My nickname for the last 16 years or so has been "Gidget". Just about anyone who met me after August of 1992 knows me by this name--so much so that many people thought that was my given name until told otherwise.

Today, Mr. Good made me this fabulous "portrait" after I agreed with him that I needed my own talk show.

Whatcha' think? Could you see this flying down the street on a city bus? Because I definitely could.

Me + Math = not good

2008-10-09T14:01:00.004-05:00

Math is hard.

I'm back in school now. I can only take one class at a time because I am paying for it on my own. I suppose I could find some financial aid, but I'm already paying off a chunk to Sallie Mae and I just don't want to have to add more to the pile.

In order to finish my Associates I have to take a math class. The kicker is that I had to take an assessment test to find out which math class I could sign up for next semester.

They don't just let you take the 100 level class and be done with it. No. They want to make sure they humiliate you as much as possible before letting you in.

So, I took the test this morning, and I felt like someone hit me in the head with a hammer and asked me to walk a tightrope.

I haven't been in a math class in many many years and even then I was pretty lost most of the time.

From question ONE I was scratching my head.

Needless to say I tested into the "dummy math".

There are three (not for credit!) classes below the 106 I need for my degree and I tested into the second to the lowest--Math 087.

You don't even need a calculator for this class. Just all your fingers and toes.

So now I have to take 087, 096 and THEN I can take 106. And by the way, if I want to get back into ISU as a Psychology major I also need a finite math class.

I'm going to be drowning in numbers for the next 4 semesters.

By the way, I hit someone on a bike a couple weeks ago

2008-10-08T15:41:00.002-05:00

Yup. Just as the title states.

I'm thankful for two things:

1) The girl I hit is OK.
2) It totally wasn't my fault.

I was driving Mina to school and was at the four way stop a few blocks from my house. I waited for my turn and, just as I let off the brake to go, I had a college coed on my hood. Not in a teenage boy fantasy Whitesnake video kind of way either.

It happened so fast. I seriously did not see her until she was right there splayed across the front end of my car.

She got right back up and started apologizing to me. I felt like an attempted murderess.

A witness across the street called 911 and they were there in like 3 minutes.

The cop was super nice and kept asking Mina if she was alright (she was).

Basically, the girl wasn't watching and didn't stop at the crosswalk before riding through. There was no way I could have stopped in time. The witness, the cop and even the girl all said it wasn't my fault.

I held it together until I had to call Jim at home and tell him he needed to give Audrey a ride to preschool. Then I started a lovely hysterical sob in front of Mina. And still, she held it together.

It took me a whole weekend to process the whole ordeal.

Monday I took my car in for an estimate on the damage. My car came away with some hefty scratches and a dent. I wasn't really going to do anything about it, but my insurance agent said I really should as this would seriously lower my trade in value.

TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS.

We're turning it into her parents' insurance. There's no way I would be able to get it fixed otherwise. Since the cop said it was her fault, her Mommy and Daddy get to pay for the fixin'.

Except that her Mom isn't being real forthcoming with the info. My agent said she's, and I quote, "being real North Shore cunty about it".

Apparently Mommy doesn't understand why we would "go to all this trouble on a 6 year old car".

HA!

Sorry I can't trade in my lease for the newest Jag every other year. Some of us have to drive older cars that they worked very hard to get paid off.

So Friday will be two weeks since the accident and I still haven't heard a word from their insurance. I can't really do anything about it until their person comes and does their own assessment of the damage.

Part of me thinks they might try and fight it. Can they do that?

More importantly, is there a possibility I can come away from this with a new car?

Why I have never been nor will I ever be a teacher

2008-10-07T15:53:00.004-05:00

Mina's in first grade now.

For the most part, she loves it. Occasionally she comes home with "mean girl" tales (it's starts in kindergarten people, and it sucks ASS), but she's chugging along nonetheless.

Almost every night she has homework. We have a nice little routine going where she'll have a snack at the table and work on whatever her teacher sent home that day.

After seeing what she's supposed to do I tell her to work on it and I'll check it when she's done.

And herein lies the problem.

When I was pregnant with her, my first child, people would ask me what I was having. When I told them the baby was a girl some people would get all giddy and squishy about it.

"Oh, maybe she'll have red hair like you!"
"I bet you can't wait to do her hair all pretty!"
"I LOVE buying girl clothes--all that pink!"

And OK, maybe those things did cross my mind, but the thing I wanted most for my baby girl was for her to be smart.

I remember a conversation with a friend of mine during my pregnancy. When the words "Dougie Howser, MD" passed my lips, you would have thought I wished for my baby to be born with a tail (P.S. That thought also crossed my mind).

"But why would you want her to be a freak?!"

So maybe being a doctor at ten wasn't ever going to be in the cards (damn you Neil Patrick Harris or setting the bar so high), but was it too much to hope she would have a head up in the academic world?

I'm not saying Mina isn't bright. She's an amazing artist and comes up with fantastic stories which she illustrates herself. Socially, she's a firecracker and can make friends in an instant. She's the kid at the playground who'll have eight other kids playing underwater mermaid ninja adventure ten minutes after we get there.

The schoolwork however is another story.

I try to help her correct her homework, but the whole ordeal leaves me wanting to poke my eyes out with a No. 2 pencil. I get so frustrated. Didn't she JUST learn this at school? Didn't her teacher come up with some cute fancy way to help them remember how to make 17 cents a few different ways? Didn't we just read that same word a page ago?

It's like she's guessing most of the time or waiting to guess what I want her to say. She doesn't take her time and think it through. The "17 cents" homework sent me into fits. It's COUNTING for chrissake. I know very well she can count and add and what the different coins are worth.

I try to keep my utter lack of patience on the down low. I'm sure I'm not doing a very good job.

Thankfully Jim has much more patience than I and can come up with those cute fancy ways teachers have of helping students remember things.

I know I probably set an unreasonable set of expectations Mina's shoulders. Not all kids are going to "get" everything the first few times they are taught something. It doesn't help that she gets mad at herself (and wants to either give up or not try something at all) if she isn't good at it. My poor little Type A child.

I did that to her. It's OK. I can admit that. I didn't mean to, but it happened and now all I can do is try to fix it...

By letting her father help her with her homework for awhile.

Pimps up? Hose down.

2008-08-30T07:27:00.006-05:00

I've been addicted to the 24 hour news channels since yesterday afternoon when John McCain announced his running mate.

The more it sinks in, the more I kind of feel sorry for the old dude.

Yes, it was a "smart" move to try and woo the conglomerate of pissed off Hillary supporters to the dark side. And yes, unfortunately, it will work on some of them.

That's sad for so many reasons.

The only thing Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton have in common is a vagina.

And matronly hair.

None of this attempted wooing has any affect on me though. I've been an Obama supporter since the primaries. Actually I voted for Obama when he was running for the Senate, but I didn't know that much about him back then. All I knew was that he wasn't Alan Keyes, and that was good enough for me at the time.

I bring this up not just because it's what everyone is talking about, but to share a story from Disney World...

While waiting in line for Pooh's Honey Spot (is that what it's called? That's pretty pervy), I saw a young man wearing a t-shirt that stopped me in my tracks.

I'm always excited to see other people supporting the same candidate as me. Like, "Yeah, we're on the same team! GO US!". In this case though...I was kind of embarrassed.

The shirt in question featured an outline of Obama's face on top with Clinton's face below.

Over it was written:

"BRO'S BEFORE HO'S"

Yeah.

Not wanting to ruin my family's vacation I retracted the claws, and tried to ignore it every time we passed this guy in the ever winding line to see Audrey's favorite little bear all stuffed with fluff.

Most of me however wanted to shake this young man by the shoulders in an attempt to rattle his mind and "help" him figure out why his shirt sucks major donkey balls.

Don't we have better things to do than encourage the already abundant sexism in this race (country)? I want to see the humor in it. I really do. Worn ironically 15 years from now, I would be on the floor in a puddle of my pee from a fit of the giggles. But now? Not so much.

And we were in Florida--Land of the Republican. I couldn't help but take this guy's t-shirt as a sign that he doesn't truly care. Hell, maybe he isn't even registered to vote. He looked pretty young. Maybe he's not even old enough to vote?

Maybe the Republicans themselves are selling these t-shirts? After all, wasn't it the big R that was hocking the buttons which read: "Keep the White House White"?

The saddest part is that this guy was with what appeared to be his whole family--Mom and Grandma to boot. I have to draw the conclusion that they think the shirt is an OK statement too.

Way to forward the cause, assholes.

I think I'll pass

2008-08-28T09:42:00.003-05:00

I got this email today from the president of the PTO at Mina's school. I've taken the liberty to remove any identifying information from it because I'm feeling a little paranoid today, but the rest is in its original form.

Good morning everyone!

I hope that your families have had a great beginning of a new school year! It's always so much fun getting new school supplies and clothes and shoes and getting to see all your friends you miss from last year! I still love a new box of Crayola crayons!

Doesn't (school name) look wonderful! It's amazing how quickly and how well they've gotten all the classrooms renovated!!! What a great place for our children to learn!!!

I just wanted to drop you a short line to let you know that we will be meeting for the first 2008-2009 (school name) PTO meeting on September 8th at 6:30 pm at (school name). Our meetings will be on the 2nd monday of each month for the whole school year with the only exception being in October. We will meet on October 6th instead!!!

We will be providing childcare during the meetings this year by high school students! So if you would like to come but don't have anyone to watch the kids, please feel free to bring them.

The data base is being created so we can keep more folks in the loop of happenings, so please forward this to all your friends at (school name) and ask them to reply so we can put them on the list as well!

We look forward to seeing everyone at the meeting!!!

Please call me if you have any questions!

Jamie M*****
(phone number removed)

What the holy fuck is with all the !!!!!!'s?

Who's this excited about the PTO? Why is she yelling at me? What's she like in person? Was she drunk typing?

I think I'm too scared to go.

Dance Party USA!

2008-08-25T13:26:00.006-05:00

I had to add this video. Travis and Kevin got us this fantastic musical anniversary card. The girls LOVED it.

Naturally I had to get their dance on record even though Mina seemed awfully peeved that I made her perform ("OK! I'll do it!").

Why the hell do people have kids if they can't be entertained by them?

Ten Years Equals PARTY!

2008-08-25T11:41:00.008-05:00

I had a fantastic time at our anniversary party on Saturday. It was exactly what I wanted and needed it to be.

So many old friends, so much food and most importantly, lots o' liquor.

I hope we can do this again in another ten years!

I didn't take nearly enough pictures.

This is how we started, but somehow ended up with 12 bottles by the next morning. I don't have to buy wine for a year!

Travis being surly and pervy at the same time. I love him.

Kim and Jill. This was at the start of the party, and Jill's being silly. The most ironic part is that she actually ended up like that by the end of the night. See where she's sitting? That's where she was standing as she sacrificed all her liquor back to my porch.

We had keg issues. Three taps later, we finally had our Heineken.

Jim is no doubt saying something VERY important

Obligatory drunk hostess shot

If I knew you were comin' I'd a baked a cake

2008-08-20T16:39:00.003-05:00

I'm having a bunch of friends over on Saturday for a party to celebrate the Mister and I's tenth annivesary.

I've been planning for a long time, and it's finally here.

I'm not worried about making food or having enough liquor. Anyone who's here can feel free to crash in any bed or open floor space they can find, so I'm not worried about anyone driving drunk.

No. My worry?

Cleaning my house.

I'm an OK housekeeper--meaning there isn't anything rotting underneath anyone's bed, the floors get vaccumed almost daily and I'm usually not worried about anyone seeing the state of my bathroom on most days.

Getting the house clean and keeping it clean are two completely different stories. I don't daydream about fancy vacations. No, my fantasies involve having a maid to follow my children around and clean up after them (and maybe some other stuff that has nothing to do with cleaning products...).

Honestly, I'm not usually this much of a freak when it comes to this stuff.

It's when I am having a gathering of people over that I panic.

Some of the friends coming to the party live far away and most of them haven't been to our house.

Considering the squalor we all lived in back during our college years, I really don't know why I have this obsession to get my house perfectly clean.

Why the fuck do I care if there are crumbs under the toaster?

But I do.

I'm really glad that I am back in school and working my brain a little. I'm a little bit scared of what I'm becoming.

Not that there's anything wrong with being home to cook and clean and all that shit. I actually enjoy it most of the time. It sounds weird, but I feel more sane when everything's picked up.

I know people that can live happily in chaos, but I can't even stand to wake up to dirty dishes from the night before.

I think part of it is that I finally live in the kind of house I've wanted to live in since I was a little kid growing up in tiny apartments. If I don't take care of it, it's almost as if I don't appreciate it.

Kind of like when people win the lottery and squander it all away in a matter of years. I don't get that at all. There's only so many lap dances one can get before it gets boring.

I plan on taking a million pictures on Saturday. Not only because so many old friends will be there but also to document how, for at least one day, my house was sparkling.

Had my first hospital call last night

2008-08-18T12:02:00.003-05:00

And it went alright.

I got to work with one of our medical advocates. What a woman! She is just amazing--so calm, educated, caring and just really really good at what she does.

She was a great teacher to me last night. I felt like I came away with a better understanding of how to be a victim's advocate.

I got the page after I'd already been asleep for a couple of hours, so I scrambled to throw some clothes on (thankfully we don't have to dress up to do a hospital visit), and got my ass over there.

On the way there, a million things went through my head. I didn't know who was there waiting for me or what the scenario was going to be.

All I could think was that something bad happened to someone and it was my job to try and make the situation as easy and comfortable as possible--if it was possible. I couldn't let my emotion cloud what I was there for.

It's just really hard to not think about my girls and how I would deal if they were hurt in such a heinous and disgusting way. Or about friends that have had to deal with sexual assault, rape, molestation...

As soon as I walked in though, it was gone. I felt ready to deal with whatever they threw at me.

And I did.

The only thing I didn't like was leaving. My job, at this point in my volunteering, is to be there for support, give resources and be done.

I'm anxious to "level up" and work more on the prosecution's end. As much as I enjoy helping people in the thick of it, I really want to help put the perpetrators behind bars.

I'm working on it.

Back to Normal

2008-08-14T09:23:00.000-05:00

We got home last night and now it's back to business as usual in the Bacon Family Household.

Had a great time despite the heat then the rain, then more heat and more rain.

We had to get the girls up SO early to get to the airport. I told them they could stay in their pajamas.

Mina thought it was cool we got to watch the sunrise.

Our layover in Atlanta (which the girls kept calling "Atlantis")

In Orlando we stayed at the timeshare where my Aunt and Uncle own a place. They told my Mom that we'd have a full kitchen and washer and dryer.

Uh...not so much.

But it was clean and fufilled our needs which was a place to sleep, shower and store our shit. Also, there was a washer and dryer in our building that we could use which was a good thing because I only brought enough clothes for half the week.

Our neighbors liked to stay up late and cook (burn) food at around 1am every night, so by the second day I stopped telling the girls to be quiet in the hallway in every morning.

Future neighbors be warned: If you're going to make all kinds racket until the wee hours, don't expect to sleep in.

Here's a shot Mina got at breakfast by the pool one of the mornings:

It was just Grandma, the girls and I until Wednesday when my brother got there and Thursday when Jim got there.

We spent Monday and Tuesday at Sea World (or "Water World", as the girls kept calling it. No Kevin Costner to be found anywhere.)

It was so bright, I managed to keep getting crooked shots (that's my excuse anyway). Oh, and it was already close to 90 freakin' degrees by 9 o'clock in the morning.

Meeting Elmo after the show:

Cool merry-go-round:

We fed dolphins:

Saw the manatees (real and bronze):

Played in Shamu's Happy Harbor:

Mina liked playing in the sand most of all. Audrey is a bit more adventurous and loved the roller coaster and other rides.

We didn't end up seeing the Shamu show. My Mom and I were hellbent on taking the girls to see it, but they didn't really give a shit either way. This was a good thing as we would have had to wait in line for about an hour in the searing sun.

We did however get a couple pictures out front on our way out to at least say they saw a fiberglass replica of the whale.

My brother arrived bearing gifts. He helped them make their own fairy getups:

And now...the Disney experience:

Breakfast with Pooh and Friends

I think he farted or something

They look so glum, and we had just gotten there (maybe because it was already 95 degrees?)

But they did cheer up

Whoooooo!

I think Audrey was trying to steal her jewelry

And this is what we had on our hands by the end of day two:

This is back at home. No Disney trip is complete without a lighter wallet. (Some of) the goods:

Cat's out of the bag!

2008-08-02T17:39:00.007-05:00

This in two parts because I had to stop to try and get them to sit still long enough to get them both in the shot.

It was worth a try anyway.

Now that it is half an hour later, I think it's finally beginning to sink in.

Oh, and the reason Audrey asks if she's coming too is because the last time we went, Audrey was way too young to appreciate the fun, so we only took Mina.

See ya' next week!

...Now what do you want to do?

2008-08-02T08:54:00.003-05:00

Whoo Hoo! We're leaving for Orlando tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn!

I can't believe I've kept this a secret from the girls this whole time. Some of you may not now, but I have a BIG mouth.

In the past I've let a few things slip without thinking. One time I broke the news of a friend's pregnancy to another friend who didn't know yet. I felt horrible.

I'm working on it. This whole ordeal was a test of my blabber mouth for sure.

I've got just about everything packed. I started loading up the suitcases in secret a few days ago.

The other day we were at the grocery store and I bought some of those cheapy rain ponchos. Mina was pretty curious as to why I would buy such a thing when she and her sister have perfectly good raincoats hanging in their closets.

"It might rain." is all I told her, and she was satisfied with the answer.

My Mom is headed down here this afternoon, and I think we're going to sit the girls down after dinner and tell them what's up.

I was going to wait until we woke them up tomorrow morning to tell them, but I really want them to find out at the same time.

Yeah, they probably won't sleep very well tonight, but I think telling them tonight will get their little booties moving a little faster tomorrow morning. Considering we have to leave the house by a quarter to 5am, this is a good thing.

I'm going to catch their reaction to the news on video.

It should be posted tonight.

An Open Letter to my vacuum

2008-08-01T17:14:00.000-05:00

Dearest Purple Dyson DC14,

I love you. You know that. We've made it through a lot, me and you.

Through it all, you've been there to pick up the pieces and the bits and dog hair.

Remember that one time I went to empty your canister and I ended up spilling a bunch of the debris you just vacuumed up? Did you say, "I told you so"? Did you rub it in my face that you tried to warn me I was pushing your fill capacity too far?

No.

You just laughed along with me and vacuumed it back up all over again. Good times...

Today though, I believe I may have pushed you past your limit.

I don't need to tell you how much mess two kids and two dogs make. You've been right there in the trenches with me.

Maybe I didn't notice the way you're always gently nudging me toward the couch cushions. Maybe not. Perhaps you wanted, like a good teacher, to let me figure it out all on my own.

And what a lesson it's been.

The horror of what I forced you to endure under those couch cushions (and then the chair cushions!) wasn't for the faint of heart.

I won't blame you if you don't speak to me for a little while. I know when to give a vacuum some space.

I'm leaving for a week soon, so it'll just be you my husband. Have you met him? No, I didn't think so. Perhaps some day you and he can make some sort of passing acquaintance.

He isn't on very good terms with the washer and dryer yet either, but I have hope he'll venture down to meet them someday as well.

But I digress.

Know that I feel terrible about our experience today and it's unlikely to happen again anytime soon. It truly hurt me more than it hurt you.

I expect some sort of class action suit from anyone who's ever sat on my living room furniture to start proceedings any day now. I'm guessing PTSD or mesothelioma.

You may never lose suction, but it is I who is doing all the sucking today.

Yours forever and always,

The Bacon Lady

She's already planning her escape

2008-07-20T09:07:00.003-05:00

Mina wrote this note to Jim and left it in the mailbox for him to find this moring (without any help from me):

Mom is Varry crase TOday
DaD WD You Help me
P.S. I luv you.

Still no word

2008-07-17T07:04:00.003-05:00

I haven't heard back about my "inquiry" about that long lost acquaintance yet.

I'm not stressing about it or anything. I'm just really curious to know if it's really him.

In the interest of full disclosure (because that's, as the kids say, how I roll), this person I am curious about was the first person I had sex with.

Eep.

I know. Am I weirdo? Don't answer that.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that even though it was a sad affair; the whole business of our coupling, it pretty much colored the rest of my carnal history.

I was 15 years old. FIFTEEN.

Granted he was only 16 at the time, but still. When I meet 15 year olds I question whether they are old enough and responsible enough to babysit my kids. I don't like to think that I was their very same age when I 'gave it up'.

And give it up I did.

No fanfare. No professions of undying love. No promises of commitment.

I just wanted to get it over with. And, looking back, that is really really sad.

I know it wasn't just me who wanted to unload the imagined burden of being a virgin. Talking with my friends, it's almost a running theme.

Occasionally I'll meet someone who tells a pseudo-romantic tale of a long-term boyfriend. There's prom or a parents' vacancy. There's trust and teenage love and they actually stay on speaking terms after the big event.

I didn't get any of that.

I wouldn't change much of my growing up years. I had a good time, and most of my experiences made me the person I am today.

But this. This I'd change.

It made me wary of boys and closeness in general. I think I'm allowed to make that assessment now that I am in my 30's.

It's entirely possible that I would have been this way anyway what with all of my natural born tendencies toward the crazypants, but losing my virginity in the way I did probably didn't help matters much.

(cue my paranoia that my Mother or anyone closer than a third cousin is reading this...)

In my perfect world I could sit down for a nice chat and dinner with all of my past conquests, a round table of sorts. Well, it'd have to be more oblong than round...or a banquet hall.

But I digress.

Part of me just wants to know if I was truly as wonky back then as I thought I was. Was it glaringly obvious that I had what bordered on a phobia of getting close to them?

I was a big fan of the 'preemptive strike' with most if not all of them. In my mind, they were going to dump me/cheat on me/talk shit to their friends about me anyway, so why not walk away before they had the chance?

Of course, a lot of them did do some or all of the above, but not all of them. I'm pretty sure I stomped a few hearts during my college tenure.

I think, if this person really is who I think it is (and the resemblance is uncanny from what I can remember from almost 20 years ago), and he really is dead, then I'll just have to make peace with the fact that I'll never know.

I don't think I'd really want to sit down and rehash the sordid details, but I just want to know what kind of person he turned out to be. And, naturally, I'm curious about how he died. I'm not trying to be disrespectful. Wouldn't you want to know?

From what I can tell from the posthumous myspace profile, he was an artist (not surprising) and deeply loved by his friends and family. I'm not being snarky when I say, "Good for him".

2008-07-14T14:23:00.003-05:00

I had to change to layout of this thing because it was bothering me that it was so damn ugly. The only thing that sucks is that all those Italy pics (and probably any others I put up) are cut off.

Oh well. I'm a very visual person, and the ugg factor was bothering me.

In other news....

Sometimes, as I think I've probably mentioned before, I like to scour the internets for old acquaintances. Sometimes I get a laugh, sometimes I get to reconnect with a long lost friend and sometimes, like today, I find out they're dead.

At least I think I have the right person (this time).

I thought I had found this particular person some time ago, but after a few emails back and forth, found out that my memory isn't as reliable as I thought it was.

But today I think I actually found the correct individual. And he's dead.

Someone, his wife (girlfriend?) has a posthumous Myspace profile set up for him. I sent her a message to see where this person went to high school. Haven't heard back yet. We'll see.

I don't know why I care. I suppose it has something to do with the fact that knowing someone my own age and who I had some fleeting "history" with is dead kind of bothers me.

I'll let you know how this turns out.

I'll go ahead and apologize first

2008-07-10T07:45:00.001-05:00

'Cause someone's bound to get offended. If you happen to be a friend of mine, and you fit or have ever fit the description below, don't think I don't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't hang out with you. And why do you care if I like you anyway?

There. I said it.

A couple of days ago Mina, as she does on an almost daily basis, asked me a hard-to-answer question completely out of left field.

Sometimes she wants to know what would happen if our house caught on fire.

"...but what if you and Daddy were asleep and couldn't save us?"

"...but what if you didn't wake up in time?"

"...but what if all my toys burned up? I like my toys!"

..."but I DON'T WANT NEW ONES!"

Neurosis is hereditary, and her future therapist(s) are going to hate me.

Her latest was, "Mama, what's a hippy?"

I try to keep it clean and, when necessary, clear cut and simple around the kidlets, so I told her it was someone who cared a lot about the Earth.

She thought about it for a moment.

"I care about the Earth! And Jesus."

Always with the Jesus, that one.

Then she wanted to know if Jesus was a hippy, and the more I thought about it the more I felt I could honestly answer in the affirmative.

"Mama, am I a hippy?"

I went through a more extensive checklist in my head:

-cares about the environment: check

-likes to run around naked: check

-doesn't brush hair: check

-listens to crappy music: not when I can help it

-smells like patchouli: negative

-feels superiority over everyone else: sometimes

-follows overrated bands around the country: not that I know of

-sleeps with everyone's boyfriend: presently, no

"No honey, you are not a hippy. And if I have anything to say about it, you won't ever be."

In no time at all, I'll be bitching about the snow

2008-07-08T12:39:00.003-05:00

All of a sudden, it feels like the summer is almost over.

Strange.

June was filled with Italy and recovery. July is filled with our 4th gathering, birthday parties every weekend (my friends and I apparently all decided to give birth in July), and catching up on bills from June. August is our family trip to Orlando, then it's school supplies and another start to the school year.

Tuition is due at the end of July for my fall class, and I start on the 19th of August. I'm beyond excited about it.

This school year is going to be super busy between my class, the girls' activities (Mina starts soccer soon), being the class rep. for Audrey's class and the room parent for Mina's, and all the other 4 million things that inevitably come up in day to day life.

Throw in the freelance hair I'm still doing on the side and upcoming (hopefully) house projects and I don't think I'm going to be sitting around anytime soon.

Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I get antsy when there is nothing on the agenda. I end up wearing my pajamas all day and forgetting to make lunch.

I don't know how to be lazy.

Scratch that. I'm actually quite accomplished at being lazy.

I just don't like it.

So, what are you doing for the rest of the summer?

Thistle

2008-07-06T10:24:00.000-05:00

As a parent, the things you will do for your children makes for a very long list.

It begins with the whole letting another human being take up residence is what was once a firm taut belly and ends somewhere around...well, it doesn't ever truly end.

I've wiped heinous poop explosions off of many surfaces (including the wall, my shirt and underneath my fingernails). I've caught puke in my bare hands. And I even had to put a fever-reducing suppository into my wee baby's butt.

But there is one thing I cannot bear (aside from watching Dora): loose teeth.

Mina is at an age where she is losing them faster than a meth addict on a bender.

The squick factor is high, not helped by the fact that she wants me to actually wiggle the hanging on by a thread fuckers myself.

Excuse me. I had to stop to retch for a moment.

The only saving grace of the whole experiment is that she looks even cuter with missing teeth. More like a goofy little imp than a hillbilly.

Her adult teeth are starting to come in around the remaining baby teeth and I can already tell that she is going to have my teeth.

Mine may look fine now, but as a kid I had truly awful teeth. The first time I got braces put on was in third grade if that tells you anything.

At least she doesn't have the horrid overbite I did. I'll go ahead and thank Jim's bucky-balancing genes for that.

Jim is out of town, so I need to figure out how to get something from the tooth fairy on the DL. Our tooth fairy has brought small gifts for each tooth so far. Might be time for her to start making with the cash money.

A few weeks ago, while visiting the inlaws for Father's Day, my father-in-law mentioned that they would be happy to help with the cost of braces for the girls when the time came.

Small miracles, people. Small miracles.

Vacation Review-Days Five and Six: ROME

2008-07-04T11:29:00.000-05:00

Rome was the highlight of my trip--of my life really. Gawd, that sounds so cliche, doesn't it?

I don't care.

Rome is a place like no other. Being there was about as close to a religious experience as I'll ever have.

The only thing that sucked was that I was alone. It wasn't just me being worn out or skittish about finding my way around (that was all put to rest once I arrived). I just really wanted someone to share this with.

Also, Rome at night is SO romantic (really all of Italy was, but especially Rome), and seeing all the happy couples strolling about made me miss my husbitch even more. I couldn't even call him because I would have been too stressed out the cost.

Anyway...

Almost half of the nearly 600 pictures I took were of Rome. I couldn't get enough of this place.

I arrived at Termini train station and followed the directions the hotel staff had given me via email before I left the states. The Metro in Rome is super easy, so that didn't hurt.

Before boarding, you have to buy your ticket and there are self-serve machines in the station. Luckily there is an option to do it in English, but once I did it the first time, I didn't need to push all those extra buttons as it was pretty clear cut.

So, you buy your ticket from one of those machines, slide it through the validation machine at the turnstile and you're on your way.

I'll stop here for a moment to discuss the ticket validation thing. Even on the bigger, intercity trains, you MUST validate your ticket before boarding. There are timestamp machines in front of every train, and if you forget, there is a hefty fine (something like 35 euro).

Suprisingly, I never forgot to validate my ticket.

So, I took the Metro the two stops from Termini towards Basttini, and got off at Barberinni. Still with me?

My hotel was located just a short half block walk from the station. And I was very thankful for that. My suitcase weighed A LOT by the time I got to Rome. Not only did I have what I brought with me originally, but also 4 bottles of wine from that vineyard. And there weren't always handydandy escalators everywhere I needed to go.

Several times a kind soul would help me up or down the stairs when they noticed I was ready to keel over from dragging my ginormous suitcase by myself. Would that happen in Chicago or New York? Maybe. But I was thankful that there always seemed to be someone around when I didn't think I was going to make it, and I know I uttered, "Grazie mille" or some version of that about a thousand times.

My hotel was swank! And I needed a cushy place to lay my head at this point.

Hot, stinky and tired, but SO happy to have super air conditioning:

I was there way before my room was ready, but the man who checked me in gave me a map (and a cell phone to use during my stay) and kindly ignored the fact that I was stinkin' up the place. It was only about 10 am, but it was already in the 90's outside.

I had purchased a ticket good for 48 hours for a hop on/hop off bus tour of Rome. It was a cool open air top, and they hit all the big spots. One of the stops was just up the street from my hotel (hooray!), so I hopped my ass on and I was on my way.

It was a nice way to get the lay of the land from up high, and get a sneak peek at what I would explore further later that day and the next.

Most of the cars on the road around us were Smart cars, Vespas, small motorcycles or other tour busses. And everyone drives like they own the damn road. Things like "right of way", merging, and even stop lights are merely suggestions here.

There were a few times I and the German tourists sitting behind me collectively cringed and gasped as we watched from above the imminent crushing of several mopeds and impossibly teeny cars weaving in and out of traffic.

It's like this: You know when you're driving 355 and there's construction (duh), and there are signs that the lanes are decreasing? Most people get over in plenty of time, but there's always that one asshole who waits until the very end to try and get to the front of the line, butting his/her way in like they are more important than everyone else?

That's how EVERYONE drives in Rome.

The ride on top of the bus in the sweltering heat made me feel like a piece of bacon in a frying pan. Oh, the irony. Good thing I had the forethought to slather on the sunscreen

I got some lopsided pics of some sights from the top of the bus (I won't torture you with those--the "good" ones are further down this post), but I did get some good shots of what I'm calling "Life in Rome". I was just so blown away that people work and live around such amazing historical architecture.

I rode the bus all the way around and got back off at the stop near my hotel. I needed a shower and some quality time with my map to plan the rest of my evening.

The hotel staff suggested I wait until the next morning to hit the Colosseum, et al because it would be less crowded and the sun not quite as searing.

Originally, I wasn't planning on going to Vatican. Not for the reason you might think. I just didn't think I would make it out there with all the other things I wanted to see. But it was evening and I hopped an easy Metro ride out there.

Since it was after 4pm, the museum was closed, but I did get to stroll around St. Peter's square. Holy (for reals) Shit! Amazing.

(a little crooked--oops)

I found this particular statue breathtaking:

This (admittedly badly-angled) shot is of the stone "plaque" the current pope had placed where the last pope's would-be assassin stood when he took the shot back in 1979(?).

The rest of this day and the next were a whirlwind of walking, sightseeing, eating, drinking, showering, and sleeping.

Trevi Fountain before sunset:

And after (the height of my lonely. *sniff*):

The Spanish Steps at night and views from and around there:

Pantheon. I had lunch in this square.

Friday night, I took a night tour called "Dark Rome". It was fun. Rome is even cooler at night.

One of our tour guides had her adorable dog with her.

This church used to bury to poor who couldn't afford a proper burial. The artwork on the outside of this building was right up my alley. Had I been able to stay one more day I could have gone inside and seen furniture and even chandelliers (sp?) made from bones!

They used to house the Pope here. It's in Castel di San Angelo. This was the last stop on the night tour.

After the night tour was over, and because I had already gotten lost twice that day, I was beat. It was getting late, so I walked down to St. Peter's to catch a cab. It was the only time I took one, and there were no problems (even though every guidebook I read said to be wary). Between my sad Italian and his broken English, I got back to my hotel for the price he quoted me before I got in.

I had to get up really early, so I had packed up almost everything before I left for the tour.

I was sad that my trip was over, but kind of giddy that I was going back to home to my own bed, my kids and my man.

I really did fit a lot in those two days.

I will go back. Only next time, I'll have someone along for the ride.

My flight home was LONG. Over 11 hours. One of the male flight attendants took a fancy to me. He kept winking at me, and when I went back to ask for a cup of coffee, he asked me if I needed anything else. I told him that if he was hiding a steak back there, I'd be happy to take it off his hands. He made a comment in Italian that I can only imagine meant something along the lines of, "Yeah, I got a steak right here for you baby." because the other flight attendants giggled.

Whatever. I got my cup of coffee and ego boost for the day. I was happy.

When we landed at OHare, I was more than ready to inject a cigarette directly into my veins. But I had to wait for my luggage and go through customs. As soon as that was over, I was good to go.

My Mom picked me up and I stopped at my parents' house to show them the pics before heading home.

Pulling into my driveway was heavenly.

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh America (especially my town) must look SO boring now." But you know? It doesn't.

I think I appreciate the comforts of home even more now. Going on this adventure was a blast. And I WILL go back. Hopefully I will get to visit other parts of Europe in the coming years. But home is home. And it's all the more sweet when you've been away for a while.

After my kids got back from Grandma's house, I spent the day smelling thier head while soaking up all the snuggles they would allow. I swear they got bigger while I was gone.

They had just as much fun as I did splitting the week between sets of grandparents, and came back with three times as many clothes as I sent them with.

August is our next trip, but this time it's a family affair. In about a month I will be at Sea World and Disney World.

And be posting a million more pictures.

Ciao for now!

Vacation Review-Day Four: FLORENCE

2008-07-03T11:45:00.004-05:00

Laura and I got up early on Wednesday to catch the train to Florence. We had alread booked our pensione on the cheap. 80 euro a night, and we didn't need to share a shower.

Our room was small, but clean and airconditioned.

The bathroom was a trip. I could have showered while on the toilet if I wanted to.

The two of us just strolled around, consulting a guide book I brought with me for a good place to eat.

It was sooo hot and we got tired of trying to read the map, so we settled on the first cute cafe that didn't look too expensive.
This is inside, but we sat outside so I could enjoy some more of those lax smoking area boundaries.

We both had the chicken salad and wine, and it was really good.

Florence was beautiful. Very crowded and a bit dirty, but still beautiful. There were a few side streets we walked down that made me feel a little on edge, but I don't think we were ever in any real kind of danger. I actually felt safer that night when we walked around.

This is just out and about, wandering. We hit Ponte Vecchio, the Duomo and the fake David. Had we another day, I would have insisted on seeing the real thing, but we didn't. And I don't really feel like I missed out. Next time though, I'll definitely go inside Uffzi Gallery.

Um....not sure where they were going with this one:

Italians like to take an evening stroll after a late dinner. There were tons of families out with thier children. And dogs. People take their dogs with them everywhere. I loved it, though it made me miss my children and dogs even more.

On the way to dinner we stopped at this place where you can buy a glass of wine and hang out in front.

Where I got the one and only picture of my cousin and I together (that's me on the right).

The woman who took this for us had her little fluff ball of a pup with her. When we told her how cute we thought he was, she told us that he was her baby. In broken English she explained, "Dog first. Husband second."

We had dinner at this place, and I had the best tiramasu I've ever tasted here as well.

Florence at night:

Shop window I thought was cool:

We got back to our hotel about 11:30 knowing we had to get up really early. Laura was headed home and I was on my way to Rome--alone. I was super excited, but a little anxious. It was probably because I was starting to get really run down, but I wasn't about to sleep away the experience of a lifetime.

Next stop: Rome!

Vacation Review-Day Three: SACILE

2008-07-02T07:18:00.002-05:00

My third day in Italy was spent taking a well-deserved break. Laura had the genuis forethought to build in a day to take it easy. Of course, had I wanted to get back out there, it was completely up to me, but I was kind of happy for the light day. It was fun to see the cute little town near her and nice to not be rushed by train schedules and exhausted by ridiculous amounts of walking.

We got up and had breakfast (capuchino and brioche) at a local cafe while we planned our trip to Florence the next day.

It was here that I encountered the "hole in the floor" toilet facilities.

Not a fan. I haven't peed like that since walking home drunk in college. Thank the babyjesus I didn't have to poop.

We walked around a farmer's market, and I got some olives and spices as well as a cheap sundress and an obnoxious ballerina/bellydancer costume for Audrey (sadly, they didn't have one in Mina's size).

We got our train tickets to Florence, and mine for Rome later in the week, and headed off to the miliary base, where Laura's husband works, to check email and get those tax free cigarettes I mentioned yesterday.

The view walking away from the downtown area.

Next we drove out to a local vineyard to taste and purchase yummy and CHEAP wines.

Baby grapes!

Inside:

I got three bottles of fantastic wine for 18 euro! I even got one free bottle, but I had to drink it before I left Italy as I was only allowed to take three home with me.

We went to lunch after the vineyard to a local place Laura and her husband like to go. We were not only the only Americans in the place, but the only women. The whole place was filled local blue collar-type workers, and every last one of them turned around to stare at us when we walked in.

Remember this is a tiny little "nowhere" town, not near the base. It's not a touristy area. I think the guys in there were just dumbfounded as to why we would choose to eat at this particular place.

I had the best lunch ever! Gnocchi with cream sauce, spinach and ham. Holy shit, was it good. I could eat that every day for the rest of my life...except that I would weigh 400 pounds in approximately two weeks.

A couple of guys sat down next to us. One of which Laura and I dubbed the 'working man's Fabio'. He kept trying to get us to drink some of his wine, but we politely refused. I'm pretty sure he bore a hole right through the top of my dress with his eyes, but whatever. He actually ended up buying our lunch! We didn't exchange but a few words of broken English (though my cousin is pretty fluent in Italian), and this guy bought our meal for us.

So, I got a free bottle of wine and a free lunch all in the span of 2 hours. Not bad.

My one regret is that I didn't get a picture of our benefactor. I'm still kicking myself over that.

We made it home and had a wonderful time just sitting on Laura's front porch talking and eating dinner.

A few shots of their home:

Their street:

and just a pretty flower that grows in front of their house:

After dinner, we went out for gelato. I had raspberry and dark chocolate. I can hardly look at this picture without wanting to lick the monitor. It was THAT good.

I will end this post with a lovely example of local flavor:

Tomorrow: Florence!

Vacation Review-Day Two: VENICE

2008-06-30T06:28:00.002-05:00

Venice. Loved it. It ranks a very close second to Rome for me.

When we got there, we were starving, so we got some pizza (and wine) for lunch. Now, sometimes when I get pizza at home, I ask for it without cheese. I get puzzled expressions, disgusted glances and the occasional death threat.

This place had "marinara" pizza right there on the menu. I was stoked, and it was DEE-licious. Plenty of garlic and basil on a cracker thin, crispy crust. The house wine wasn't too bad either.

There were pigeons EVERYWHERE. Not just in Venice, but here is where I saw people letting the nasty little flying rats perch on them for pictures. I don't mean to sound like a priss, but that's fucking nasty.

We had only taken the train in for the day, so we didn't hit any museums or indoor sites. Next time I go, I'd like at least a couple of days in Venice to be able to see more.

I love that the Venice itself is a work of art. I love the way the businesses fit themselves into the landscape as opposed to fitting the landscape to suit their needs. Also, to continue to inhabit a sinking piece of property takes balls...or maybe it's just the stubborn nature of its citizens.

The day after Venice, Laura (my cousin) and I decided to have a "lazy" day. We had breakfast, went to a farmer's market and I got to visit a military base where I got to send a quick email and buy some tax free cigarettes ($3.50 a pack! USD).

Next stop: Florence.

Vacation Review-Day One: MILAN

2008-06-29T14:35:00.001-05:00

`After a flight from Ohare to JFK, a 5 hour layover, and a plane that was 45 minutes late:

I finally made it to Malpensa Airport in Milan.

As soon as I got off my flight, I changed my dollars into euros and got a ticket for the shuttle bus into Milan's Stazione Centrale.

Everyone who told me that our dollar is weak wasn't joking. I was a little bummed at how little euro I got in the exchange rate.

The ride into the city reminded me a bit of the freeways in Chicago, except that every sign was in Italian. The bus had air conditioning which I would soon learn was a luxury in most of Italy.

I got off the bus at Stazione Centrale and found the baggage storage so I could explore the city for the day.

Walking out of the train station.

First, I found the Metro and took it to the Duomo.

Breathtaking.

A friend told me that when she went, she audibly gasped when she walked up out of the Metro, and I now understand why.

Because it is high season, there were so many people everywhere and so many people ready to take your money.

The birdseed sellers pissed me off. I was so hot and tired, I really didn't feel like being harassed in and around my personal space.

It was Sunday, so there was a service going on. I felt kind of disrespectful taking pictures while people were getting their jesus on even though no one else seemed to have a problem with it.

The floor was cool too.

I asked around for Jesus' email address, but no one wanted to give it to me.

After checking out the inside, I walked around the corner to get a view from the roof. Everywhere I turned, there was another picture to take.

Gargoyles!

It was SO hot, but I didn't care. This was so amazing to see up close.

I was wandering around, checking out the shops at the "mall"...

when I heard a screeching sound and saw a large flaming gay man approaching me with his arms out.

How did I know he was gay? Well, he mentioned it in the first 5 seconds of our conversation. That and he was also from Barcelona and a hermaphrodite who was taking hormones, and would be getting surgery to complete his "womanhood" in two years.

First.Five.Seconds.

He wanted to see my tattoos. He asked me if I was from Australia. He wanted to know if he freaked me out. He wanted to read my palm.

He talked so fast and so loud, I was having trouble understanding what the hell was going on.

He wanted to walk around the corner to tell me my fortune, and before I knew it we were sitting on a bench in the hot sun and he was giving me a "special deal" for the reading.

Uh huh.

I was too weak from hunger, sweat and being in a completely foreign country to walk away from what was surely a con.

I kept a close hold on my bag and figured that even though he was full of shit, at least it was going to make for good blog fodder.

After spewing (literally. He spit a look when he spoke) a bunch of vague visions, he took me by the hand and wanted to show me the "gay park". At that point, I knew better than to go anywhere with him and told him I was going to go have lunch now--alone.

I had a salad and fruit at a self serve lunch place, then some gelato (strawberry).

I was starting to really feel the jet lag, and it was almost time for my train so I made my way back to the train station and found a place to sit down and drink a beer and smoke a cigarette in peace.

Let me just say this: While you cannot smoke indoors in Italy, you can pretty much smoke anywhere else, and most everywhere has an outdoor seating area. No one gives you dirty looks either like they seem to here in the states. It was kind of nice except that I smoked way too much while I was over there.

Milan was cool; maybe a little too fast-paced for me. Everyone was in a hurry, and it was Sunday. I can't imagine what it's like there on a work day.

I found my train and tried my hardest not to fall asleep (per my cousin's advice) so that I could sleep a full night when I got to their house.

It took a while to make it to them, and I had to change trains. It was all pretty clear cut and, even though everything was in Italian, I'd been in enough train stations to figure out where I needed to be.

I didn't get to my cousin and her husband until 10pm, but she only lives about 10 minutes from the train station.

I'm sure I looked (and smelled) like the train had dragged me there. I got a quick shower and went straight to bed where I slept like I've never slept before.

I basically woke up in the same positon I had passed out in 12 hours earlier, and this is the view out of her guest bedroom:

After that, I was good to go. Once I had a solid sleep behind me, the time difference (they are seven hours ahead) didn't really bother me.

We decided to go to Venice for the day, but those pictures will be in the next post.

I'm Home!

2008-06-28T20:25:00.003-05:00

And more tired than I ever thought possible. I probably should have spent the night at my parent's house in the suburbs, but I really wanted to get home to my own bed.

I haven't watched (American) television in a week. What did I miss?

The flight home today was almost eleven hours. By the time I got off the plane and through customs I was ready to chew up a cigarette whole.

I'm better now.

I have 4 million pictures and lots of fun stories to tell...after a hot bath and a short coma.

ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

And.....GO!

2008-06-20T11:49:00.005-05:00

I'm leaving for my parents' house in a minute, and will fly out early tomorrow morning.

I feel kinda' icky. It's the nerves. I wish I could just relax and go with the flow, but my body refuses to calm the fuck down. I couldn't sleep the other night, but made up for it last night by crashing at 9pm.

I'm going to try and find a computer while I'm over there, mostly to keep in touch with Jim. Don't know yet if I'll be able to call home.

I downloaded a few podcasts and new music to listen to on the plane.

I'm packed, and I really hope I don't forget anything important.

See ya' later!

Karma

2008-06-18T16:41:00.006-05:00

I was stopped at a red light today.

I was second in line.

The cross street we were waiting at is a one way.

I noticed a woman off to the right, half on her street/half turned onto our street.

Our light turned green.

She tried to beat us to through the intersection, ended up swinging way wide and cutting off the driver in front of me.

The person in front of me tapped his horn to acknowledge her shitty driving.

Crazy lady driver gave him the finger...

before she realized it was a cop.

Back in business

2008-06-17T21:25:00.005-05:00

I got my laptop back today! Hooray!

It almost seems brand new too. New battery, new keyboard, soldered power plug (the old one wouldn't stay in place) and best of all, what amounted to approximately a half loaf of bread crumbs removed from the interior.

All's well, and now I can post entries on here whenever I want to.

This isn't necessarily a good thing. I might start talking about lunch again.

I'm debating whether or not to bring the laptop to Italy with me. Probably won't. If I need to dump pictures, I'll just find an internet point. Yes, that's what they call them over there. I'm so European already, see?

Apparently my in laws want to bring the girls back the day I get home. It wouldn't be such a big deal if I wasn't driving straight home from O'Hare (two hours at least) after a 14+ hour plane ride home.

I assume I'll miss them and everything, but I kind of wanted a few hours to sit on my couch alone and cry that my trip is over. Jim will gone that weekend, so I won't have him here to buffer the full force of my darling heathens after a week spent split between both sets of grandparents.

It's OK. I'll live. What am I even complaining about? I get to do something every stay at home parent dreams about doing. Leaving home ALONE for a week.

I'll shut up about that now, and share some funny shit that's happened 'round here lately.

Almost every time my kids go up to see my parents, they go to the mall and buy something from the Disney store...because my kids need more stuffed animals and/or princess shit. Right.

Apparently the one they go to is going out of business. This upsets Mina very much.

"Maybe we should go visit Grandma more so the store won't close."

That one's got an eye for business, eh?

Audrey has recently joined her sister in her obsessive safety scissor fetish.

Audrey cut a hole in her dress yesterday because she, "forgotted that it wasn't paper". Uh huh. She also cut a hole in underwear today.

Maybe she was hot?

Mina keeps telling anyone within earshot that I won a trip to France. I've stopped correcting her.

A few nights ago, at bedtime, I laid down next to Audrey to tuck her in etc. and she snuggled up to me all sweetly and asked, "So how was your day, Mama?"

Yeah, I'm going to miss them next week for certain.

She acts all tough but...

2008-06-14T08:40:00.004-05:00

Exactly one week from today I will be sitting at O'Hare waiting on the first leg of my fabulous Italian getaway.

Why am I so freaked out?

I took the girls to the library yesterday and picked up a bunch of travel books to try and do some research into public transport and hotels.

When I get to Malpensa Airport in Milan, I need to find my way to Stazione Centrale and find a place to stash my luggage while I see the sights for the day. Then I need to get back to the station and catch a train to Venice where my cousin is meeting up with me.

I tried to make reservations to see The Last Supper, but there aren't any slots left for the day I'll be in Milan. I did find a few guided tours that say they stop there, so I guess I'm going to try that out.

I will have a cell phone my cousin sent me that will work over there, so I won't be completely on my own, but...

I'm kind of lost as far as finding my way.

A book can only tell you so much. I know how to read a map, but how will I know one piazza from another?

After a few days with my cousin in Venice and maybe Florence/Tuscany, I will on my own once again in Rome.

I'm thinking of doing budget hotels while I have a travel companion, and maybe splurging in Rome. Then I feel guilty for spending so much money on myself.

I need to be talked off the ledge.

Who's been to Italy and can give me some real life advice?

Is there anything better than funnel cake?

2008-06-13T07:40:00.002-05:00

I think not.

Last night we went to a little carnival at one of the local churches.

Those Catholics know how to rake it in, let me tell ya'.

It was "wristband night" which meant you could pay $14 dollars a person and ride all the rides you wanted to. Sounds good in theory except that there were four of us and, regardless of age, it was still $14 dollars a person. We decided that we would only get the girls wristbands and hope they were up for riding without us.

And they were.

They had such a great time that we were practically dragging them out at close to 9 o'clock.

There was a beer tent too, but we didn't make it over there. I was just tickled that a church function had alcohol. This would never have gone over at the churches I grew up in.

Aside from the guilt, the priest scandals, not letting woman get ordained, the endless 'rules', and the ridiculously long wedding ceremonies, those Catholics really know how to party.

I don't normally care if people stare at us when we're out. I don't think tattooed people are quite the novelty they once were. Hell, everyone seems to have at least one these days.

But, and maybe I'm projecting here, it seemed like the looks went like this:

"Oh my, that couple has a lot of tattoos!"

"But look they have two sweet little girls that they are actually looking after."

"They act just like normal people."

"Aw...those freaks are just like us."

I try to never think that people would treat us any differently because of how we look, but we did put ourselves smack in the middle of a church function.

Nevertheless, I was pleasantly surprised.

Or maybe they thought we were there with the carnies.

Stuff and Things

2008-06-07T08:46:00.006-05:00

Is anyone still checking in on me?

I'm lame and have slacked once again. Part of it is that my laptop is still dead (but I'm very lucky to have a friend who knows his shit about computers, and is graciously working on it for me--Thanks Rick!).

I had to miss Katie Schwartz's reading at the Pilcrow Lit. Festival because Mina had an end of the year picnic with her class, and I would have never heard the end of it if I had been the only parent who wasn't there. Sorry Katie. I had every intention of going until that came up.

School's out now, so it's been a nonstop circus of excitement 'round this parts. It's nice to not have to get up at any certain time and be able to enjoy the warm weather and the kick ass thunderstorms we've been having.

We planted all kinds of flowers and some vegetables too.

I finished my volunteer training and have the pager this weekend. I haven't gotten any calls yet, and that's a good thing.

A little while back I was having fun making fun little cards, and finally made so many that I put a few up on etsy to see what would happen. I sold one so far, and that pretty much made my year. Even if I don't sell anymore, at least I can say someone out there liked my stuff so much they were willing to pay actual money for it.

Here's a link if you want to see: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5923697

I leave for Italy two weeks from today, and I am nowhere near ready. I'm not even sure what clothes to bring. I've had a couple people tell me to bring something to cover my shoulders if I want to tour any cathedrals. My cousin said not to bring any shorts (I don't own any anyway), but that capris and sundresses were OK.

I have a 5 hour layover at JFK, and my brother is going to come out from his house in the Bronx to have dinner with me. It'll be nice to see him as I only get to visit with him about once or twice a year.

I fly into Milan where I'll spend the day wandering by myself, then I'm going to take a train over to Venice to meet up with my cousin. From there I think we'll make our way down to see this and that until we make it to Rome by the last day, where I'll fly out.

I'm excited. I don't think it will really hit me until I am on the plane.

Oh, and I'm going back to school in the fall. I signed up for one class at the local Community College (Intro. to Criminal Justice). I met with one of their academic advisors who went over my old ISU transcripts and plugged in the 90 credits to see what I had left for an Associates.

It looks like I only have a handful of classes to finish my two year degree. Then it's back to ISU for a Psychology major and Criminal Justice minor.

Most of my gen. ed. stuff has already been covered, but times have changed since I was in college last and I'm sure I'll need a few computer classes to catch up with the rest of the world.

I'm really excited about this new career path. I've done some research and found that there are professional vicitims' advocacy jobs out there. I'm just going to get those pieces of paper and go from there.

During training to be a rape crisis volunteer, we got to speak with two Assistant State's Attorneys and they were amazing (and really cool to boot. I would so go out drinking with those women). No, I do not want to go to law school, but helping to put sex offenders, child molesters and wife beaters behind bars very much appeals to me.

So....

Yeah. I've had a lot going on.

Forgive me?

It's Official

2008-05-11T08:24:00.005-05:00

Not having my own computer sucks a whole lotta' booty.

I'm going to have a friend of mine take a look at it, but he just got back from a long vacation so I don't want to thrust it at him 5 seconds after he gets home (I save that sentiment for my husband, thankyouverymuch).

I will say that I have been getting a lot more done around the house during the day without the distraction of the internet. Maybe this laptop death was a good thing.

Yesterday I started training to be a rape crisis volunteer. It was an all day training session, and I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach by the time 4:30 rolled around. I'm not complaining. I kind of expected to feel emotionally exhausted by this venture.

I'm glad I finally got signed up to do this. It's something I thought about back when I was in college, but somehow never found the time to get it done. It's kind of sad that I didn't think I could fit it into my schedule then, but somehow have found the time now that I have a real adult life thing going on.

In a way, I am glad that I didn't volunteer back then. I think I was way too self-centered and lost to be of any help to anyone. Now that I have a few (OK, more than a few) years on me, I am more equipped to handle what I am about to do.

We live in a world where some men still feel it alright to use their inherent social stature over women for carnal gain. Where "no" can mean "maybe" or, sadly, "yes".

We live in a world where children, the elderly and the disabled are preyed upon as "easy targets" of sexual assault and rape.

We live in a world where young women are told that their worth is calculated in direct correlation to how men rate her desirability.

What does this say about us?

I know I can't save the world. Unfortunately, along with those "years of experience" I've racked up, I seem to have lost the genuine idealism I had as a young adult. However, I can do my part.

And it feels really good.

Definitely My Child

2008-05-05T09:27:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I took the girls out on some errands and they each ended up getting one of those beanie baby things. Mina choose a baby Panda Bear. She's had it on her since then, and this morning insisted that she "dressed up like a Panda Bear for school".

We picked her out a black and white outfit and I put her hair up in bunlike ponytails on either side of her head for "ears".

Later, we had this conversation:

Mina: Mama, I want to be a Panda Bear when I grow up. I want our whole family to be Panda Bears.

Me: Um...OK. I guess we'll have to learn to like bamboo.

Mina: Yeah, we can get a bunch of bamboo and make it into bacon.

Sad sad day

2008-05-01T08:38:00.002-05:00

My laptop took a big steaming dump on me. I am now using my husband's when he brings it home from work and I can pry it out of his deathgrip.

I am heartbroken.

Please send any condolences (or cash towards the purchase of a new laptop) to:

betterlivingthroughbacon@gmail.com

Thank you.

Oh oh oh oh oh....oh oh oh oh

2008-04-26T08:15:00.003-05:00

Oprah had the Jonas Brothers on her show the other day. Apparently they are quite popular with the teenyboppers.

I was curious, so I dug in and checked it out.

Much like the Hanson brothers of a few years back, they are a group of three sibs making the youngin' set squeal with pre-pubescent delight.

Also like the Hansons is the fact that the oldest one is the ugliest, the middle one is hot, and the youngest one is...the youngest one and only 15, so I'm not going to go there.

They had their parents on to discuss how they keep the boys "so grounded".

The answer was soooo predictable: Their faith.

Commence eyerolling.

The boys are 15, 18, and 20. Granted their main demographic shouldn't even be thinking about what's going on in their tingly bits, don't tell me there aren't a league of older sister types (and maybe a few pervy Moms) who would be more than willing to help the boys "relax after the show".

When I was in high school, there were these two senior girls who were obsessed with New Kids on the Block. The funniest part was that they were goth chicks. They went so far as to follow the boys on a summer tour one year. I heard they staked out a Boston hotel for hours, but didn't get an invite up. They blamed it on tight security. I just think it was because they were ugly.

My point is, there are plenty of older, of legal age women willing to be groupies for boy band members.

It's nice that Mr. and Mrs. Jonas (and what a lovely biblical last name they have. It was probably changed from Jonaskovitch or something) can sit on Oprah's stage and spout about how "faithful" their boys are, but who are they trying to kid?

"Oh no no random co-ed I'll never see again, please don't put my penis in your mouth. I know I am exploding with hormones, but Jesus would be very disappointed with me."

Call me cynical, but I ain't buyin' it.

For Katie

2008-04-19T07:18:00.004-05:00

A few months ago I was driving down the road, minding my own business when what should appear before me but a license plate I HAD TO get a picture of for a very special girl.

I tailed him for a good mile while I fished my camera out of my purse. I must have gotten a bit too close for his comfort while getting the shot because he hopped over to the right lane and slowed down enough to give me the finger, then sped off.

It's for love, people. For love.

Why everyone should have kids if just for their comedic value.

2008-04-17T12:39:00.002-05:00

Bathroom conversation with my 3 1/2 year old...

Audrey: Mama, I'm going poopy.

Me: That's great honey.

Audrey: My tummy hurted, but now it won't hurt because I'm going poopy.

Me: Yeah. It usually works that way.

Audrey: My butt is magical.

While I was out

2008-04-10T17:06:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago, we had an "incident".

To back up a little, Mina has a classmate that, from the time he joined their class late in the year, took a liking to her.

At first, she came home and told me that he always insisted on sitting next to her at lunch. They aren't allowed to tell anyone that they can't sit with them at her school (a good rule, in my opinion), so I told her to try and sit between her friends if she didn't want to sit next to him.

Next she came home and told me that he put his arm around her and called her "his woman". Yes, this is a kindergartener we're talking about. She said it bugged her, but she would tell him to leave her alone.

A few weeks later, he smacked her butt. Again, she assured me that she would tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to leave her alone.

I asked her if she told a teacher or if a teacher saw this happen, and she said no to both.

I also asked her if she wanted me to talk to her teacher. She said she would handle it.

If you don't know Mina, let me assure you that she is no wall flower. The girl knows how to speak her mind. I trusted her when she told me that I didn't need to step in.

Then, a few weeks ago Mina and I were driving to a dinner out. She had earned a free pizza through the Book-It program, and I thought it would be nice if I took just her to celebrate her accomplishment.

On the way there, we were just chatting about nothing when she said, "Mama, during resting time at school, Eric hit me in the (private) parts."

All at once, I felt my face go hot and my heart sink into my stomach. A million things raced through my mind and I had to concentrate on driving like I've never had to before.

I again asked her if she told the teacher, and again she didn't say anything.

Then she said, "Don't worry Mama. He's my problem."

And that's when I felt like throwing up in my lap.

I turned around and told her that I was now his problem.

I wanted to storm the castle the next morning, but instead wrote an email to her teacher and principal. They got back to me almost immediately. I knew they would. I also knew that if I went there in person to discuss it I would have gotten overly emotional and that wasn't going to solve anything.

I won't go into the whole spiel of how they handled it, but they handled it to my approval. I was pretty impressed with how quickly they took care of the matter. They took my concerns very very seriously and it was dealt with immediately.

Since then I've come to find out that Eric has a less-than-favorable home life. Really, I already knew that from his behavior. It doesn't take a psychologist to figure that one out.

Yesterday when I walked Mina into school, Eric was already lined up. He started talking to me about how tomorrow was his last day. He was going to "bring in cupcakes and suckers and balloons and candy" for everyone.

I asked him if he was moving away and he told me that he was going to live in Chicago with his grandparents.

I didn't ask him why, but he was more than willing to share the reason: "Carol yells at me too much."

He told me Carol was his foster mom.

His foster mom yells at him too much, so now he is being uprooted to a whole other life to live with grandparents who, for whatever reason, didn't have him living with them in the first place.

I was never angry with Eric for what he did. I knew in my heart that he was only acting out. I hate that my kid was the target of his misguided affection. I hate that this kid may fall between the cracks in the Chicago Public School system, may grow up angry and lonely from being shuffled around in his formative years.

I don't know most of this kid's story, and I kind of wish I did. I feel for the little guy.

Never would I put anyone before my own children, but I still feel like he deserves what every kid deserves: a loving home to live in and people who care about him.

As for Mina, she seems just fine. Every once in a while Jim or I will ask her if anyone "bothered" her at school today. Aside from the usual mean older kids on the playground saying stupid shit to the little kids, she's fine.

Eric brought in cookies and juice today. Eric told Mina that that's all Carol would let him bring.

Not that that's nothing, but I could see how excited he was to tell me about his big plans for today. I know. I'm being melodramatic. I've become quite a softy in my old age.

Bottom line is, someone failed him. I hope his grandparents can pick up the slack.

Lo-tech Lunch

2008-04-08T12:36:00.004-05:00

I forgot how much I liked soup until I had a bowl of Campbell's Tomato Bisque for lunch today.

What made it even better were the 4,000 Parmesan flavored Goldfish crackers I piled on top of it.

Mmm Mmm...good, indeed.

I'm a touch nervous about all those crackers expanding in my belly.

Oh well. Live and learn.

Spring Break: Not what it used to be

2008-03-27T17:41:00.005-05:00

I'm this close to building a cagefighting ring in the backyard and selling tickets.

I may need more medication come Summer vacation.

Happy Easter!

2008-03-23T06:36:00.001-05:00

Hey Kids!

2008-03-22T07:31:00.005-05:00

We're going to the DMV today!

Isn't this what you wanted to do over your Spring Break? I know I did! I can't wait!

In January, my license expired and I had to renew it. No big deal. I found my way over there on a morning I didn't have any kidlets with me so I could wait in line without having to explain away the weirdos and miscreants who always seem to be there when I am.

The guy at the counter tippity typed up my name into the computer, then told me that there was a problem with my social security number.

Being the paranoid kook I am, I immediately assumed someone had stolen my ID and used it for some kind of illegal activity.

I asked the guy what was up, and he asked me if my name had changed.

Uh...yeah. Almost ten years ago.

So, even though I have renewed or replaced my license at least three times since I received it eighteen years ago, I now needed to get a new social security card to prove I am who I say I am.

Two trips, two weeks and an excavation into the basement "files" and I now have a new social security card with my "real" name on it.

Oh, and when I went in to apply for a new card, I couldn't use my driver's license for identification because it was expired.

I felt like at some point, I was going to cease existing.

The best part is that during all this running around, my plate sticker had expired by about a week.

I was driving around with an expired DL, an expired plate sticker and an invalid social security card.

Jim said that if I got pulled over, not only would they haul me off to jail, it would probably be Guantanamo Bay.

(I thought it would be funny to insert a funny little quip here about how I am "such a terrorist", but then decided that putting all the key words in this post together into a Google search would probably garner me a friendly visit from the FBI...oops, there I go with some more key words).

Luckily, I have a valid passport.

So, it's off to the DMV today, kids in tow.

Light a candle, say a prayer, or just send me some good mojo that the smelly, itchy-looking people aren't in line in back of me. I can only hold off the kiddy-stares for so long.

Could someone clone me?

2008-03-15T10:41:00.004-05:00

Today is insane.

Audrey has a birthday party from 12:30 to 3. Mina has a birthday party from 2 to 4:30. Oh, and we have a preschool event from 4 to 7:30 tonight.

I'm going to be going all day.

It was bound to happen. My girls are only 3 years apart, so the time finally came when they both started having mini-social lives.

I think I'm going to go stock up on wrapping paper and ribbon now for the onslaught of gift buying I'll need to do for the next 15 years.

The birthday party Mina is going to is Bratz-themed. Now, we don't do Bratz at our house. Mina knows that. In fact, she was nervous to even show me the invitation which I thought was really cute. She's such a rule follower.

I took the opportunity to show her that while we don't like something, we're not going to judge someone else for liking it (within reason, of course). I made sure to remind her not to start spouting our disdain for those slutty little dolls while at the party.

The invitation stated that they were going to do mini-makeovers. I'm a little nervous what that means but, having chatted with the birthday girl's Mom more than a few times, I'm fairly certain my daughter won't come home looking like a prostitute.

(If she does though, I promise to get photographic proof for future blackmail ammunition).

Wish me luck. It's going to be one hell of a day.

I will never...

2008-03-13T11:29:00.003-05:00

...get my taxes done by a firm that advertises with some dude dressed up as the Statue of Liberty, waving on the side of the road.

...wear sweatpants with writing on the butt.

...drive a minivan.

...hear Huey Lewis and the News' "I Want a New Drug" and not want to sing along.

Commence Operation Head Explosion: Top Secret

2008-03-12T06:52:00.003-05:00

This August I plan on pulling ahead in delegates for the position of Mom of the Year.

My Mom called me the other day to ask me if we'd like to use my Aunt's extra week at her timeshare condo in Orlando.

I hemmed and hawed about it (per usual).

The money, Jim getting someone to cover the store, boarding the dogs...

Then I realized that we'd be stupid not to do it.

We're getting the timeshare for $150 for the whole week. From what my Mom told me, it's a really nice "resort" type place.

But that's not the best part.

All we're going to tell the girls is that we are "going on vacation with Grandma", just as we have done in years past. They'll be so distracted by all the pools and playing, they won't expect what's coming next.

For the first part of the week, it'll be just the girls, my Mom and I. And for the first couple of days, it'll be just hanging out swimming.

Then we're going to spring the "We're going to Sea World!" spiel on 'em. I looked at the website, and I'm certain they're not going to want to leave that place.

A few days into the trip, Jim is going to show up and surprise the girls.

And it gets better...

Two (or maybe three) days at Disney World!

We took Mina a couple years ago, and she hasn't stopped talking about it since. Audrey was too little to really get anything out it at the time, but she has slowly realized what she missed out on.

The best part of the whole trip is that the girls will have no idea what's going on until we are en route to it.

I've always been such a cynical bitch about certain things, but there is nothing like showing your kid the Mecca that is Disney World for the first time

It's going to be hard to keep this under wraps until August, but it will be SO worth it when I see their faces.

I've been watching way too much reality television

2008-03-05T21:29:00.004-06:00

Suggested titles for forthcoming Pussycat Doll songs:

Look at My Snatch!
Who Wants a Ham Sandwich?
Attention Whores Need Love Too
Best Cocksucker in da House (dance remix)
Doncha' Wish Your Drag Queen Was Hot Like Me?
(Oops) I Forgot my Panties
One Pretty Decent Singer and Some Filler
Hot Nubs

Mmm Mmm Good

2008-03-03T12:18:00.004-06:00

I am cooking homemade chicken and noodles. Right now the whole cut up chicken is simmering in water with a variety of seasonings, garlic, onions and carrots.

It smells so good in my house at the moment, I wish I could transfer the aroma through my computer to yours.

Amtrak: Portal to the Underworld

2008-03-01T17:54:00.003-06:00

I took a train ride up to Chicago yesterday. The last time I took the train up, it was quite pleasant. Sure the train ran a little late, but 45 minutes wasn't really any bother. Yesterday's train however, ran much much later than that.

I was supposed to be on my merry way at 11:43 in the AM. We didn't push off from the station until close to 3. Once we got moving, things seemed to be fine. Sure, I was three hours later than I had planned but I spoke to my friend up north and we made arrangements for me to get out to her place by Metra. No big.

About an hour into the ride, we stopped. And stay stopped for what felt like an eternity. The natives began their slow descent into insanity.

There were a handful of hairdressers on board who were headed to a big beauty show at McCormick Place. Having been in the business I knew things were going to get rowdy in a hurry.

Next to them was a group of older women celebrating one of their birthdays. They too partook of the 4 dollar cans of Bud in the dining car.

One of the birthday party girls sounded like Britney Spears on a bender. You know how people sound when they make fun of a southern accent? Multiply that by 100 and you'd come close to how cranked up this woman sounded.

Then there was the woman who freaked out on a dude while the both of them stood right next to my seat. It seems that the man (who later revealed he was 48 years old) had made a suggestive remark to one of the woman's preteen daughters.

"If you even look at my daughter I'll cut you up, motherfucker" is one of the more delightful zingers she screamed at him not two feet from my head.

The dude most definitely deserved it. I just wasn't in the mood to be party to any bloodshed at the moment.

Later that same man was "detained" on the lower level for smoking in between cars (during one of our many standstills of the trip) and getting belligerent with a conductor. He was really drunk, and this did not help his case. Nor did him shouting, "I am not some ni***r! Don't treat me like some ni***r!". EEP.

At some point the birthday girls and the hairdressers started calling the Amtrak 800 number to complain about the delay. Nothing is more entertaining than listening to a bunch of drunk yahoos trying to sound sufficiently angry without slurring on the line with some operator who couldn't possibly care less that there was a bunch of drunkards stuck on the track in bumfuck Illinois.

One passenger lamented that she really needed to smoke. I mentally agreed with the sentiment. Redneck Birthday Girl, ever the patron saint of drunkards, had a mini lecture session.

"You shouldn't smoke! You're so young! It makes you stink! It's so EXPENSIVE!"

And the best line of the entire night:

"Think about how much more you could drink with all that money!"

Once we finally started moving the mood lightened a little.

I decided that since I wouldn't have time to get ready before the show, I would pull a cheap hooker move and put my makeup on in the train bathroom. Sometimes I astound myself with the magnitude of my class. Yeah...

After that I decided to go full force and change my clothes, but was then informed no one was allowed downstairs to the bathrooms because of the aforementioned drunk, loud guy being "detained".

I shared my quandry with the hairdressers and they kindly offered to hold up their coats so I could change right there in a seat. Again with the class.

We finally got to Union Station around 7:15. Only about FIVE hours late.

I was just glad it was over.

After some phone tag and some well deserved smoke breaks, I was on my way to meet up at the show.

I ended up having a fantastic time with some wonderful friends.

I'll probably take the train again. I'm a sucker for punishment and really...what else do I have to blog about?

After this, I promise to stop talking about it

2008-02-14T12:10:00.001-06:00

Guess who's never ever going back to Awanas?

She had fun. I knew she would. That's how "they" get you. She even came home with candy. Fun Dip to be exact (Lik-em-Aid for all you oldsters like me).

After she brushed her teeth and got into her pajamas, I laid down next to her to talk about how it went.

Right away she tells me that "if you're good, you get to spend forever with your family up in heaven. If you're bad you go down to the hot lava".

Those fuckers got that into my kid's head in two short hours.

Then she said "And you put it in your mouth and then it's in you."

(I about had a heart attack. "WHAT is in you, Mina?!")

"Like Jesus is in you and sticks to your heart"

(Again with the palpatations.)

"Like the candy they gave us."

(Coronary over, but blood pressure still high)

I didn't go into this blind. Having grown up with Fundie parents, I knew what we were getting ourselves into letting her go to this. I just didn't think they'd pull out the "big guns" the very first night!

So, I started gently with the fact that Mommy and Daddy don't necessarily agree with what those people said. Sometimes people believe different things and that's alright.

I asked her if she thought there really was a pit of hot lava waiting for the "bad people", and she thought about it for a second before deciding that both we and "they" were right.

In her six year old mind, this is a distinct possibility. I tried to tell her that what she chose to believe is up to her, but that Mommy and Daddy don't choose to believe what "they" said.

I told her that people can be good and nice and do good things for others and not go to church--that sometimes people are nice just for the sake of being nice and not to avoid this bubbling pit of iniquity.

I told her that it makes some people feel better in their hearts to believe in heaven and hell, and that's alright but Mommy and Daddy don't.

She looked like she was really thinking about it, but she was pretty tired, so who knows.

I'm going to go ahead and assume that Bethany's Mom will now invite Jim and I to go to church. That's how this works. Get the kid all fired up, then go after the parents. I may be willing to let Mina explore other avenues, but honey I've done my time and that book has been closed and put away on my end.

I actually do hope that we get invited so I can be honest with Bethany's Mom. She seems to genuinely like me. We get along and have had a few laughs together over this and that. I hope that when the proverbial ball drops, I will have somehow shattered her (assumed) preconception of Atheists.

Or maybe she will shun my ass.

She'd better invest in some kneepads for all the praying she will be doing for my everlasting soul.

Awanas Update

2008-02-13T17:14:00.003-06:00

First, thanks to those that responded in the other post. All valid points and much appreciated.

Second, we decided to let her go. Once.

I had to call Bethany's Mom to see what she could bring to the class Valentine's Day party this week, and she brought up how much Bethany is "dying to bring Mina to Awanas".

It's tonight and meets from 6:15 until 8:15. Mina is usually dead asleep by 8:15 every night, so I made sure to make it very clear that this wasn't going to be a regular thing, but "we'd love to have Bethany over for a playdate anytime".

Turns out tonight is "Bring a Friend" night down at Awanas HQ. Hmmm....

I really didn't want to let her go because I was trying to avoid the "Mommy and Daddy are godless heathens" discussion for a later date. Now, I am letting her go so we can have that discussion.

I've even got a nice analogy all planned out.

Dearest Mina,

You know how when we go to ice cream store and you always get vanilla, but Audrey always gets chocolate? It's a choice you make for yourselves.

Audrey wouldn't try to cram a big bowlful of chocolate ice cream down your gullet day after day until you decide you suddenly love it.

In turn, you aren't going to ring her doorbell in the middle of the day when she's trying to take a nap and try to force her to eat vanilla.

There are so many flavors of ice cream out there and everyone has their own personal favorite. Who are we to judge who's flavor tastes better for each individual?

I used to love ice cream until I got older and developed a touch of lactose intolerance. Now when I eat it, it makes me feel gassy and uncomfortable.

Kind of like Jesus.

Love,
Mama

I'll let you all know how it goes.

Sleeping with one eye open

2008-02-12T11:18:00.000-06:00

Conversation with my 3 1/2 year old during bedtime.

Audrey: Mama, could you scratch my back?

Me: Sure honey.

Audrey: Where's my alligator toy?

Me: Right here.

Audrey: It's alligator's bedtime too.

Me: Is he going to sleep in bed with you?

Audrey: Uh huh. Put him by my feet. And in the morning, him will eat some food.

Me: Oh yeah? What do alligators eat?

Audrey: People.

I don't wanna...

2008-02-10T17:21:00.001-06:00

Mina came home from school on Friday begging me to join Awanas.

Just fucking shoot me now.

If you've read a post of mine here and there, you would know by now I am not what one would call "religious". Pretty much the polar opposite if we're going to split hairs here.

At the beginning of the school year, the school sent home a flier about an informational meeting for Girl Scouts. When I asked Mina if she was interested, she looked at me as if I had offered a steaming pile of shit for dinner.

"No way, Mama. They make you potty in the woods!"

Um...huh?

I guess she thinks the Girl Scouts are some kind of hippie commune living off the land or perhaps some sort of militia. Who knows where she gets this stuff.

I want to tell her that Awanas is basically just Girl Scouts sprinkled liberally with jesusdust, but that would probably only make her want to go more.

Mina told me that Bethany does Awanas, and Bethany is her "very best friend" so NATURALLY Mina wants to do it too. I know you can't always pick who your kid wants to hang with, but why oh why did my kid have to pick to most jesus-y kid in her class to latch onto?

Jim and I are so torn on this. On the one hand, we don't want to keep her from making her own decisions in this arena. On the other, I don't want Mina coming home with a hundred plastic fetuses and a mailng list.

Thoughts?

Hooray for Modern Medicine!

2008-02-06T20:40:00.000-06:00

I know it gets a bad rap now and again (and sometimes for very good reason), but in this case I'm coming out in support of it.

I've been on Lexapro for six weeks now and I can honestly say that I feel like I got "me" back.

Back when I was in college (and probably could have used them), the people who were known to be on antidepressants were whispered about. Thinking back now, I should have applauded them for dealing with their issues instead of drinking and drugging them away like I and so many of my friends did.

In the last month and a half, I have learned a lot about myself. That sounds so corny. That's alright. I'm a little bit corny sometimes.

It amazes me more every day that I can deal so much better with everyday life bullshit. Stuff that would have sent me into a rage a while back is now easily put into perspective and dealt with accordingly.

Without going into too much mushy detail, I will say that I am lucky to have the husband that I do. I didn't think so for a long time. I was wrong. And I feel very lucky to have him as a partner raising our kids. It's a tough job without support of some kind, and I happen to have hit the jackpot.

Mina is such a passionate kid (read: LOUD and very sensitive) and starting kindergarten this year has set off her inner diva in a big bad way. It's entertaining yet completely exhausting at the same time.

Audrey is in the midst of her "Terrible Threes". Whoever coined the phrase "Terrible Twos" needs a reality check. Three is soooo much more frustrating than two. Two is paradise compared with the intesity of three.

They fight a lot, and where before the screeching would send me into a rage, I can now calm myself and see it for what it is: a phase.

I could cry when I think about how detached I started to get from my beautiful girls. I felt like the worst mother in the world some days.

The bickering still grates on my nerves(does anyone like hearing that?), but at least now I don't dream of running away from home after they go to bed.

A very wise woman on a parenting message board I frequent had such a great response to a woman who felt bad about relying on antidepressants to make her happy.(Kate, if you're reading I hope you don't mind me sharing this).

To paraphrase...It's not the pills making you happy. The pills are just a catalyst to allow you to experience the happiness that is already there, but your brain won't allow you feel it.

I know this doesn't apply to everyone, but it resonated so strongly with me. I spent years feeling this anger at everyone around me, but unable to explain the reason for it. I got stuck in it and couldn't turn it around until I had a little help from the medicine.

So now I feel like I've gotten a new start. There are often times during the day that I feel this sense of complete peace and calm. The best part is that now instead of worrying that something bad will come along and ruin it, I actually let go and enjoy it.

YAY for snow days!

2008-02-01T18:31:00.000-06:00

Audrey woke up this morning covered in puke.

The good news is she didn't have school today anyway. We got about 9 inches last night (bayern chicka bayern bayerrrrn)...of snow.

Poor little Bean had to miss the sledding adventure Jim and Mina went on. Hopefully she'll feel better by Sunday because I really want us all to get to go to the sledding hill together.

Jim took the camera and got a video that MUST be shared.

Basically he is laying on his stomach on the sled with the camera in front of his face and Mina is sitting on his back. Be sure to listen carefully for the sound of the guy they knocked over near the end (he was alright and laughed about it).

Oy vey is right

2008-01-30T15:07:00.000-06:00

My husband told me about an application on Facebook for playing Blackjack. I loooove playing Blackjack, so naturally I was all about it.

I picked an empty table to practice and see how all the bells and whistles worked. I had a few games under my belt when someone else joined me.

She didn't do anything at first. I continued to play.

Suddenly there was a message from her down on the chat function in the corner.

All it said was:

"jewish?"

My name is a slight bastardization of a Hebrew word. My father happens to have been raised a Jew before converting to Christianity as a young adult. When I was young, my family would sometimes light the menorah next to the Christmas tree (well, not right next to it--didn't want to burn the house down.) But my Mother is not Jewish, so none of this makes me "officially" Jewish.

More like Jew-ish.

"yeah," I typed back to my nosy table mate, "no one usually gets that from the name."

And as soon as she read it, she was gone.

Nazi bitch.