The one I really really don't want my Mom to read

Not that I want her reading any of them, but this one in particular might send her over the edge.

Katie Schwartz (who, if you don't know by now, ya' really should. She's, as she might put it, "tits to the Nth degree") tagged me.

"For this meme, I'm going to ask you to answer three (hopefully not dumb) questions: What is the dumbest question you ever been asked? Why was it it dumb? And, even though it won't help, because answering a dumb question never does, what's the answer? (Or, as I like to think of them: The Big Dumb Question, The Big Dumb Reason, and The Big Dumb Answer.)"

My sophomore year of college, I was at a party minding my own business when I suddenly found myself in the bathroom making out with some guy I just met. What? It happens. Visitor Guy was in town visiting a friend (who also happened to be a friend of mine).

After the party, we went back to Mutual Friend's (known from here on out as MF) house to continue the party.

This lead to that which lead to another few things and...well, you get the picture. Suddenly, I feel a tap on my shoulder. I look up and it's MF. I should state at this point of the story, Visitor Guy and I had commandeered MF's bed. Being Visitor Guy, he obviously didn't have any other place to go to, and I didn't want him hanging around my house.

So, I feel this tap on my shoulder and I look up and MF is standing there, looking nervous.

"Can I join you?" He asks.

"Uh, what?"

"Can I...ya know...join you?"

For the record, I did not laugh in his face. In fact I was uncharacteristically gentle in my response. Maybe it was the Xanax I had taken a hour before. Who's to know?

I calmly told him no, and kicked him out of his own bedroom to "hang out" with his out of town guest.

Pig Sty

Dear people who sold us this house,

I don't remember anywhere in the sale contract asking for you to leave random hairs everywhere, but thanks for allowing me the pleasure of wiping someone else's pubes out of the bathtub. That was a real treat!

It's also super awesome that we get to buy new outlets (not outlet covers, actual outlets) for every room in the house. I think it's soooo great when people are too lazy to paint around them. Kudos to you!

Let me extend my heartfelt gratitude for the bleach spots on the carpet in the basement as well. That looks SO GOOD right there in the open like that!

By the way, it's called a fucking mop--floppy strips of material attached to a long stick, dipped in cleaning solution, rubbed about the floor in the event there is an accumulation of dirt. Check your local supermarket. I hear they sell them there.

Yours Truly,
Chaylene

Proof that I have not lost my badassedness to motherhood*

On Thursday nights I meet a couple friends out for a drink. I don't make it out every week but when I do, it's a nice break in the week--especially in these last few months with all the house craziness.

Yesterday was particularly deserving of an adult beverage. I took the girls to the pool in the morning, then took them grocery shopping, then had to get home to wait around for the home appraiser. My girls really should have laid down for some "quiet time" because they were really wiped out from swimming, but I knew they would get interrupted by whoever was coming over to appraise the house. So, no nap.

Nevermind that the guy was an hour and half later than he said he was going to be, and my kids were practically clawing at their face in exhaustion. When Mina gets overtired, she takes on all the characteristics of someone with Tourette's Syndrome, randomly shouting and screeching. Audrey just whines and cries at every single imagined infraction of the universe.

Add to all of this the fact that I was on day one of Bleed Fest June '07, and even though I had taken enough ibuprofen to put down a racehorse, I could still feel my shitty baby purse cramping away.

By 5:30, the noise level in my house had reached monkey house proportions, and I was ready to put my head in the oven.

By the time 9:30 rolled around, I was more than ready to get that drink.

I got to the bar and strolled down to the end to find my friend and her husband waiting. She got up to play some songs on the jukebox, so I followed her over to chat. While we standing there, some drunk fuck stumbled by and literally stopped in his tracks and proceeded to give her a full body leer. He was gross and grizzled and smelled like ass. It was kind of funny the way he didn't even try to hide the fact that he was checking her out head to toe.

We shrugged it off and went back to picking songs.

When we sat back down, Drunk Perv happened to be sitting a couple seats down, across the L-shaped bar. My friend than told me that Drunk Perv had been sitting there the whole time she had been there, trying to make conversation with her husband and her for a good hour. By the time I got there he was so drunk, he was now just staring at us. He might have been drooling. I don't know. It was kind of dark in there.

After trying to ignore him and talk with my friend, I couldn't take it anymore. It's really hard to have a conversation when someone is boring holes in your breasts with their eyes, and not even trying to be subtle about it.

Finally, the day caught up with me. All the yelling and crying and waiting around and trying to pack and make lists for the next day and thinking about my surgery and already being so tired from it all spewed out of me.

"YOU NEED TO FUCKING STOP IT RIGHT NOW!"

"Wha--"

"I don't know if you're staring at her or him or me or WHAT, but you need to stop fucking staring over here because it is seriously creeping me out."

"I'm just listening to the music..."

"I don't care what you're doing, but you need to stop staring at us while you do it."

So he got up and stumbled out of the bar.

I don't know what came over me. I mean, that's something I always want to say when this type of situation comes up, but I never do. Sure, I've had my share of "incidents" in the past, but it's been years since I got to break a bottle on someone's head, put a cigarette out on someone's back, hit someone in the head with a pay phone receiver or break a broomstick jabbing someone in the back....but I digress.

I'm an adult now--an adult with two small children. I'm not supposed to yell at drunken slobs for skeeving my friends and I out--or am I? Who's to say I can't still throw down (verbally only-I don't feel the need to physically harm anyone unless they pose a threat to my family)?

I feel pretty good this morning.


*That picture is from NYE 2005, and yes that is a Girl Scout shirt and sweater.

"You know what I love about summer?"

That's what our insurance guy asked us when we ran into him in the grocery store parking lot last night.

Answer: "Chicks in tube tops."

Was he leaning in my car window when he said it? Yes.

Was I wearing a strapless dress with a tube top-like chestal area? Yes.

Was he staring directly at my breasts when he said it? Yes.

Did my husband say anything? No.

Did I? You betcha.

We did find out we get some cash back after we close on the house because we somehow overpayed our homeowner's insurance.

Tit for tat I suppose.

Our house is sold...again

Done. Done. Done.

It's a done deal.

After sending over an electrician on their dime, they are ready to sign on the dotted line.

To say that I am relieved would be quite an understatement.

This weekend I will finish painting at the new house and Monday the movers come to do their thang. By Monday evening we will be permanent residents in what I am convinced is an alternate universe.

I got so used to living on this loud, busy street with a revolving door of neighbors that I guess I just got used to the chaos. I "forgot" that it's not normal to have to call the cops on the people across the street because they think it's a good idea to have an obnoxiously loud party on a Wednesday night. I got used to averting my eyes from the scary thugs standing in line in front of me at the corner store. I didn't blink an eye when my power and gas bills edged closer and closer to my mortgage payment every month.

At the new house, when I turn on the air, it actually gets cool in the house in less than an hour. When I sit in the backyard, I can hear birds chirping. People wave and say hello when they see you outside. There aren't empty Colt 45 bottles and cigarette butts in my front yard every morning. The garbage men don't fling the garbage cans in the street after they dump them.


Today I took the neighbor girl at the new house up on her offer to babysit. I had some painting to work on (will it ever end?). I figured she could get to know the girls with me there and it would make it easier when she came over for an "official" babysitting gig.

I had nothing to worry about. As soon as she walked in the door, the girls whisked her away to the playroom in the basement and kicked me out every time I tried to go down there to check on them. I'm pretty sure they like her better than me at this point.

I mentioned that I was a hairstylist and her adorable little 15 year old eyes lit up. When I told her that I could do updos, she got giddy. Methinks I'll be trading some highlights and prom do's for some babysitting. Sweet.

I wish the new owners of this house well even though I feel like they kickfucked us there at the end. As I type this, some fucktard in a $500 car with a $2000 stereo is thumping his bass down the block, and all I can do is laugh.

It is so not my problem anymore.

Lowe's owns my soul

Can I just say again how much I love my new house? Not just the house, but the whole neighborhood.

Saturday morning, as Jim and I were emptying out the storage units, a neighbor from down the street came over and introduced himself and his oldest daughter. He handed me a list of all the other neighbor's addresses and phone numbers. He welcomed us to the block and said that if we need anything, to just give a call.

Yesterday the neighbor girl next door came over and offered her babysitting services. I could have hugged her.

We met the guy across the street too. He's thinking about selling, but when he saw that we had two little girls (his daughters are close in age to mine), he said they would probably stay. Then he invited us over for a drink after we got all moved in.

I know we bought the right house.

We spent most of the weekend painting with the help of some good friends and a little pizza and beer.












Girls' rooms (I've decided these rooms need a white wood trim at the top, next the ceiling):


Painting the window and floor trim white next weekend:



Kitchen demo. Suck it, Ty Pennington:



When we took the cabinets down next to the sink, we found this on the wall. Dave Brown sounds like a man defeated:


This Saturday I'm going to tackle painting the second coat on the light stuff in the living room, painting the master bedroom and prepping the kitchen walls for its pretty new color.

In other news of the worst case scenario kind....

Our buyers might be hitting the road.

The home inspector came Friday and suggested that at some point the wiring on the second floor be rewired. They freaked out, and asked that we have it done.

After consulting with an electrician friend of mine, I promptly opened a beer and fought back tears. What they are asking us to do, in the two weeks before the planned closing mind you, is to have done what could cost over $2000. It's not going to happen.

We offered them a little cash towards fixing it, but I have the feeling they aren't going to go for it. We are screwed, big time.

My realtor is supposed to call today to tell me what they said, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. It looks like we'll be putting that motherfucking for sale sign back into the yard.

On the bright side, we'll be living at the new house in a week, so I won't have to worry about keeping the old house clean. Also, that was the only problem the home inspector found with the house. Everything else is piddly stuff that is easy to fix.

On the not-so-bright side, we very well might have two house payments in the not too distant future.

Whiny, tear-laden posts to follow shortly.

This New House

My washer and dryer came yesterday (and so did I when I saw them!). I haven't been this tingly in my girl bits since I bought the Dyson.

Dryer goodness:


Washer love:



I've pretty much mapped out what colors are going in each room, and hopefully I can get all the painting done this weekend. The bedrooms aren't very big, and I think the prep work will be the biggest time suck of the project.

Master bedroom will have a muted aqua blue/brown color scheme. It's a seafoam-ish green now. The mirrored closet doors will, much to my husband's dismay, be replaced with trifold doors:



Mina's room is tan right now, but will be a pale pastel pink:



Audrey's room is a gorgeous blue, but I wanted to 'girl it up' a bit. It will be a light lavender:



The living room is an ATROCIOUS burgundy red--just cave like and wrong for the size of the space. I'm thinking of going against type and doing three walls in a creamy tan-like color, with an accent wall of chocolate brown opposite the fireplace (the girls are in the pictures to show scale, naturally):




The upstairs bathroom needs a whole gut and remodel. It's not that anythings broken. I just changed my mind about liking the wood plank walls. The tile is way 80's, and not in a good way. We're going to do white subway tile up the walls and white floor tile, maybe relocate the tub closer to the window and replace the vanity with two pedestal sinks. I'm thinking citrus orange for an accent color. Before we can rip apart the bathroom though, we have to put a shower in the downstairs half bath. Either that, or not mind hosing off in the backyard.:





Then, there's the kitchen. I wish I got a close up of the cool back splash tile. It's this swirly pattern of blues and some green--very fun. Not that I didn't know that this was our perfect house already, but to add to the serendipitous nature of this whole thing, one of my very best friends has the EXACT SAME tile in her bathroom! Crazy.
The row of cabinets over the peninsula there is coming out this weekend as are a small cabinet over the fridge. I think I'm going to go with a blue-tinted white for the kitchen walls, and maybe light/weathered looking white laminate on the floor.:




I'm going to be working my ass off this weekend, but at least this sweat equity is for our benefit as opposed to all the shit we put into our current house to sell it.

I got to meet our neighbor on the other side yesterday. A sweet elderly fellow who can't hear very well (probably a good thing considering how loud my family is).

He came over to let me know I left some lights on outside the night before. I thought he was complaining at first, but then he said he didn't want me "wasting any electricity". Unlike most people, I don't mind nosy neighbors. I AM a nosy neighbor. I see it as a kind of neighborhood watch thing. So long as he keeps his mouth shut about the goat sacrificing and midnight orgies, we'll get along fine.

I have yet to take my dogs over there. I should do that today so the boy dog can properly 'mark' every last blade of grass and the girl dog can run into the sliding glass door (her eyesight is not so great).

Work in progress photos coming this weekend!