I ran with an insane crowd of people back then. I still hang out with some of them, but our insanity has settled into more of a simmering weirdness.
A lot of these old friends have been posting pictures from "back in the day". Some of them make me laugh my ass off and some of them make me have to catch my breath. I lived a lot of life in those few short years.
By looking at all those old pictures, mostly what I am reminded of is how much of a total dipshit I was.
I tried to explain this on the phone to an old friend the other day. He just laughed and told me that "we were ALL dipshits". I don't know though. That's not exactly how I remember it.
It doesn't help that I still live in the same town that I went to college in. Maybe if I didn't have to drive past the houses and apartments I partied in (or the spaces where the houses and apartments used to be) it wouldn't still be so fresh in my mind.
You'd think with all the mind-altering substances I put into my body during that time I wouldn't be able to remember much, but it's still there.
Don't get me wrong. I had A LOT of fun--probably too much fun. But somewhere in between all that "fun" were some not so pleasant memories. Part of getting older and having to become a "grownup" must be the lingering guilt of the past.
Or is that just me?
I don't think I was a mean person, just thoughtless. Selfish. Self-centered.
If I could go back in time and talk to my 20 year old self, I would tell that person to quit being such a dumb ass. I would tell her to try and think her decisions through to the end instead of demanding instant gratification.
"See that guy? You will come home from a party and find him bleeding in your bed."
"And that guy? He will dump you "to be alone", but introduce you to his new girlfriend about 12 hours later."
"That one? You'll catch him ogling another girl's tits at a party and he'll break up with you when you call him on it. (But he'll make a spectacular fool of himself trying to sleep with her, so it all evens out in the end. And then he'll ask you to take him back by biting the heads off roses and spitting them at your feet at a bar.)
Obviously what's done is done. And things turned out pretty peachy in the end.
I just can't help but think of how much time got wasted getting here.
Besides, I'm pretty sure my 20 year old self wouldn't have listened anyway.
10 comments:
None of us at 20 would ever listen to reason. Remember that when we were that young, we thought we knew it all and old folks just didn't have a clue!
Your friend was right, we were all dipshits. My experience with you back then was that you were nice and a very cool person to know. Your life back then made you the awesome mama you are today, so no regrets!
All that said...Some guy was bleeding in your bed? Yikes!
I knew that 20 year old, and no way ... she wouldn't have listened.
Had she, she wouldn't be where she is now!
Thanks guys. I think I'm just having an (almost) mid-life crisis of conscience.
All I have to do is look at my beautiful little girls...and remember that I get to go through that age two more times! haha
I look at it this way... I (you) wouldn't be where I (you) am (are) today if it wasn't for the things that happened along the way.
Things have definitely turned out peachy! hugs mama!!
Kimmy
you may have to do it 2 more times but this time you have help
I have alot of those same feeling about those days. It was crazy. I don't think I ever thought I would be 35 when I was 20.
Don't be to hard on yourself, we were just kids. My 20 year-old self is more like my 6 year-old son than he is like himself at 35.
You wouldn't have listened. You need a new town. Move! :-)
If I could talk to my 20 year old self, I would tell him to never grow his hair long and to quit wearing sweater vests all the time.
If I could talk to my 20 year old self I'd say ... aw, who am I kidding. I'm still my 20 year old self.
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