Stuff and Things

Is anyone still checking in on me?



I'm lame and have slacked once again. Part of it is that my laptop is still dead (but I'm very lucky to have a friend who knows his shit about computers, and is graciously working on it for me--Thanks Rick!).

I had to miss Katie Schwartz's reading at the Pilcrow Lit. Festival because Mina had an end of the year picnic with her class, and I would have never heard the end of it if I had been the only parent who wasn't there. Sorry Katie. I had every intention of going until that came up.



School's out now, so it's been a nonstop circus of excitement 'round this parts. It's nice to not have to get up at any certain time and be able to enjoy the warm weather and the kick ass thunderstorms we've been having.



We planted all kinds of flowers and some vegetables too.



I finished my volunteer training and have the pager this weekend. I haven't gotten any calls yet, and that's a good thing.



A little while back I was having fun making fun little cards, and finally made so many that I put a few up on etsy to see what would happen. I sold one so far, and that pretty much made my year. Even if I don't sell anymore, at least I can say someone out there liked my stuff so much they were willing to pay actual money for it.



Here's a link if you want to see: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5923697

I leave for Italy two weeks from today, and I am nowhere near ready. I'm not even sure what clothes to bring. I've had a couple people tell me to bring something to cover my shoulders if I want to tour any cathedrals. My cousin said not to bring any shorts (I don't own any anyway), but that capris and sundresses were OK.

I have a 5 hour layover at JFK, and my brother is going to come out from his house in the Bronx to have dinner with me. It'll be nice to see him as I only get to visit with him about once or twice a year.

I fly into Milan where I'll spend the day wandering by myself, then I'm going to take a train over to Venice to meet up with my cousin. From there I think we'll make our way down to see this and that until we make it to Rome by the last day, where I'll fly out.

I'm excited. I don't think it will really hit me until I am on the plane.

Oh, and I'm going back to school in the fall. I signed up for one class at the local Community College (Intro. to Criminal Justice). I met with one of their academic advisors who went over my old ISU transcripts and plugged in the 90 credits to see what I had left for an Associates.

It looks like I only have a handful of classes to finish my two year degree. Then it's back to ISU for a Psychology major and Criminal Justice minor.

Most of my gen. ed. stuff has already been covered, but times have changed since I was in college last and I'm sure I'll need a few computer classes to catch up with the rest of the world.

I'm really excited about this new career path. I've done some research and found that there are professional vicitims' advocacy jobs out there. I'm just going to get those pieces of paper and go from there.

During training to be a rape crisis volunteer, we got to speak with two Assistant State's Attorneys and they were amazing (and really cool to boot. I would so go out drinking with those women). No, I do not want to go to law school, but helping to put sex offenders, child molesters and wife beaters behind bars very much appeals to me.

So....

Yeah. I've had a lot going on.

Forgive me?

Restoring my faith in humankind

This morning I dropped Mina off in front of her school like usual. We can't use the circle drive that goes right up to the school as it is only for buses and daycare vans. We parents all have to haphazardly pull up along a drop off lane, leaving the kids to walk across the lawn or sidewalk to get into the front door.

Usually it's not a problem. Sometimes one of Mina's classmates is getting dropped off at the same time and she walks in with them, but she's fine doing it by herself.

Today though, with the ice and sleet we've been getting, the walk was a bit treacherous. They hadn't salted the sidewalks yet (which pissed me off), so I told Mina to walk through the frozen grass so she wouldn't slip.

She was having quite a time of it, not trusting her balance on the crunchy, icy grass. I saw the panic on her face as she crept forward at a snail's pace, arms outstretched and wobbly. I was just about to find a parking spot on a side street to go help her when an older girl ahead of her (who I found out later, Mina did not know before), looked to be a 5th grader, stopped and turned around.

I saw her bend down and say something to Mina before taking her hand and helping her the rest of the way.



I know there are a lot of snotty preteens floating around. I've heard the horror stories of girls starting puberty at 10, complete with PMS and attitude. I've seen them out in public, sassing their mothers, rolling their eyes.

But this was the exact opposite of that.

I only wish I could find out that girl's name so I could call her parents to tell them what a great job they're doing, and how that one small act of kindness completely made my day.

Which do you want first?

I always pick the "bad news". I like to end on a high note.

The Bad News:
Last night Audrey puked her entire dinner back onto her plate. She's not sick this time. I think I just shouldn't let her have a juice box with dinner. She sucked it down like a camel and it just didn't agree with her I guess. I am really sick of cleaning up barf.

The kitchen sink is cloggity clogged and I can't use my dishwasher either as it is backing up into it as well.

I have to pay someone to come fix it.

Winter has arrived. Sitting outside with my laptop and cigarettes isn't as enjoyable when I'm shivering.

Starbucks still has not called me back about an interview. Now I have to call and do the whole "just checking in" bullshit.



The Good News:
I can pull my size 6 pants off without unbuttoning them (straight out of the dryer!).

I have an excuse to go shopping.



Not sure which category this goes in:
I am woefully addicted to Scrabulous on Facebook.

It Has Begun

I was at the grocery store the other day when I heard it. It didn't register right away. I don't normally actually listen to what they're playing over the speakers (unless it's the GoGo's in which case I sing along and dance with my shopping cart).

Maybe it was turned up just a touch louder than usual because halfway down the second aisle, it hit me. Fucking Christmas music.

I have a love/hate relationship with holiday music. Part of me gets the appropriate warm and fuzzy feelings when I hear it. The other part of me, the cynical and angry part, usually beats all that sentimentality into an unrecognizable bloody stump.

I stopped and listened for a moment. How could I even start to think about Christmas when it wasn't even cold enough for socks? I know they have to start bombarding consumers with Christmas shit early in order to convince us to buy shit. After all, nothing says "I love you" like a six page long January credit card bill, right?

It's not just the stores with their music and decorations either. I've noticed the toy commercials are on double time. Every four seconds (as opposed to the usual eight seconds) I hear, "Mama! Can I have that?" "Mama, can Santa bring that?".

At first, I pulled out the speech from last year, "Santa can't bring everything. Let's just put it on the list and see what happens."

But I'm sick of saying it, mostly because they don't even hear me when I do. I've given up. Now, when they ask me for yet another bullshit piece of lead-laden garbage almost guaranteed to make noise/be difficult to assemble/fall apart after 5 minutes/etc, I just tell them that they can have it.

Why not?

How could it possibly backfire?

Random

Dear girl holding up traffic,

I get it. You have great posture and HUGE tits. Congratufuckinglations.



Dear Garlic Press Deli,

Your pumpkin bread is so good it almost makes me believe in God. Whoever made this deserves knighthood or princessdom or at the very least, a street named after them.


Dear woman who teaches 90 percent of the exercise classes I take,

I'm sure you're a nice person in "real life" so I'm sorry for the eye lasers during class(es). I can't help but give dirty looks to someone when they are making me want to cry in public (though my waist and ass thank you for your efforts).


Dear Weather Gnomes,
Please make it nice out tomorrow so I don't feel bad for making my dogs stay outside during the birthday party.


Dear Dogs,
Don't pee on the pumpkins, OK?

Dear Spellcheck function,
"Congratufuckinglations" is a word.


Sincerely,
Chaylene

Oh, fercryinoutloud

We dropped the asking price on Tuesday to try and spark some renewed interest, and it worked!

We had a showing Tuesday, Wednesday and THREE showings today.

Today was rough.

The first one was at 1:00 so I decided that after I picked the girls up from preschool I would take them out to lunch to kill some time. Then a woman called wanting to show the house between 2 and 3. OK, no problem. We just killed a little extra time. I had until 2:45 to pick the dogs up from the doggy daycare place anyway.

On my way to my home from picking up the dogs I got another call that someone wanted to see my house at 5:30.

That's when I started to get weary.

I left the house at 10:30 this morning to drop off the dogs and pick up the girls (who had left the house at 8:30 this morning. It was 3:00 at this point which meant I had at least another 3 hours to kill before I could take everyone home.

My kids were tired from the two hours we spent at the pizza place with a ball pit. (I know those things are gross, but it was in the 50's today, and too cold for the park). My dogs were tired from the four hours they spent sniffing butts and wrestling with other dogs. I was tired from shuttling to and fro all damn morning and afternoon with two kids and two dogs in the car.

We finally got to come home around 6:30. Poor Audrey was so tired that she passed out in the car on the way home and barely woke up while I changed her into pajamas. Mina made it through dinner and a bath, but was dead to the world after one short bedtime story.

I usually go out with a couple of friends for a drink on Thursday nights, but even that sounds like it would take too much effort. I don't know that I would be very good company tonight anyway.

I'm just bitchy and out of sorts so much of the time lately. I have to keep my house clean in case someone wants to see it. That part doesn't bother me so much as it is nice to have everything looking nice most of the time. I do hate having to scoop up the kids and the dogs at pretty much the drop of a hat. Audrey was in the process of giving up her nap anyway, but it didn't help that she keeps getting shuffled around town during her normal snooze time.

I know I should be excited that so many people are looking at the house, but I can't help but feel like I am being held hostage by this whole experience.

I feel like ass

Something unholy has taken up residence in the inner workings of my chest.

My 2 1/2 year old had bronchitis last week, so I'm pretty sure this is some version of that. I'd really love to lay down and go into a coma for a few hours...or days.

I am starting to lose my voice as well which is kind of a blessing in disguise. I tend to yell too much, as in "YOU GIRLS REALLY NEED TO STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER!". Parental double standards run rampant 'round these parts.

Oh, and it's raining buckets right now. We spent part of the morning sitting on the front porch, coloring and, in the case of the little one, ringing the doorbell 50,000 times, working the dogs into a crazed frenzy. It was quite entertaining.

I'd hate to leave this post as boring and depressing as it currently is, so here's a little something to lighten the mood.

Maybe he'll fight Godzilla with it

Nobel Peace Prize

What do (Environment-obsessed) Liberals and (Jesus-obsessed) Conservatives have in common?

Faith.

When someone finds out I am a godless heathen, the first thing out of their mouth is usually, "Why not believe just in case?" Their reasoning is that if I'm right, I've lost nothing and if I'm wrong, then I still get to join their harp and lute band in the sky after I'm dead. When I counter that I've been down that road, and little things like facts and science dictate that I no longer buy it, they tell me to "have faith". For example, faith is supposed to make me overlook evolution ("It's just a theory!" "Scientists can be wrong!").

On the drive home from my parent's house last Friday, I hit some bad weather. It sucked and I was a little freaked out by the horrendous winds and snow. I needed a distraction from my impending doom, so I set my radio to WLS and caught a chunk of the Sean Hannity talk show. I figured I could channel my fear into rage and keep my car on the road.

Sean was discussing global warming and the fact that he doesn't believe we humans are responsible for it ("It's just a theory!" "Scientists can be wrong!"). Then a woman called in and mused that even if global warming is some kind of "cockamamie lefty propaganda designed to hurt capitalism" (to paraphrase Mr. Hannity), shouldn't we err on the side of caution just in case? In essence, shouldn't we have faith that the scientists are correct. Either way, we win by taking an active role in preserving our planet.


Maybe I'm grasping at straws here. It just struck me that both sides are essentially asking the other side to do the same thing: Have faith that the other is right.

Of course, this is coming from someone who neither goes to church nor recycles, so both sides hate me.

At least they can agree on something.

Invasion of the Clutter Snatchers

Today the pod people finally came to pick up my stuff. No, not those pod people--the storage unit people.

I slacked big time in getting this taken care of, and I shudder to think what got ruined because of it. Those storage units sat out there for 6 weeks, 3 major snows and a whole lot of sub-zero temperatures. Can olive oil freeze?

The owner of the storage place has been calling me for the last couple of weeks, asking when I wanted the units picked up. I kept putting him off because I didn't feel like thinking about it. My husband finally chipped the ice away from the perimeter this morning and the big metal boxes full of our stuff are on their way to some secret underground lair to be watched over by magical yet fierce unicorns until we are ready to move into our new house....or something like that.

We got back the part of our driveway that my husband usually parks his behemoth of a car on. (I know it's a crappy picture, but I didn't feel like to looking for a better one.) Of course, it is costing me $100 a month to store the units (and most likely some hidden bullshit charges on top of that) for the privilege.

Up side: About 90% of the clutter in my house has been eliminated by utilizing those storage pods.

Down side: Eventually, they are going to make us take it all back.


I hope the unicorns take good care of my stuff.

Stupid parents

Today was a snow day. School was cancelled and my husband even came home early from the shop (an extremely rare occurence). The whole city is like a ghost town. I have a five foot snow drift in front of my garage. I won't be going anywhere until one of the following happens: A) the snow melts, B) some kind soul comes to offer his snowblowing services (which sounds awfully dirty if you ask me), or C) we buy our own snowblower.

None of these things is likely to happen anytime soon.

Just for shits and giggles, I called around to a few places to see if they actually had any snowblowers, or snowthrowers as I just found out they are sometimes called, left. Snowthrower makes a hell of a lot more sense than snowblower. Think about it.

Of course every place I called was clean out, but no one laughed at me for asking so that was nice.

We spent the day lounging and eating too much as I am want to do during blizzard conditions (like I need an excuse). It was just a casual, relaxing day.

I considered getting us all bundled up to play outside, but the winds were whipping something fierce. It was kind of scary out there if you want to know the truth (and I know you do). We had to actually force my dogs to go outside to do their "bidness". They're Pugs though, not a breed known for its hardiness or bravery in treacherous conditions.

The 40mph gusts did not stop my neighbors' kids from playing outside. My husband spotted a couple of them across the street frolicking sans gloves. C'mon people!

Granted, they don't appear to be the smartest family on the planet, but I would think a little common sense would seep in somewhere between WWE Saturday Night and NASCAR marathons.

It's cold and windy and fucking ass COLD! Make sure your kids wear gloves and hey, maybe a hat, when it's this cold outside.

A second example of parental asshattery came in the form of a Sprout short. In between shows, they do this, for lack of a better term, birthday shout out. Parents can send in homemade cards and the host reads them on air. It's cute and all, but kind of obnoxious especially when they play this thinly-disguised version of "Happy Birthday" (sung by Elmo himself!). It's terrible and it has a way of sticking in my head for days on end.

The cards though, they are heartwarming in an 'old episode of Little House on the Prairie' kind of way. Some day I will get it together enough to send one in that is so amazingly sickeningly syrupy in nature, they won't be able to stop themselves from showing it. I can't do it for one kid and not the other, so I'll probably just make it for myself. Won't I feel special?

Today, one of the cards they read was for a two year old. I don't remember where he's from or even what his name was, but I do know this: his parents should be ashamed of themselves right now.

On the front of the adorably decorated birthday card were intricate cut outs and little drawings of birthday candles. It appeared that someone took a lot of time putting it together. The inside was a picture of the cute-as-a-button birthday boy. Awwww. Then Host Guy closed the card and showed the front of it to camera again. That's when I saw it (and saw it three more times thanks to my DVR capabilities).

"YOUR 2!!"

I'm assuming they get hundreds, if not thousands of these handmade birthday cards every week, and they pick one with a spelling error?

Don't the higher-ups at Sprout (a subsidiary of PBS forchrissakes!!) that grammar and spelling nerds like myself are writhing in pain over this? What the fuck people?

OK, I know I have been known to screw up a little grammar here and there. I also know that I use commas out the wazoo, but at least I'm trying. I'm all about spell check and if I think I might be using a word or phrase wrong (see above: "...want to do..."), you bet your ass I'm googling or thesaurus.com-ing it.

"Your 2".

No. Just no.

Hold me

We are under a Winter Storm Warning until tomorrow night.

I hate this shit. I hate winter. I hate snow. Most of all, I hate going to the grocery store in front of a forecast like this.

Don't get wrong. I like to be prepared. If I know we're going to be stuck in the house for a couple of days, I make sure we have some snacky-snacks, ingredients for wholesome hot dinners and shit to do that isn't watching television. Not that I don't let my kids watch TV. I do, and plenty of it.
I just know that if the girls go over the recommended daily allowance of Sprout or Noggin, they start getting twitchy, and no one wants that. I do try to balance TV watching with other stuff. We do crafts from time to time. Usually we have great fun (though we have all agreed never to speak of the Great Glitter Fiasco of 06).

I hate having to deal with people I don't normally have to deal with at the store. I usually have the girls with me and it's not their favorite thing to do, even if we get the big plastic cart shaped like a butterfly or car. That thing is a bitch to steer and half the time they want to get out and walk anyway.

Today, I caught a break and got to go by myself. Because I am so lame, this is a huge treat for me. Normally, I go during the week in the middle of the day. Most people are at work so it's generally other stay-at-home moms and old people to deal with. Old people tend to stay out of the way, occasionally stopping to tsk tsk a badly behaved child. The other moms with kids are too busy dealing with their own meltdowns and whining to notice mine.

Today, since there is apparently an Apocalypse-worthy snowstorm coming, everyone decided to go to the grocery store. Everyone also decided that they were more important than me since they were taking time away from their cubicle to buy 8 loaves of bread and 12 gallons of milk all at once. Amateurs.

I was enjoying a leisurely stroll down the aisles, sans children when I heard the distinct swish of polyester on polyester coming up fast from behind.

"Excuse me! I'm in a very big hurry."

Oh, by all means Sue from accounts payable, let me get my lazy ass out the way. By the way, the hair dye is in aisle 11 unless orange roots and crunchy white ends is the look you were going for.

Another thing I hate about getting copious amounts of snow is the fact that my kids immediately want to go out and play in it. Playing in the snow is fun for me for about 10 minutes. Unfortunately my children disagree. They would stay out there until dark if I would let them. The last big snow we got, my two year old screamed and cried, snot pouring out of her red, half-frozen nose, when I dragged her inside by the leg of her snow suit. Not even my homemade-not from a mix, hot chocolate would calm her down.

The way I see it, playing outside in the snow and freezing my ass off is still preferable to trying to navigate slick roads in order to get my girls to preschool. I'm hoping we get enough of the white stuff to shut school down.

I say, if it's going to snow, bring it the fuck ON. I've got enough tortilla chips and salsa, meat, and construction paper to get us through to next weekend.