Thursday, January 29, 2009

Relatives and sex toys should never ever come up in the same conversation

In the infancy of my 21st year, some friends and I went to New York for our Spring Break.

I have family there who, at the time, lived on the upper west side. Super swank. And they voluntarily allowed us to stay with them. In fact they encouraged it. What were they thinking?

Each night, we'd all have dinner together and they would send the four of us out the door with subway tokens and a map.

"Have fun girls! Be back before dawn...if you feel like it."

We would scan the paper for any good bands playing and haul our gussied up selves to see them.

Naturally we had to hit CBGB's (RIP) and we also ended up at several other places I couldn't find on a map today if I tried. We made friends wherever we went and one night ended up at some dive on Avenue A smoking pot with some whacked out locals. That night I think we laid our collective heads on our pillows just as the sun woke up.

It was a fantastic time. My Aunt and Uncle took such good care of us and we all said a teary goodbye as the vacation ended.

I spoke with my Aunt when I got home and thanked her again for showing us such wonderful hospitality. She said that we forgot a few things at their apartment and she would be sending them to me shortly.

A couple weeks later the package arrived.

Someone left a shirt or something. Maybe there was a tube of mascara in there. My Aunt had also sent me a kick ass messenger bag and t-shirt she thought I would like (and she was right).

I had 7 roommates at the time. We lived in this enormous house and, believe it or not, we all had our own bedrooms. Most everyone was hanging out in the living room the day I got the package so they all watched me open it.

I was so excited about the cool shirt and new bag that I failed to notice the looks of horror and shock slowly taking over my roommates' faces.

I looked up and someone said, "So...your Aunt's pretty laid back, eh?"

"What do you mean?"

Then I looked down at the box.

And saw it.

There, resting gently in a sea of bubble wrap was an unwrapped, presumably used vibrator.

My first thought was that someone in our traveling gaggle had left it there, but who? No one fessed up.

My second and way more disturbing thought was that my Aunt sent it to me as a gift.

I didn't know which was worse: My Aunt handling my friend's vibrator or her thinking of me while cleaning out her stash (like I said, it wasn't packaged or wrapped as if it were new--it already had batteries in it!). Did she think I needed it?

I knew it wasn't mine. I would have said so right away, and I certainly wouldn't have left it at my Aunt's house. Come to think of it, I would not have brought it on (that kind of) vacation at all.

A few days later my Aunt called to make sure the package arrived, and I was terrified she would bring up the giant phallic elephant in the room.

She didn't.

I saw her two summers ago at my cousin's wedding and we email back and forth now and again. I really really want to ask her about it now that more than a decade has passed since the incident.

How exactly would one bring this type of subject up?

Monday, January 19, 2009

You say it's your birthday...

Well, it's my birthday too, yeah.

No, really. It is.

I'm 35 now. Wheeee!

I was going to try and post something deep and introspective but let's face it. I'm not all that deep and introspection is for navel gazing emo boys.

Instead I will share the story of two people from my past who share my same day of birth. One a year younger and one a year older.

First the younger, Mindy (not her real name).

I met Mindy my sophomore year in high school. I don't know how we started hanging out, but it probably had something to do with the fact that we both liked cigarettes, booze and writing (awful awful) poetry.

We thought ourselves deep. No one could possibly understand the depth of our deepness. Oh no.

Sometimes we would meet at the library to study. Studying consisted of us walking down to the 7-11 to buy a Big Gulp of Pepsi to mix with our pilfered whiskey and smoking as many cigarettes as we could suck down.

Mindy was by far the bigger JD which is really saying something because I was no Pollyanna myself. I just never got caught.

Which brings us to our story.

One day Mindy and I were hanging with another acquaintance, Sheila. Sheila was kind of a puppy dog. Didn't really have an opinion about anything and was just happy to be part of the team. Present day, she's probably got a comfortable desk job at Human Resources somewhere.

She was a nice girl. So nice that she gave Mindy and I a bottle of peppermint schnapps she stole from her parents' liquor cabinet to prove...I don't know what she was trying to prove. I do know we happily accepted it and stashed it for later. Mindy and I were going to the football game that night.

I'm not sure why. Maybe we just needed to get out of the house. Maybe there was a boy involved. Doesn't matter. We were going and we were planning on putting away at least some of that bottle beforehand.

Cut to the second quarter of the game. Mindy's leaning on me and not making any sense. As "hardcore" as we thought we were, we really didn't drink much of that bottle. Peppermint schnapps is gross. I didn't want to be drunk that badly.

Unbeknownst to me, Mindy was on some psychiatric medication guessed shouldn't drink with. Hey now! That would have been some useful information. Add to that Mindy drank WAY more than I did.

So, I'm literally holding Mindy up in the stands when I catch the eye of someone who was also in the school play with me at the time. I think he saw the fear in my eyes, and helped me drag her out of there.

I don't know why I thought we could get out of there without attracting the attention of anyone, but 5 minutes later an ambulance was there. It was bad.

I didn't hang out with Mindy much more after that. I'm pretty sure that set a precedent in my mind for my distaste of sloppy drunks. Hold your liquor people. And for the love, learn how to mix your booze and drugs properly. Sheesh.

My other birthday pal was a boy named Jack (again, not his real name). He was a year older than me and went to a different high school.

Jack was "arty" and VERY into himself. I'm embarrassed that I made out with him. He probably pretended he was kissing himself.

After a few weeks of phone calls and a train ride into the city, I decided he was just a little too pouty and flouncy for my taste. But that didn't stop him from writing me letters.

One letter contained pictures he had taken of himself. In women's clothing.

Now, that's all fine and good for him. Kudos to him for being so self aware at 17 to know what he's into.

To my 16 year old self though, this was just way too much.

I wish I still had those pictures. I threw them away for fear my fundie parents would find them and never let me leave the house again.

By the by, I also share a birthday with Kate Moss, Edgar Allan Poe and Janis Joplin.

What is it with me and these tragic figures?

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Want to do a good deed?

Who doesn't need to shore up their karma account?

Audrey's preschool is having a fundraiser. We get 40% of proceeds until January 28th.

Go to and pick A Child's View Cooperative Preschool-IL from the drop down menu at the top right hand corner of the website.

Then buy stuff!

It's good for the environment stuff and it helps out our small parent-run preschool.

When I was looking for a preschool for my girls I had a hard time finding one that wasn't affiliated with a church. Just about every place in town was. When I found A Child's View I was ecstatic. Just the godless liberal haven I was searching for.

Our budget is slim and fundraisers are the only way we can keep chugging along. I'm on the parent board so I know how important these fundraisers are to keep the doors open and the teachers paid (trust me, they work for close to nothing, but love the school and the kids enough to do it anyway).

Now go get to shopping!

If you do buy something, let me know in the comments section so I can lavish you with virtual sloppy kisses and inappropriate touching.


Friday, January 16, 2009

Groundhog Day

You've seen it, right? My life is starting to feel like that movie.

First they cancelled school on Wednesday, then Thursday, then today. And we already had Monday off.
I'm getting a leetle bit stir crazy being in the house this long.

We have been playing the Wii a LOT. The girls' favorite thing to do (beside Mario Party) is make Miis. We have like 4,000 of them now. Mina's have names like Puffy and Sprinkles and Cutie. Audrey can't spell yet so all of hers are named xczvm,k;l and bljpx;l. I think that's Czech, but I could be wrong.

The music has penetrated my soul at this point. The girls are starting to make up words to it.

I like those eyes no
make them bigger pleeeeeease
I don't like her hair no
make it lighter theeerrreee
stop kicking me in the head MOM!
Get off of me! I'm telling!
I'm thirsty Mom, please get us some juice
when is lunch
I am starved
Get your foot off of me
I am going to scream
She needs bigger eyebrows
and some freckles
make her short....

You get the gist.

Soon it's going to be like another movie around here.

The Shining.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


I'm digging it.

hahahahahaha...whoo boy. The jokes just don't stop around here.

My favorite part of a snow day is when the snow plow comes down my street and puts a a two foot snow drift at the end of the driveway--the driveway I just shovelled.

Good times.

I hear we're supposed to get more tonight in addition to painful subzero wind chill factors.

As I was scooping out the artic shelf at the end of my driveway, I noticed that my neighbor hadn't touched his yet.

Normally this particular neighbor has his shit down to the pavement before I've finished my first cup of coffee.

He's well past retirement age, but in fantastic shape. I see him riding his bike all over the neighborhood all the time and once in the pouring rain. He may be old, but I guarantee he's no slouch.

What does he know that I don't?

I'm not touching the driveway until tomorrow even if the wind fucks up all my hard work. I don't plan on going anywhere until I absolutely have to.

I'm off to go make the requisite snow day hot chocolate and get a fire going in the fireplace.

Monday, January 12, 2009

New and Improved

Hey look! Didya' see it? My new header there?

It must be "Be Nice to Bacon Lady" today because a certain someone sent me my rockin' new blog header up there.

Cool, right?

If he lived closer I would totally make him a big plate of these.

Instead of salad I would fill them with more bacon.

College was way more fun the first time around

I've got Mommy Guilt.

I've always hated that term.

I started my math adventure this morning. After a brief bout of nausea and some cold sweats I've decided that I am going to kick this class's ass. I have to just get over the fact that I haven't taken a math class since my sophomore year in college and I'm way out of practice. It probably doesn't help that that last math class was statistics and I was chemically altered for much of it.

I passed it though. I think I got a C. He must have been grading on one hell of a curve.

Because my class starts at 8am Mondays and Wednesdays, I cannot drive the girls to school those days.

It's not that Jim is incapable of covering that duty either. He pulls his weight around here in spades. I'm lucky that his work schedule allows him to do it too.

I just can't over the fact that I feel like I am shirking my responsibility as a Mom.

I quit my job to stay home with my girls almost 4 years ago. It's a decision I never saw myself making. However, though I want to hide in the bathroom with a bottle of bourbon some days, it's been one of the best choices I've ever made.

I know how lucky I am to have that choice in the first place. I know that going back to school is important and that, again, I am lucky to have the choice to do it. I know all this, but because it is something that is just for me, I feel guilty.

I guess in the big picture, this is not all for me. Once I am done with this degree then (hopefully) the next, I will be in position to have a new career to provide a future for my kids that doesn't include student loans and money worries.

My furthering my education is not only a benefit to me, but to my girls. Also, once I have a real live paycheck with health insurance benefits, I can lighten the load on my husband. I know it doesn't seem like a dude who runs a comic book store would work his ass off, but he does. He might have a great time doing it, but he pours a lot of himself into it.

He doesn't worry about money like I do which is good. He plays the straight man to my neurotic kookoopants around here. I know money shouldn't matter, but it sure seems to when you're not real sure if it's going to be there when you need it.

We have a home, food on the table and the utility bills paid so I shouldn't complain. And I'm not. I just get nervous about the state of the economy right now. People don't put comic books high up on their list of "needs", so I know the bottom could fall out at any moment.

And maybe that all ties with the guilt I am feeling. I'm spending money to go back to school when we should be saving as much as we can in case the well dries up. But I need to go back to school to get a job to have money to save.

Blabbity blah blah.

Just tell me to get over it already.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Maybe I just need a Valium?

I need a fucking vacation.

I feel like I have been in the house for months on end. Part of it is the weather I guess. Part of it is the fact that the girls never stop talking. There is a running commentary on EVERYTHING every second they are here and awake. It's usually them arguing over something really stupid too. I would never tell them that (mostly because "stupid" is a bad word around here...unless we are discussing the current administration), but I do try to explain that they can BOTH be the goddamned sparkly princess dragon fairy ferchrissakes.

I can't send them outside to run off some of this pent up energy either. It's just too damn cold. Even if I did bundle them up and send them out, there isn't even any snow to play in. They'd just want to come back inside after a few minutes anyway. And I wouldn't blame them.

Tomorrow is Sunday and the only day off Jim gets. Ever. I told him that I really need to leave the house BY MYSELF for a couple of hours. Seeing the crazed look in my eye, he wholeheartedly agreed.

Winter is really getting to me this year.

What I'd really really like to do is drop the kids off at Grandma's house and hop a plane to somewhere sunny and warm for a long weekend with Jim...but that costs money we don't have.

I just signed up for the Delta Skymiles American Express credit card. I got the offer in the mail and, even though I dropped a no credit card rule bomb 'round here before Xmas, I might need to use it at the dogs' vet appointment next month.

The bill usually hits around the $600 mark when it's all said and done. I don't have that kind of dough right now and I can't bring myself to skip their annual exams. If I don't get it done they won't get their shots and tags. I can't board them without that which means we can't go out of town overnight.

I got a free "companion ticket" for signing up for the card and I'll get enough miles for a free domestic round trip if I spend $500 on it in the first three months (or something like that).

I haven't read all the fine print on how exactly this deal works, but I'm thinking we might have a couple of plane tickets to burn here in the next couple of months.

Maybe I will actually get this vacation.

Where should we go?

Florida? Vegas? New Orleans? The Gulf Coast?

Friday, January 9, 2009

I can hear the four horsemen on the horizon...

My Mom has a facebook profile.

This afternoon I got a friend request thing from my brother. That's all fine and good. Considering the fact that he made fun of me for having one (his exact words were, "Aren't you a little OLD to have one of those?"), I was a bit suprised he took the plunge.

He's been all over the world, did a Peace Corps stint and still travels to exotic places for his job, so it only made sense for him to join the big social experiment in order to keep up with all of his worldly friends.

Apparently he used the email search function to find people he knows because my mother got one too.

I called her this afternoon to tell her my embarrassing story of the day.

I totally wiped out walking to my car after having lunch with Jim and Audrey today. I slipped on some mud or something. Not quite sure exactly how, but I do know that I feel pretty crappy right now and I have a hole in the knee of my new-ish jeans.

"Oh by the way," mi madre says, "Daniel has one of those facebook things. I signed up to see his pictures."

" A face whatnow?"

"Facebook. You know. You put pictures and stuff up on it."

"Oh, right. Good for him."

"Yeah, good for him."

"Next thing you know, he'll be writing a blog! That would be weird. Only weird people have blogs."

"Take it easy today OK?"

"OK, Mom. I think I'll take a bath when Jim gets home. Just a bath. No facebook stuff or blogging. Blogging is for losers."

"Uh...OK honey. Kiss the girls for me and...think about taking a nap."

Monday, January 5, 2009

Ten Honest Things

1. I cannot stand when people are late, absent any good reason. And even with a good reason I still get irked. This was especially maddening when I was doing hair in a salon.
When I am late for something I just about have a full on panic attack. If I'm not ten minutes early, in my mind, I am late.

2. I also cannot stand when people chew with their mouth open or slurp their drink.

3. I hate when my feet feel dry and scratchy, especially if I have to walk barefoot across cement. BLECH!

4. I love taking baths. It's like a hobby of mine. If I don't feel good either mentally or physically, a super hot bath always fixes me right up.

5. I use sugar and both powdered and liquid creamer in my coffee (all at the same time) when I drink it at home.

6. I am turning 35 in a couple of weeks and I am not happy about it. This is the first birthday that is bumming me out, and I hope it's not a pattern because there's not turning back the clock.

7. I am having a hard time with sending my youngest off to kindergarten in the fall. It's not that she's not mentally ready. She's just so tiny for her age and I'm worried she'll get run over by all the other kids. Hopefully having a big sister will have taught her the proper way to throw an elbow without getting caught.

8. I love love love reading true crime novels (or "murder books" as my husband calls them). I'm also obsessed with the television equivalent. When I found the ID channel I about peed myself with excitement.

9. Ever since I was old enough to read and write I've wanted to be a (paid) writer. It doesn't look like that's happening any time soon so blogging is the next best thing. I'll take what I can get.

10. I love my family. Some days I wonder how the hell I got here, but I am so happy I did. Without them and my wonderful friends, I would most likely be the subject of one of those books or TV shows I love so much. I wish I was kidding.

Big ups to Alice at Mindless Rambling of a 26 Year Old for this prestigious award (seriously, she sent a fruit basket and day spa gift certificates with it. What? You didn't get yours?).

I'm supposed to tag some people to continue the gut spilling. I can only think of two people off the top of my head that would really really get into this.

Earth Muffin and Astroboy.

Get to work, bitches!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

And not a single bra in my freezer

Mina hosted her first slumber party last night.

They had fun. I survived.

I took some adorable pictures, but I feel weird posting photos of other people's kids without their permission. Getting their permission would mean letting them read this blog. Letting them read this blog would mean my kid probably wouldn't be invited to any more play dates.

So, no so cute your face will fall off pictures. Sorry.

The two girls Mina invited over arrived promptly at 5pm and immediately made a mad dash for Mina's room to play. Santa brought Mina a kiddie makeup set for Christmas, so they made short work of that right away.

I told Santa I wasn't really down with first graders wearing makeup, but he told me to loosen up a bit. It's only for fun. No one's entering Mina into a beauty contest. No harm. No foul.

Jim had a thing in Chicago so I suggested he take Audrey to my parent's house to avoid any bickering between her and her sister. They get along for the most part, but I know that when one has their friends over, all bets are off. Mina got to have her little party without competing for attention and Audrey got Grandma and Papa all to herself. Everybody wins!

My friend Lauren came over for the first part of the night. She's the art teacher at one of the local elementary schools. It was nice to not only have another adult there to hang with, but an adult who is used to dealing with kids in groups.

I know how to deal with my own kids. They know I do not take whining or bullshit or general dumbfuckery lightly. When you add two other kids I'm not raising into the mix, I'm always afraid of permanently scarring someone.

I fed them dinner, fed them brownies, let them loose on some pre-prepared craft supplies and gave them full reign on pretty much whatever they wanted to do.

This when I realized that having an odd number at a slumber party isn't such a hot idea.

They have such different personalities that it was inevitable that someone was getting left out.

Mina can get along with pretty much anyone, but I could tell she was being pulled back and forth between her two guests.

One is quiet and thoughtful. She would rather sit and color and do crafty stuff and chat. Mina is all about making art. They get along famously.

The other girl is loud and likes to do a million things at once. Mina is all about being loud and raucous. They get along famously.

It's the dynamic between the two guests that didn't go so well.

The loud girl kept snarking at the quiet girl. Not cool.

The loud girl kept trying to tell Mina secrets while leaving the quiet girl out of it. Double not cool.

I could see Mina trying to please both of them, to keep both of them happy and it was killing me not to tell the loud girl to cut the bullshit.

I tried to stay close enough to ward off hurt feelings, but I also thought they needed to work some stuff out on their own.

It got to be 9:30 and I was dropping big ol' hints that they needed to start thinking about going to bed.

Mina usually goes to be at 7:30, even on the weekends. She's 7 years old. She needs her sleep, period.

I finally got them to lay down at 10 pm.

I think I was asleep by 10:05.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

How NOT to be famous in my town

Playwright Fail

The Wrong Stuff

The Notebook...if it was the ones cops carry to write you tickets

For Your Scrapbook

My photo
I like stuff and things. I've been married for close to 14 years and have two miniature versions of myself running around (and it frightens me most of the time). I have never been nor will I ever be a vegetarian.