Thursday, March 27, 2008

Spring Break: Not what it used to be

I'm this close to building a cagefighting ring in the backyard and selling tickets.

I may need more medication come Summer vacation.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Hey Kids!

We're going to the DMV today!

Isn't this what you wanted to do over your Spring Break? I know I did! I can't wait!

In January, my license expired and I had to renew it. No big deal. I found my way over there on a morning I didn't have any kidlets with me so I could wait in line without having to explain away the weirdos and miscreants who always seem to be there when I am.

The guy at the counter tippity typed up my name into the computer, then told me that there was a problem with my social security number.

Being the paranoid kook I am, I immediately assumed someone had stolen my ID and used it for some kind of illegal activity.

I asked the guy what was up, and he asked me if my name had changed.

Uh...yeah. Almost ten years ago.

So, even though I have renewed or replaced my license at least three times since I received it eighteen years ago, I now needed to get a new social security card to prove I am who I say I am.

Two trips, two weeks and an excavation into the basement "files" and I now have a new social security card with my "real" name on it.

Oh, and when I went in to apply for a new card, I couldn't use my driver's license for identification because it was expired.

I felt like at some point, I was going to cease existing.

The best part is that during all this running around, my plate sticker had expired by about a week.

I was driving around with an expired DL, an expired plate sticker and an invalid social security card.

Jim said that if I got pulled over, not only would they haul me off to jail, it would probably be Guantanamo Bay.

(I thought it would be funny to insert a funny little quip here about how I am "such a terrorist", but then decided that putting all the key words in this post together into a Google search would probably garner me a friendly visit from the FBI...oops, there I go with some more key words).

Luckily, I have a valid passport.

So, it's off to the DMV today, kids in tow.

Light a candle, say a prayer, or just send me some good mojo that the smelly, itchy-looking people aren't in line in back of me. I can only hold off the kiddy-stares for so long.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Could someone clone me?

Today is insane.

Audrey has a birthday party from 12:30 to 3. Mina has a birthday party from 2 to 4:30. Oh, and we have a preschool event from 4 to 7:30 tonight.

I'm going to be going all day.

It was bound to happen. My girls are only 3 years apart, so the time finally came when they both started having mini-social lives.

I think I'm going to go stock up on wrapping paper and ribbon now for the onslaught of gift buying I'll need to do for the next 15 years.

The birthday party Mina is going to is Bratz-themed. Now, we don't do Bratz at our house. Mina knows that. In fact, she was nervous to even show me the invitation which I thought was really cute. She's such a rule follower.

I took the opportunity to show her that while we don't like something, we're not going to judge someone else for liking it (within reason, of course). I made sure to remind her not to start spouting our disdain for those slutty little dolls while at the party.

The invitation stated that they were going to do mini-makeovers. I'm a little nervous what that means but, having chatted with the birthday girl's Mom more than a few times, I'm fairly certain my daughter won't come home looking like a prostitute.

(If she does though, I promise to get photographic proof for future blackmail ammunition).

Wish me luck. It's going to be one hell of a day.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

I will never...

...get my taxes done by a firm that advertises with some dude dressed up as the Statue of Liberty, waving on the side of the road.

...wear sweatpants with writing on the butt. a minivan.

...hear Huey Lewis and the News' "I Want a New Drug" and not want to sing along.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Commence Operation Head Explosion: Top Secret

This August I plan on pulling ahead in delegates for the position of Mom of the Year.

My Mom called me the other day to ask me if we'd like to use my Aunt's extra week at her timeshare condo in Orlando.

I hemmed and hawed about it (per usual).

The money, Jim getting someone to cover the store, boarding the dogs...

Then I realized that we'd be stupid not to do it.

We're getting the timeshare for $150 for the whole week. From what my Mom told me, it's a really nice "resort" type place.

But that's not the best part.

All we're going to tell the girls is that we are "going on vacation with Grandma", just as we have done in years past. They'll be so distracted by all the pools and playing, they won't expect what's coming next.

For the first part of the week, it'll be just the girls, my Mom and I. And for the first couple of days, it'll be just hanging out swimming.

Then we're going to spring the "We're going to Sea World!" spiel on 'em. I looked at the website, and I'm certain they're not going to want to leave that place.

A few days into the trip, Jim is going to show up and surprise the girls.

And it gets better...

Two (or maybe three) days at Disney World!

We took Mina a couple years ago, and she hasn't stopped talking about it since. Audrey was too little to really get anything out it at the time, but she has slowly realized what she missed out on.

The best part of the whole trip is that the girls will have no idea what's going on until we are en route to it.

I've always been such a cynical bitch about certain things, but there is nothing like showing your kid the Mecca that is Disney World for the first time

It's going to be hard to keep this under wraps until August, but it will be SO worth it when I see their faces.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

I've been watching way too much reality television

Suggested titles for forthcoming Pussycat Doll songs:

Look at My Snatch!
Who Wants a Ham Sandwich?
Attention Whores Need Love Too
Best Cocksucker in da House (dance remix)
Doncha' Wish Your Drag Queen Was Hot Like Me?
(Oops) I Forgot my Panties
One Pretty Decent Singer and Some Filler
Hot Nubs

Monday, March 3, 2008

Mmm Mmm Good

I am cooking homemade chicken and noodles. Right now the whole cut up chicken is simmering in water with a variety of seasonings, garlic, onions and carrots.

It smells so good in my house at the moment, I wish I could transfer the aroma through my computer to yours.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Amtrak: Portal to the Underworld

I took a train ride up to Chicago yesterday. The last time I took the train up, it was quite pleasant. Sure the train ran a little late, but 45 minutes wasn't really any bother. Yesterday's train however, ran much much later than that.

I was supposed to be on my merry way at 11:43 in the AM. We didn't push off from the station until close to 3. Once we got moving, things seemed to be fine. Sure, I was three hours later than I had planned but I spoke to my friend up north and we made arrangements for me to get out to her place by Metra. No big.

About an hour into the ride, we stopped. And stay stopped for what felt like an eternity. The natives began their slow descent into insanity.

There were a handful of hairdressers on board who were headed to a big beauty show at McCormick Place. Having been in the business I knew things were going to get rowdy in a hurry.

Next to them was a group of older women celebrating one of their birthdays. They too partook of the 4 dollar cans of Bud in the dining car.

One of the birthday party girls sounded like Britney Spears on a bender. You know how people sound when they make fun of a southern accent? Multiply that by 100 and you'd come close to how cranked up this woman sounded.

Then there was the woman who freaked out on a dude while the both of them stood right next to my seat. It seems that the man (who later revealed he was 48 years old) had made a suggestive remark to one of the woman's preteen daughters.

"If you even look at my daughter I'll cut you up, motherfucker" is one of the more delightful zingers she screamed at him not two feet from my head.

The dude most definitely deserved it. I just wasn't in the mood to be party to any bloodshed at the moment.

Later that same man was "detained" on the lower level for smoking in between cars (during one of our many standstills of the trip) and getting belligerent with a conductor. He was really drunk, and this did not help his case. Nor did him shouting, "I am not some ni***r! Don't treat me like some ni***r!". EEP.

At some point the birthday girls and the hairdressers started calling the Amtrak 800 number to complain about the delay. Nothing is more entertaining than listening to a bunch of drunk yahoos trying to sound sufficiently angry without slurring on the line with some operator who couldn't possibly care less that there was a bunch of drunkards stuck on the track in bumfuck Illinois.

One passenger lamented that she really needed to smoke. I mentally agreed with the sentiment. Redneck Birthday Girl, ever the patron saint of drunkards, had a mini lecture session.

"You shouldn't smoke! You're so young! It makes you stink! It's so EXPENSIVE!"

And the best line of the entire night:

"Think about how much more you could drink with all that money!"

Once we finally started moving the mood lightened a little.

I decided that since I wouldn't have time to get ready before the show, I would pull a cheap hooker move and put my makeup on in the train bathroom. Sometimes I astound myself with the magnitude of my class. Yeah...

After that I decided to go full force and change my clothes, but was then informed no one was allowed downstairs to the bathrooms because of the aforementioned drunk, loud guy being "detained".

I shared my quandry with the hairdressers and they kindly offered to hold up their coats so I could change right there in a seat. Again with the class.

We finally got to Union Station around 7:15. Only about FIVE hours late.

I was just glad it was over.

After some phone tag and some well deserved smoke breaks, I was on my way to meet up at the show.

I ended up having a fantastic time with some wonderful friends.

I'll probably take the train again. I'm a sucker for punishment and really...what else do I have to blog about?

For Your Scrapbook

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I like stuff and things. I've been married for close to 14 years and have two miniature versions of myself running around (and it frightens me most of the time). I have never been nor will I ever be a vegetarian.