Braggart

I'm currently taking the second of the five classes I need to finish my Associates degree--three of which are math.

I'm not a huge fan of the numbers game, but I decided I would suck it up and plow through to get the piece of paper I've wanted to get for a looong time. I can't transfer back into ISU to get my four year degree without the math, so here we are.

When I went to take the placement test a few months ago, I only tested into the second lowest math class. No big shock there. I haven't taken a math class since high school unless you count the statistics class I passed by the skin of my teeth back at ISU.

Last week we took the fourth test of the semester. This one was supposed to be, in my professor's words, "the really tough one".

And what did I get on it?

95, bitches.

Ninety-frimframmin'-five.

Not only that but, because he decided to grade this test on a curve because of the "poor showing of grades", I found out that I had the highest score in the class.

Of course, Jim was quick to point out that I just fucked up the curve for everyone else. Somehow that made it all the more sweet. Is that mean? Do I care?

This is so unexpected. I never thought I would do well in a math class. The first three tests went fairly well but my grades have been steadily getting worse as we take each one. I got a 90, 88, then an 83. Naturally I expected that I would gradually get lower on this one.

But NOPE.

I'm just going to go ahead and congratulate the hell out of myself for the rest of the day. Who knows when this will happen again?

Not dead yet...

Once again, I have slacked on the ol' Bacon Blog. Didya' miss me?

Had a fantastic time at DisneyWorld!

We drove up Friday night and stayed at a hotel near the airport. It was a really nice place. We would have enjoyed it more if we didn't have to get up at like 3 o'clock in the morning to get ready for our flight.

We got to Orlando around 1pm on Saturday and checked into our super swank hotel. We were at the Magic Kingdom by 2.

It was so weird to just...go. With kids you need to plan and pack stuff and make sure everyone's gone to the bathroom and tell them to quit bickering or you'll turn the metaphorical car around, blah blah blah. That day, we just walked into the park and commenced the fun.

We stayed at that park until about 7, then headed over to Epcot. We'd never been there, so we didn't know what to expect. Um, I pretty much LOVE Epcot at night.

We headed straight for the World Showcase and located the Germany section. Somehow we lucked into a table for their dinner. Holy shit, was it good.

I got a beer flight (or is it a flight of beer?). Good food and great beer! What more could I ask for?

They seat you "family style" at this place, so you sit with people you don't know. There was a family at the end of our table that we didn't talk to, but across from us was an adorable couple that we chatted with the entire time.

Turns out they both work for Disney. One of the guys plays characters from Prince Charming to the Beast (of Beauty and the Beast). The other guy does mostly dancing in the parades at the MK and Hollywood Studios. At first, they were trying to be all coy about what their jobs were. I guess they aren't really supposed to talk about it out in "civilian" life but once the beer started flowing, all bets were off.

We told them we were coming back in December with the girls. They said we should get in touch with them (we're facebook friends now, natch) and they would set up some special treatment. I'm not going to count on it, but it would be over the top fantastic if all the stuff there were talking about (priority parade seating, personal meet and greets with the princesses) actually happens. I would love to blow the girls' minds with that.

Epcot closed at 8pm so we didn't get a chance to stay very long. I honestly didn't give a crap about the rest of the park. The liquor flows at Epcot and that alone made me a huge fan!

Sunday we decided to check out Hollywood Studios. Neither of us had ever been there either and we were excited to see what was going on there.

That place is amazing!

First we did the Star Tours ride and giggled like little kids. As you walk out of pretty much every ride, there is a gift shop. We had one of those pictures taken where they put your face into a different scene. If you're ever in my neck of the woods, go down to the shop and ask Jim to show you our Han Solo/Princess Leia portrait. It's genius.

We rode the Tower of Terror and I think Jim pooped his pants a little. It actually is terrifying. I loved it.

Then, the cherry on top of the whole trip: the Aerosmith Rockin' Rollercoaster.

Oh.Sweet.Jesus.

The cheese factor is off the charts. It's fantastic.

After you get through the line (Absolutely fastpass this bitch. The line can get outrageous), you are sent into the "recording studio". The band is rockin' out when their manager comes in to tell them they are late for their show. Oh, but what about all our "friends" here? Let's bring them, of course!

Cheese upon cheese. Perfection.

The coaster itself, while on the short side, is great. Like, really really great. You pretty much go from 0-60 in like two seconds. And you go upside down. When we were riding the second time my backpack come out from between my feet. When we stopped, I had a mini panic attack thinking it was lying somewhere in the deep recesses of Aerosmith land. Luckily it just slid over to Jim's feet.

We had lunch at the Sci-Fi drive in restaurant. You basically sit in cars and watch old science fiction movies while you eat. Kitschy and awesome.

Oh, and they serve drinks at this park too!

I saw that the American Idol Experience was open, so I had to check that out. I'm a huge dork for that show, so I wanted to see what this "ride" was all about.

Right before we got in line, Jim and I got these HUGE beers from a vendor and went to wait in line. Apparently they don't want you to drink while you wait in line for this, so we had to chug our beers before queuing up.

Let's just say that made the whole thing WAY funnier that it probably was.

We went to see this Indiana Jones show and little museum-y type thing about Walt Disney.

After that, we went back to Epcot and drank some wine in Italy and France. It was so pretty out there at night. We stayed for the fireworks, then it started to rain and we caught a cab back to our hotel.

All in all, we had a blast. Our kids think we went to "the beach". They also think "the beach" has a huge Disney store where we got all the gifts we brought back.

I cannot wait to take them back in December!

Two first class tickets to Hell, please.

I'm evil. And I love it.

Two days ago I was enjoying the spring-like weather. Something about the crack in the death grip of winter always gives me a new found motivation to to leave my house and get shit done.

I was reading an article on cnn.com about how Vegas is practically giving away hotel rooms and the airlines are following suit in the cheapness.

Just for the hell of it I looked up what it would cost to sneak out there this weekend for a quick and dirty getaway and was severely disappointed to find that we'd have to fly out of Seattle or LA to get these supposed "great deals". Bah!

I mentioned to Jim that it would be fun to go somewhere this weekend. The girls have Monday off and we could send them to his parents' house and take off.

And that is when things took a turn for the crazy.

You see, Jim knows a guy who can get free passes to Disney World.

Totally joking Jim said, "We should go there for the weekend and not take the kids."

After we stopped laughing maniacally we gave it some serious thought.

I didn't think he would really call that guy and see if we could get the passes, but sure as shit Jim called me an hour after he got to work to tell me that we would have them in hand in a couple of days.

Jim knows someone else that works for a hotel chain that happens to have a property about 2 miles from the Magic Kindgdom and whattaya' know? We can get a room there for next to nothing!

It all came down to airfare which, after all was said and done, cost more than I like to pay but this was so last minute I really can't complain. Considering the deal we are getting on the rest of our stay, I just decided to suck it up and pull the trigger.

We're going to tell them that we are going to Chicago...which is true. We are flying out of O'Hare. We aren't even telling his parents where we are going just in case they slip. They know we are catching a flight, but that's it.

All photographic proof of this trip will be hidden in a safe deposit box until our children are old enough to be charged as adults for stabbing us in our sleep for leaving them home.

This whole thing happened so fast and it is seriously fucking with my Type A personality.

I'm pretty excited, not just because we really dig going to Disney World, but also to actually be getting away--just the two of us. We never ever do stuff like this, but here we are.

Happy (almost) Spring!

Relatives and sex toys should never ever come up in the same conversation

In the infancy of my 21st year, some friends and I went to New York for our Spring Break.

I have family there who, at the time, lived on the upper west side. Super swank. And they voluntarily allowed us to stay with them. In fact they encouraged it. What were they thinking?

Each night, we'd all have dinner together and they would send the four of us out the door with subway tokens and a map.

"Have fun girls! Be back before dawn...if you feel like it."

We would scan the paper for any good bands playing and haul our gussied up selves to see them.

Naturally we had to hit CBGB's (RIP) and we also ended up at several other places I couldn't find on a map today if I tried. We made friends wherever we went and one night ended up at some dive on Avenue A smoking pot with some whacked out locals. That night I think we laid our collective heads on our pillows just as the sun woke up.

It was a fantastic time. My Aunt and Uncle took such good care of us and we all said a teary goodbye as the vacation ended.

I spoke with my Aunt when I got home and thanked her again for showing us such wonderful hospitality. She said that we forgot a few things at their apartment and she would be sending them to me shortly.

A couple weeks later the package arrived.

Someone left a shirt or something. Maybe there was a tube of mascara in there. My Aunt had also sent me a kick ass messenger bag and t-shirt she thought I would like (and she was right).

I had 7 roommates at the time. We lived in this enormous house and, believe it or not, we all had our own bedrooms. Most everyone was hanging out in the living room the day I got the package so they all watched me open it.

I was so excited about the cool shirt and new bag that I failed to notice the looks of horror and shock slowly taking over my roommates' faces.

I looked up and someone said, "So...your Aunt's pretty laid back, eh?"

"What do you mean?"

Then I looked down at the box.

And saw it.

There, resting gently in a sea of bubble wrap was an unwrapped, presumably used vibrator.

My first thought was that someone in our traveling gaggle had left it there, but who? No one fessed up.

My second and way more disturbing thought was that my Aunt sent it to me as a gift.

I didn't know which was worse: My Aunt handling my friend's vibrator or her thinking of me while cleaning out her stash (like I said, it wasn't packaged or wrapped as if it were new--it already had batteries in it!). Did she think I needed it?

I knew it wasn't mine. I would have said so right away, and I certainly wouldn't have left it at my Aunt's house. Come to think of it, I would not have brought it on (that kind of) vacation at all.

A few days later my Aunt called to make sure the package arrived, and I was terrified she would bring up the giant phallic elephant in the room.

She didn't.

I saw her two summers ago at my cousin's wedding and we email back and forth now and again. I really really want to ask her about it now that more than a decade has passed since the incident.

How exactly would one bring this type of subject up?

You say it's your birthday...

Well, it's my birthday too, yeah.

No, really. It is.

I'm 35 now. Wheeee!

I was going to try and post something deep and introspective but let's face it. I'm not all that deep and introspection is for navel gazing emo boys.

Instead I will share the story of two people from my past who share my same day of birth. One a year younger and one a year older.

First the younger, Mindy (not her real name).

I met Mindy my sophomore year in high school. I don't know how we started hanging out, but it probably had something to do with the fact that we both liked cigarettes, booze and writing (awful awful) poetry.

We thought ourselves deep. No one could possibly understand the depth of our deepness. Oh no.

Sometimes we would meet at the library to study. Studying consisted of us walking down to the 7-11 to buy a Big Gulp of Pepsi to mix with our pilfered whiskey and smoking as many cigarettes as we could suck down.

Mindy was by far the bigger JD which is really saying something because I was no Pollyanna myself. I just never got caught.

Which brings us to our story.

One day Mindy and I were hanging with another acquaintance, Sheila. Sheila was kind of a puppy dog. Didn't really have an opinion about anything and was just happy to be part of the team. Present day, she's probably got a comfortable desk job at Human Resources somewhere.

She was a nice girl. So nice that she gave Mindy and I a bottle of peppermint schnapps she stole from her parents' liquor cabinet to prove...I don't know what she was trying to prove. I do know we happily accepted it and stashed it for later. Mindy and I were going to the football game that night.

I'm not sure why. Maybe we just needed to get out of the house. Maybe there was a boy involved. Doesn't matter. We were going and we were planning on putting away at least some of that bottle beforehand.

Cut to the second quarter of the game. Mindy's leaning on me and not making any sense. As "hardcore" as we thought we were, we really didn't drink much of that bottle. Peppermint schnapps is gross. I didn't want to be drunk that badly.

Unbeknownst to me, Mindy was on some psychiatric medication that...you guessed it...you shouldn't drink with. Hey now! That would have been some useful information. Add to that Mindy drank WAY more than I did.

So, I'm literally holding Mindy up in the stands when I catch the eye of someone who was also in the school play with me at the time. I think he saw the fear in my eyes, and helped me drag her out of there.

I don't know why I thought we could get out of there without attracting the attention of anyone, but 5 minutes later an ambulance was there. It was bad.

I didn't hang out with Mindy much more after that. I'm pretty sure that set a precedent in my mind for my distaste of sloppy drunks. Hold your liquor people. And for the love, learn how to mix your booze and drugs properly. Sheesh.

My other birthday pal was a boy named Jack (again, not his real name). He was a year older than me and went to a different high school.

Jack was "arty" and VERY into himself. I'm embarrassed that I made out with him. He probably pretended he was kissing himself.

After a few weeks of phone calls and a train ride into the city, I decided he was just a little too pouty and flouncy for my taste. But that didn't stop him from writing me letters.

One letter contained pictures he had taken of himself. In women's clothing.

Now, that's all fine and good for him. Kudos to him for being so self aware at 17 to know what he's into.

To my 16 year old self though, this was just way too much.

I wish I still had those pictures. I threw them away for fear my fundie parents would find them and never let me leave the house again.

By the by, I also share a birthday with Kate Moss, Edgar Allan Poe and Janis Joplin.

What is it with me and these tragic figures?

Want to do a good deed?

Who doesn't need to shore up their karma account?


Audrey's preschool is having a fundraiser. We get 40% of proceeds until January 28th.


Go to http://www.greenraising.com/ and pick A Child's View Cooperative Preschool-IL from the drop down menu at the top right hand corner of the website.

Then buy stuff!


It's good for the environment stuff and it helps out our small parent-run preschool.

When I was looking for a preschool for my girls I had a hard time finding one that wasn't affiliated with a church. Just about every place in town was. When I found A Child's View I was ecstatic. Just the godless liberal haven I was searching for.

Our budget is slim and fundraisers are the only way we can keep chugging along. I'm on the parent board so I know how important these fundraisers are to keep the doors open and the teachers paid (trust me, they work for close to nothing, but love the school and the kids enough to do it anyway).

Now go get to shopping!

If you do buy something, let me know in the comments section so I can lavish you with virtual sloppy kisses and inappropriate touching.

Thanks!

Groundhog Day

You've seen it, right? My life is starting to feel like that movie.

First they cancelled school on Wednesday, then Thursday, then today. And we already had Monday off.

I'm getting a leetle bit stir crazy being in the house this long.

We have been playing the Wii a LOT. The girls' favorite thing to do (beside Mario Party) is make Miis. We have like 4,000 of them now. Mina's have names like Puffy and Sprinkles and Cutie. Audrey can't spell yet so all of hers are named xczvm,k;l and bljpx;l. I think that's Czech, but I could be wrong.

The music has penetrated my soul at this point. The girls are starting to make up words to it.

I like those eyes no

make them bigger pleeeeeease

I don't like her hair no

make it lighter theeerrreee

stop kicking me in the head MOM!

Get off of me! I'm telling!

I'm thirsty Mom, please get us some juice

when is lunch

I am starved

Get your foot off of me

I am going to scream

She needs bigger eyebrows

and some freckles

make her short....

You get the gist.

Soon it's going to be like another movie around here.

The Shining.