Not dead yet...

Once again, I have slacked on the ol' Bacon Blog. Didya' miss me?

Had a fantastic time at DisneyWorld!

We drove up Friday night and stayed at a hotel near the airport. It was a really nice place. We would have enjoyed it more if we didn't have to get up at like 3 o'clock in the morning to get ready for our flight.

We got to Orlando around 1pm on Saturday and checked into our super swank hotel. We were at the Magic Kingdom by 2.

It was so weird to just...go. With kids you need to plan and pack stuff and make sure everyone's gone to the bathroom and tell them to quit bickering or you'll turn the metaphorical car around, blah blah blah. That day, we just walked into the park and commenced the fun.

We stayed at that park until about 7, then headed over to Epcot. We'd never been there, so we didn't know what to expect. Um, I pretty much LOVE Epcot at night.

We headed straight for the World Showcase and located the Germany section. Somehow we lucked into a table for their dinner. Holy shit, was it good.

I got a beer flight (or is it a flight of beer?). Good food and great beer! What more could I ask for?

They seat you "family style" at this place, so you sit with people you don't know. There was a family at the end of our table that we didn't talk to, but across from us was an adorable couple that we chatted with the entire time.

Turns out they both work for Disney. One of the guys plays characters from Prince Charming to the Beast (of Beauty and the Beast). The other guy does mostly dancing in the parades at the MK and Hollywood Studios. At first, they were trying to be all coy about what their jobs were. I guess they aren't really supposed to talk about it out in "civilian" life but once the beer started flowing, all bets were off.

We told them we were coming back in December with the girls. They said we should get in touch with them (we're facebook friends now, natch) and they would set up some special treatment. I'm not going to count on it, but it would be over the top fantastic if all the stuff there were talking about (priority parade seating, personal meet and greets with the princesses) actually happens. I would love to blow the girls' minds with that.

Epcot closed at 8pm so we didn't get a chance to stay very long. I honestly didn't give a crap about the rest of the park. The liquor flows at Epcot and that alone made me a huge fan!

Sunday we decided to check out Hollywood Studios. Neither of us had ever been there either and we were excited to see what was going on there.

That place is amazing!

First we did the Star Tours ride and giggled like little kids. As you walk out of pretty much every ride, there is a gift shop. We had one of those pictures taken where they put your face into a different scene. If you're ever in my neck of the woods, go down to the shop and ask Jim to show you our Han Solo/Princess Leia portrait. It's genius.

We rode the Tower of Terror and I think Jim pooped his pants a little. It actually is terrifying. I loved it.

Then, the cherry on top of the whole trip: the Aerosmith Rockin' Rollercoaster.

Oh.Sweet.Jesus.

The cheese factor is off the charts. It's fantastic.

After you get through the line (Absolutely fastpass this bitch. The line can get outrageous), you are sent into the "recording studio". The band is rockin' out when their manager comes in to tell them they are late for their show. Oh, but what about all our "friends" here? Let's bring them, of course!

Cheese upon cheese. Perfection.

The coaster itself, while on the short side, is great. Like, really really great. You pretty much go from 0-60 in like two seconds. And you go upside down. When we were riding the second time my backpack come out from between my feet. When we stopped, I had a mini panic attack thinking it was lying somewhere in the deep recesses of Aerosmith land. Luckily it just slid over to Jim's feet.

We had lunch at the Sci-Fi drive in restaurant. You basically sit in cars and watch old science fiction movies while you eat. Kitschy and awesome.

Oh, and they serve drinks at this park too!

I saw that the American Idol Experience was open, so I had to check that out. I'm a huge dork for that show, so I wanted to see what this "ride" was all about.

Right before we got in line, Jim and I got these HUGE beers from a vendor and went to wait in line. Apparently they don't want you to drink while you wait in line for this, so we had to chug our beers before queuing up.

Let's just say that made the whole thing WAY funnier that it probably was.

We went to see this Indiana Jones show and little museum-y type thing about Walt Disney.

After that, we went back to Epcot and drank some wine in Italy and France. It was so pretty out there at night. We stayed for the fireworks, then it started to rain and we caught a cab back to our hotel.

All in all, we had a blast. Our kids think we went to "the beach". They also think "the beach" has a huge Disney store where we got all the gifts we brought back.

I cannot wait to take them back in December!

Two first class tickets to Hell, please.

I'm evil. And I love it.

Two days ago I was enjoying the spring-like weather. Something about the crack in the death grip of winter always gives me a new found motivation to to leave my house and get shit done.

I was reading an article on cnn.com about how Vegas is practically giving away hotel rooms and the airlines are following suit in the cheapness.

Just for the hell of it I looked up what it would cost to sneak out there this weekend for a quick and dirty getaway and was severely disappointed to find that we'd have to fly out of Seattle or LA to get these supposed "great deals". Bah!

I mentioned to Jim that it would be fun to go somewhere this weekend. The girls have Monday off and we could send them to his parents' house and take off.

And that is when things took a turn for the crazy.

You see, Jim knows a guy who can get free passes to Disney World.

Totally joking Jim said, "We should go there for the weekend and not take the kids."

After we stopped laughing maniacally we gave it some serious thought.

I didn't think he would really call that guy and see if we could get the passes, but sure as shit Jim called me an hour after he got to work to tell me that we would have them in hand in a couple of days.

Jim knows someone else that works for a hotel chain that happens to have a property about 2 miles from the Magic Kindgdom and whattaya' know? We can get a room there for next to nothing!

It all came down to airfare which, after all was said and done, cost more than I like to pay but this was so last minute I really can't complain. Considering the deal we are getting on the rest of our stay, I just decided to suck it up and pull the trigger.

We're going to tell them that we are going to Chicago...which is true. We are flying out of O'Hare. We aren't even telling his parents where we are going just in case they slip. They know we are catching a flight, but that's it.

All photographic proof of this trip will be hidden in a safe deposit box until our children are old enough to be charged as adults for stabbing us in our sleep for leaving them home.

This whole thing happened so fast and it is seriously fucking with my Type A personality.

I'm pretty excited, not just because we really dig going to Disney World, but also to actually be getting away--just the two of us. We never ever do stuff like this, but here we are.

Happy (almost) Spring!

Relatives and sex toys should never ever come up in the same conversation

In the infancy of my 21st year, some friends and I went to New York for our Spring Break.

I have family there who, at the time, lived on the upper west side. Super swank. And they voluntarily allowed us to stay with them. In fact they encouraged it. What were they thinking?

Each night, we'd all have dinner together and they would send the four of us out the door with subway tokens and a map.

"Have fun girls! Be back before dawn...if you feel like it."

We would scan the paper for any good bands playing and haul our gussied up selves to see them.

Naturally we had to hit CBGB's (RIP) and we also ended up at several other places I couldn't find on a map today if I tried. We made friends wherever we went and one night ended up at some dive on Avenue A smoking pot with some whacked out locals. That night I think we laid our collective heads on our pillows just as the sun woke up.

It was a fantastic time. My Aunt and Uncle took such good care of us and we all said a teary goodbye as the vacation ended.

I spoke with my Aunt when I got home and thanked her again for showing us such wonderful hospitality. She said that we forgot a few things at their apartment and she would be sending them to me shortly.

A couple weeks later the package arrived.

Someone left a shirt or something. Maybe there was a tube of mascara in there. My Aunt had also sent me a kick ass messenger bag and t-shirt she thought I would like (and she was right).

I had 7 roommates at the time. We lived in this enormous house and, believe it or not, we all had our own bedrooms. Most everyone was hanging out in the living room the day I got the package so they all watched me open it.

I was so excited about the cool shirt and new bag that I failed to notice the looks of horror and shock slowly taking over my roommates' faces.

I looked up and someone said, "So...your Aunt's pretty laid back, eh?"

"What do you mean?"

Then I looked down at the box.

And saw it.

There, resting gently in a sea of bubble wrap was an unwrapped, presumably used vibrator.

My first thought was that someone in our traveling gaggle had left it there, but who? No one fessed up.

My second and way more disturbing thought was that my Aunt sent it to me as a gift.

I didn't know which was worse: My Aunt handling my friend's vibrator or her thinking of me while cleaning out her stash (like I said, it wasn't packaged or wrapped as if it were new--it already had batteries in it!). Did she think I needed it?

I knew it wasn't mine. I would have said so right away, and I certainly wouldn't have left it at my Aunt's house. Come to think of it, I would not have brought it on (that kind of) vacation at all.

A few days later my Aunt called to make sure the package arrived, and I was terrified she would bring up the giant phallic elephant in the room.

She didn't.

I saw her two summers ago at my cousin's wedding and we email back and forth now and again. I really really want to ask her about it now that more than a decade has passed since the incident.

How exactly would one bring this type of subject up?

Maybe I just need a Valium?

I need a fucking vacation.

I feel like I have been in the house for months on end. Part of it is the weather I guess. Part of it is the fact that the girls never stop talking. There is a running commentary on EVERYTHING every second they are here and awake. It's usually them arguing over something really stupid too. I would never tell them that (mostly because "stupid" is a bad word around here...unless we are discussing the current administration), but I do try to explain that they can BOTH be the goddamned sparkly princess dragon fairy ferchrissakes.

I can't send them outside to run off some of this pent up energy either. It's just too damn cold. Even if I did bundle them up and send them out, there isn't even any snow to play in. They'd just want to come back inside after a few minutes anyway. And I wouldn't blame them.

Tomorrow is Sunday and the only day off Jim gets. Ever. I told him that I really need to leave the house BY MYSELF for a couple of hours. Seeing the crazed look in my eye, he wholeheartedly agreed.

Winter is really getting to me this year.

What I'd really really like to do is drop the kids off at Grandma's house and hop a plane to somewhere sunny and warm for a long weekend with Jim...but that costs money we don't have.

I just signed up for the Delta Skymiles American Express credit card. I got the offer in the mail and, even though I dropped a no credit card rule bomb 'round here before Xmas, I might need to use it at the dogs' vet appointment next month.

The bill usually hits around the $600 mark when it's all said and done. I don't have that kind of dough right now and I can't bring myself to skip their annual exams. If I don't get it done they won't get their shots and tags. I can't board them without that which means we can't go out of town overnight.

I got a free "companion ticket" for signing up for the card and I'll get enough miles for a free domestic round trip if I spend $500 on it in the first three months (or something like that).

I haven't read all the fine print on how exactly this deal works, but I'm thinking we might have a couple of plane tickets to burn here in the next couple of months.

Maybe I will actually get this vacation.

Where should we go?

Florida? Vegas? New Orleans? The Gulf Coast?

She lives!

Well, I made it home safe and sound. Maybe not so much sound as completely hooped up on smack.

Then the good stuff wore off.

Slept most of the day away, then like a rock all night. This morning I woke up and my mouth felt like a squirrel had burrowed in it all night.

I don't feel too bad today. A little tired, a little achey.

I got to the surgicenter place at 6am and they took me back to the prep area by 6:15 or so. The nurse made me pee in a cup. I tried to tell her that there was no way I was pregnant--well, there was that .0001% my tubes decided to unravel and let something through, but it was highly unlikely.

She gave me some spiel about how if I had all my "parts", they had to do the test. Then told me a funny story about how "you haven't lived until you've asked a nurse for a pregnancy test". I got confused and asked her if she went to a Catholic high school. Laughs all around.

She gave me my sexy gown, robe and non-slip socks. Got my IV. Talked to the anesthesiologist. No loose teeth to worry about, no allergies, no problem.

My doc came in and we chatted about what was about to go down. Can med students watch the procedure? Sure, why not? Who doesn't want their vadge on display for a bunch of strangers?

Then the nurse gave me something to "take the edge off".

HOLY SHIT. I don't remember anything past that.

Last thing I do remember is watching that "Clean Sweep" show with that woman from Reno 911 and then BOOM, I was waking up from the gas.

Nurse gives me some ice chips. Do I need anything for the pain? Um...yes, please.

More dope.

There's my husband. Change back into my street clothes. Get my prescription filled. Kind of remember calling my Mom.

And home.

I've watched bits and pieces of all kinds of shitty movies. The kids are at their grandparent's house until tomorrow.

All in all, this has been a pretty sweet vacation from life.

Back to Normal

We got home last night and now it's back to business as usual in the Bacon Family Household.



Had a great time despite the heat then the rain, then more heat and more rain.



We had to get the girls up SO early to get to the airport. I told them they could stay in their pajamas.



Mina thought it was cool we got to watch the sunrise.





Our layover in Atlanta (which the girls kept calling "Atlantis")





In Orlando we stayed at the timeshare where my Aunt and Uncle own a place. They told my Mom that we'd have a full kitchen and washer and dryer.



Uh...not so much.



But it was clean and fufilled our needs which was a place to sleep, shower and store our shit. Also, there was a washer and dryer in our building that we could use which was a good thing because I only brought enough clothes for half the week.



Our neighbors liked to stay up late and cook (burn) food at around 1am every night, so by the second day I stopped telling the girls to be quiet in the hallway in every morning.



Future neighbors be warned: If you're going to make all kinds racket until the wee hours, don't expect to sleep in.



Here's a shot Mina got at breakfast by the pool one of the mornings:







It was just Grandma, the girls and I until Wednesday when my brother got there and Thursday when Jim got there.



We spent Monday and Tuesday at Sea World (or "Water World", as the girls kept calling it. No Kevin Costner to be found anywhere.)



It was so bright, I managed to keep getting crooked shots (that's my excuse anyway). Oh, and it was already close to 90 freakin' degrees by 9 o'clock in the morning.





Meeting Elmo after the show:





Cool merry-go-round:





We fed dolphins:





Saw the manatees (real and bronze):





Played in Shamu's Happy Harbor:





Mina liked playing in the sand most of all. Audrey is a bit more adventurous and loved the roller coaster and other rides.



We didn't end up seeing the Shamu show. My Mom and I were hellbent on taking the girls to see it, but they didn't really give a shit either way. This was a good thing as we would have had to wait in line for about an hour in the searing sun.



We did however get a couple pictures out front on our way out to at least say they saw a fiberglass replica of the whale.









My brother arrived bearing gifts. He helped them make their own fairy getups:

And now...the Disney experience:

Breakfast with Pooh and Friends

I think he farted or something

They look so glum, and we had just gotten there (maybe because it was already 95 degrees?)

But they did cheer up

Whoooooo!

I think Audrey was trying to steal her jewelry

And this is what we had on our hands by the end of day two:

This is back at home. No Disney trip is complete without a lighter wallet. (Some of) the goods:

Cat's out of the bag!

This in two parts because I had to stop to try and get them to sit still long enough to get them both in the shot.

It was worth a try anyway.

Now that it is half an hour later, I think it's finally beginning to sink in.

Oh, and the reason Audrey asks if she's coming too is because the last time we went, Audrey was way too young to appreciate the fun, so we only took Mina.

See ya' next week!

...Now what do you want to do?

Whoo Hoo! We're leaving for Orlando tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn!

I can't believe I've kept this a secret from the girls this whole time. Some of you may not now, but I have a BIG mouth.

In the past I've let a few things slip without thinking. One time I broke the news of a friend's pregnancy to another friend who didn't know yet. I felt horrible.

I'm working on it. This whole ordeal was a test of my blabber mouth for sure.

I've got just about everything packed. I started loading up the suitcases in secret a few days ago.

The other day we were at the grocery store and I bought some of those cheapy rain ponchos. Mina was pretty curious as to why I would buy such a thing when she and her sister have perfectly good raincoats hanging in their closets.

"It might rain." is all I told her, and she was satisfied with the answer.

My Mom is headed down here this afternoon, and I think we're going to sit the girls down after dinner and tell them what's up.

I was going to wait until we woke them up tomorrow morning to tell them, but I really want them to find out at the same time.

Yeah, they probably won't sleep very well tonight, but I think telling them tonight will get their little booties moving a little faster tomorrow morning. Considering we have to leave the house by a quarter to 5am, this is a good thing.

I'm going to catch their reaction to the news on video.

It should be posted tonight.

And.....GO!

I'm leaving for my parents' house in a minute, and will fly out early tomorrow morning.

I feel kinda' icky. It's the nerves. I wish I could just relax and go with the flow, but my body refuses to calm the fuck down. I couldn't sleep the other night, but made up for it last night by crashing at 9pm.

I'm going to try and find a computer while I'm over there, mostly to keep in touch with Jim. Don't know yet if I'll be able to call home.

I downloaded a few podcasts and new music to listen to on the plane.

I'm packed, and I really hope I don't forget anything important.

See ya' later!

Back in business

I got my laptop back today! Hooray!



It almost seems brand new too. New battery, new keyboard, soldered power plug (the old one wouldn't stay in place) and best of all, what amounted to approximately a half loaf of bread crumbs removed from the interior.



All's well, and now I can post entries on here whenever I want to.



This isn't necessarily a good thing. I might start talking about lunch again.



I'm debating whether or not to bring the laptop to Italy with me. Probably won't. If I need to dump pictures, I'll just find an internet point. Yes, that's what they call them over there. I'm so European already, see?



Apparently my in laws want to bring the girls back the day I get home. It wouldn't be such a big deal if I wasn't driving straight home from O'Hare (two hours at least) after a 14+ hour plane ride home.



I assume I'll miss them and everything, but I kind of wanted a few hours to sit on my couch alone and cry that my trip is over. Jim will gone that weekend, so I won't have him here to buffer the full force of my darling heathens after a week spent split between both sets of grandparents.



It's OK. I'll live. What am I even complaining about? I get to do something every stay at home parent dreams about doing. Leaving home ALONE for a week.



I'll shut up about that now, and share some funny shit that's happened 'round here lately.

Almost every time my kids go up to see my parents, they go to the mall and buy something from the Disney store...because my kids need more stuffed animals and/or princess shit. Right.

Apparently the one they go to is going out of business. This upsets Mina very much.

"Maybe we should go visit Grandma more so the store won't close."

That one's got an eye for business, eh?

Audrey has recently joined her sister in her obsessive safety scissor fetish.

Audrey cut a hole in her dress yesterday because she, "forgotted that it wasn't paper". Uh huh. She also cut a hole in underwear today.

Maybe she was hot?

Mina keeps telling anyone within earshot that I won a trip to France. I've stopped correcting her.

A few nights ago, at bedtime, I laid down next to Audrey to tuck her in etc. and she snuggled up to me all sweetly and asked, "So how was your day, Mama?"

Yeah, I'm going to miss them next week for certain.

Stuff and Things

Is anyone still checking in on me?



I'm lame and have slacked once again. Part of it is that my laptop is still dead (but I'm very lucky to have a friend who knows his shit about computers, and is graciously working on it for me--Thanks Rick!).

I had to miss Katie Schwartz's reading at the Pilcrow Lit. Festival because Mina had an end of the year picnic with her class, and I would have never heard the end of it if I had been the only parent who wasn't there. Sorry Katie. I had every intention of going until that came up.



School's out now, so it's been a nonstop circus of excitement 'round this parts. It's nice to not have to get up at any certain time and be able to enjoy the warm weather and the kick ass thunderstorms we've been having.



We planted all kinds of flowers and some vegetables too.



I finished my volunteer training and have the pager this weekend. I haven't gotten any calls yet, and that's a good thing.



A little while back I was having fun making fun little cards, and finally made so many that I put a few up on etsy to see what would happen. I sold one so far, and that pretty much made my year. Even if I don't sell anymore, at least I can say someone out there liked my stuff so much they were willing to pay actual money for it.



Here's a link if you want to see: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5923697

I leave for Italy two weeks from today, and I am nowhere near ready. I'm not even sure what clothes to bring. I've had a couple people tell me to bring something to cover my shoulders if I want to tour any cathedrals. My cousin said not to bring any shorts (I don't own any anyway), but that capris and sundresses were OK.

I have a 5 hour layover at JFK, and my brother is going to come out from his house in the Bronx to have dinner with me. It'll be nice to see him as I only get to visit with him about once or twice a year.

I fly into Milan where I'll spend the day wandering by myself, then I'm going to take a train over to Venice to meet up with my cousin. From there I think we'll make our way down to see this and that until we make it to Rome by the last day, where I'll fly out.

I'm excited. I don't think it will really hit me until I am on the plane.

Oh, and I'm going back to school in the fall. I signed up for one class at the local Community College (Intro. to Criminal Justice). I met with one of their academic advisors who went over my old ISU transcripts and plugged in the 90 credits to see what I had left for an Associates.

It looks like I only have a handful of classes to finish my two year degree. Then it's back to ISU for a Psychology major and Criminal Justice minor.

Most of my gen. ed. stuff has already been covered, but times have changed since I was in college last and I'm sure I'll need a few computer classes to catch up with the rest of the world.

I'm really excited about this new career path. I've done some research and found that there are professional vicitims' advocacy jobs out there. I'm just going to get those pieces of paper and go from there.

During training to be a rape crisis volunteer, we got to speak with two Assistant State's Attorneys and they were amazing (and really cool to boot. I would so go out drinking with those women). No, I do not want to go to law school, but helping to put sex offenders, child molesters and wife beaters behind bars very much appeals to me.

So....

Yeah. I've had a lot going on.

Forgive me?

Commence Operation Head Explosion: Top Secret

This August I plan on pulling ahead in delegates for the position of Mom of the Year.

My Mom called me the other day to ask me if we'd like to use my Aunt's extra week at her timeshare condo in Orlando.

I hemmed and hawed about it (per usual).

The money, Jim getting someone to cover the store, boarding the dogs...

Then I realized that we'd be stupid not to do it.

We're getting the timeshare for $150 for the whole week. From what my Mom told me, it's a really nice "resort" type place.

But that's not the best part.

All we're going to tell the girls is that we are "going on vacation with Grandma", just as we have done in years past. They'll be so distracted by all the pools and playing, they won't expect what's coming next.

For the first part of the week, it'll be just the girls, my Mom and I. And for the first couple of days, it'll be just hanging out swimming.

Then we're going to spring the "We're going to Sea World!" spiel on 'em. I looked at the website, and I'm certain they're not going to want to leave that place.

A few days into the trip, Jim is going to show up and surprise the girls.

And it gets better...

Two (or maybe three) days at Disney World!

We took Mina a couple years ago, and she hasn't stopped talking about it since. Audrey was too little to really get anything out it at the time, but she has slowly realized what she missed out on.

The best part of the whole trip is that the girls will have no idea what's going on until we are en route to it.

I've always been such a cynical bitch about certain things, but there is nothing like showing your kid the Mecca that is Disney World for the first time

It's going to be hard to keep this under wraps until August, but it will be SO worth it when I see their faces.

Best.Birthday.Ever.

I had far too much fun at my slumber party. Probably more fun than a grown woman should legally be allowed to have.

No, fuck that. I did deserve it. And my wonderful friends deserved a night of drunken revelrie as well.

Photographic proof of our night. LOTS o' pictures.

Flowers from my husband before he got the hell outta' Dodge.


I made some pretty cupcakes:


Enough?


It started off innocently enough:
"Hmmm...do I start with bourbon or wine?"










Present from Travis. He thought I needed a new gym bag. Inside the gym bag were colorful cigarettes and vaginal wipes. I love him.



My husband HATES celery. Hates it with a burning passion. This one is for him.


Who's a Pretty Barbie Birthday Princess? I AM! Thanks to Meghan.


Things went downhill (in a good way) quickly. Soon we were drunk.

Apparently I thought something we really fucking hilarious. I wish I could remember what it was.




No pillow fights, but Rachel got smoochy.










Phil is mysterious.


My dogs wanted us to shut the fuck up and go to bed.


But I made Ichabod play some Wii.


Full contact Wii.




Me. 3AM drunk in three parts.







34 is gonna' be a good year.