Jesus Meme

Ms. Katie wants to know what I would do if Jesus came aknockin', and I am pleased to share my answer.

First of all, he would probably ring the door bell, which would piss me off. No one who knows me well uses the front door. (dirty joke ahead...wait...here it comes...) All my good friends use the back door.

The door bell ringing would send my dogs into a frenzied rage until Jesus crossed the threshold into my home, at which time they would commence their usual violent tongue wagging and pleas for belly rubs.

I would probably offer him something to drink and maybe a bowl of water for his donkey who is welcome to stay in the yard.

My older daughter would most likely force him into a game of My Little Pony Happy Fun Dress Up Time and inevitably ask him if he has a penis.

My younger daughter would most likely stare from a safe distance whilst hiding behind my legs. She doesn't trust men with beards and I can't say that I blame her.

Small talk would be awkward as I'm sure He would already know that I'm an Atheist. I might not ever be convinced by the many Fundies I've encountered in my life, but I could be swayed by a little water-to-wine action on His part.

I'd feel obliged to make Him dinner--fish perhaps? What would Jesus eat?

It wouldn't be fair to keep such a special visitor a secret, so naturally I'd have to drive him around to visit with friends.

"Oh my God!" They would say when they saw who I was with.

"Exactly!" I would reply, cracking myself up.

Maybe we would go shopping. That robe look is so 2,000 years ago. A nice pair of jeans goes a long way in making a man look his best. He's got that long and sinewy thing goin' on--maybe a fitted t-shirt to top of the new ensemble.

Most importantly, I would give him a haircut. Can you imagine the scraggles he has going on? If he would let me, I think a deep conditioner would do him a world of good.

Being married, I don't think my husband would think too highly of me getting any kind of action with The Jeez. I suppose He has the power to erase memories or stop time,so it's not completely out of the cards. I'd almost have to do it. When would I ever get a chance like this again?!

I'm supposed to tag 5 other people:

Tankboy

Grant Miller Media

Glamarama

Blowing Shit Up With Gas

God's Own Suburb

Note: I have no idea why I can't double space the last part of this. What the fuck?

Back to Square One

After much haggling, hemming and hawing, we are back where we started.

We finally agreed to giving them 3% back at closing, and the washer and dryer and the dressers in the attic and everything else on thier list--if they paid the full asking price on the house.

They declined and now we have nothing.

The couple that looked at it yesterday didn't make an offer.

The guy who was supposed to come look at the house today cancelled at the last minute as well.

I could be really upset about all of this. I could feel angry and defeated, but I refuse.

Part of it that the weather keeps getting better and better and I know more buyers will be out looking. Also, as it gets closer to school registration time, people will (hopefully) be in more of a hurry to close the deal.

Fuck it. It'll happen. Someone will buy this house.

Amateur Night

Good news is we got an offer.

Bad news is it was shitty with an extra shitty contingency.

Here's a hint for anyone out there looking to buy a house: Don't ask for a bunch of money back at closing.

They came in waaaay low and then asked for 3% back at closing. They also asked for the washer and dryer and some furniture we have in the attic.

Um...no.

So the dance begins.

We countered and they countered again, and they still wanted that 3% back.

The proverbial ball is in our court now. They didn't give us a time limit for the counter-counter (or would it be the counter-counter-counter? I'm losing count already...).

First of all, they don't need that much money to close--more like half that. They won't need to buy anything for house. We are leaving the fridge, dishwasher, range, window treatments and even an area rug in the dining room. I actually do want them to keep the washer and dryer, but we are trying to use it as leverage. Hell, after talking to my Mother-in-Law about it, they can keep the damn dressers in the attic as well.

Second, there is no way we are going to let go of a chunk of our profit. We're talking over $3,000 here. I never thought we were going to make a pile of money selling this house, but I sure as hell won't be handing over enough money to get us completely out of debt. The plan is to go into the next house with ZERO debt (aside from that hag Sallie Mae, but that bitch will be getting a check a month probably until my own children go to college).

We have a showing scheduled today. Ironically, it is the same realtor who talked another couple out of buying our house. Weird.

There's also another guy interested in a second showing. His sister just happens to have just rented to house next door. He might be coming over today as well.

I told my realtor to make sure they all know we have an offer in. This will either scare them off or, best case scenario, get them to hurry up and make an offer of their own.

It's going to be gorgeous Spring day today. The sun will be shining, the breeze will be gently blowing...

And the squirrels should be scared.

It was worth it

This morning, on my way to the grocery store or "the Jewels" as someone likes to call it, I hit a squirrel.

I saw it running across the road in front of me at the last moment and tapped my breaks to try and avoid him. It didn't work. I heard the unmistakable thud, and when I looked back, his little furry body lay motionless in the street.

I've only hit one other living thing in my entire driving career. It was a hedgehog...I think.

I was driving with my husband one night and, one goddamn block from home, I see this flash of something about .04 of a second before I heard that horrible ka-chunk noise at my front right wheel.

I immediately broke down in sobs, barely making it home. I made my husband go back and make sure the little guy wasn't limping across the road, so he grabbed a shovel on his way out the door.

"What are you going to do with that?!" I blubbered.

"Scrape it off the road and throw it under a bush, of course." He's so romantic.

When he got back he told me that the hedgehog (or whatever it was) was dead and he gave it a proper scraping/bush toss.

Years later he fessed up and told me that it wasn't all the way dead when he got down there, and the shovel became a multi-tasker that night.

Apparently I have become something of a heartless bitch as hitting the squirrel today pissed me off more than upset me. I drive that road at least once a day everyday, and now I am going to have to be reminded of the carnage on a regular basis.

There is an upside to all of this though. Hitting that squirrel may have been just the magic spell to get my house sold. A few hours later, I got a call from my realtor. It seems the people who came to see the house today are most likely going to put in an offer! I don't want to get too excited, but this very well could be it. Who knew all it would take was a little animal sacrifice?

I've been mulling over the idea of hitting a few more puffy-tailed rodents in the hopes of getting over asking price.

Do you think they'll roll 12-sided dice at the reception?

From the paper yesterday:


Dudgeon-Masters

BLOOMINGTON -- Shannon Dudgeon and John Masters, both of Bloomington, are planning a June 30 wedding.
Her parents are Craig and Kristi Covington of Carlock and the late Joseph Dudgeon. His parents are Lyle and Mary Masters of Stanford.

"Hooked on Ejaculation"

BIG LOVE to Katie Schwartz for sending me this little gem. Remember Ladies, if he won't buy you some $2.99 shrimp from Long John Silver, he ain't no real man.

Long, but more than worth it.

Don't be a slave to the penis power

Anatomy 101

I always swore I wouldn't be the type of parent who dumbed down or sugar-coated things for my kids. I mean, there is such a thing as discussing certain topics on an age-appropriate level, but you're never going to hear me utter anything in the realm of "Goldfish/Doggy/Toy, etc. Heaven", and definitely no storks or angels

A couple of years ago Mina got the whole 'girls have a vagina/boys have a penis' spiel.

I'm glad she knows the right words and isn't afraid to use them. Also, sometimes when we're really lucky, it provides a good amount of comedy.

The other night the girls were getting out of the tub when Mina decided we were having a party.

"It's a farty party, Mama!"

My husband and I tried to hide our admittedly immature giggling.

"It's a farty party, farty party, farty party! It's a BUTT party!"

This sent us into all out laughter, which only egged her on more.

"Vagina! Vagina! Penis party, penis party, PEEEEE-NIS!"

Maybe it was the beer I had with dinner, but I was cackling at this point.

Jim joked with her, "I LOVE peanuts!"

"No Daddy! PEE-nis."

"Yeah, peanuts! I think peanuts are great!"

Mina got really angry at this point which only made me laugh harder.

"Don't you know what a penis is, Daddy?! You have a penis!"

After Jim took Audrey out of the bathroom and into her room, Mina sat down next to me looking truly concerned.

"Mama, doesn't he know? You really need to have a talk with Daddy about his penis."