Saturday, December 29, 2007

My blog is sluttier than your blog

Recent searches that led to my blog:

bacon shoes
puke up for a living
why gay porn is better
i just need to eat some pussy
gay porn blogspot contact me
bacon tattoos
voice overs fuck you
holy infant so tender and mild

And my personal favorite:

how to fuck a Barbie

I think they get it from their Dad

While I was cleaning up from making cookies yesterday afternoon, my children managed to tie their butts together.

Mina took a string belt off of one of her dresses and tied one end to the crotch of her underwear and the other to the crotch of her sister's underwear.

After freeing them, Mina shared some of her inner thoughts with me.

"Mama if I was a zombie, I would feast on your brain."

They really are good girls, bright girls and not prone to these types of things often. When they do get on a roll however, it's pretty much a wealth of hilarity.

The other night at dinner, Mina told me that she decided she loved Alex in addition to Matthew R.

"Well," I told her, "You can't marry both Matthew and Alex. You'll have to choose between them."

"No Mama," (eyeroll), "I"ll marry Matthew R. and Alex will be my boyfriend!"

Friday, December 28, 2007

Just like the Girl Scouts, but drunker

For the record, Jim and I had a fantastic time at the little get together.

The bar was a hoot-just the type of place Jim has wet dreams about turning our extra room off the garage into.

When we first got there, I told the hostess that we were meeting a group of people. When she asked me who, I felt a metaphorical puddle forming at my feet. Aside from Grant (who, as I previously mentioned, I haven't seen in person in about 16 years), I didn't know anyone. And Grant hadn't arrived yet.

Sure, I've commented on their blogs and maybe seen a quick spapshot in a post or two, but I felt a growing sense of panic at the thought of tapping the wrong person on the shoulder.

"Hi, I write a blog. Am I here to meet you?"

I decided the gregarious group at the bar looked friendly enough not to laugh in my face.

"Um, hello. This is going to sound really weird, but who are you here to meet?"

She turned out to be the fabulously warm and easy-to-talk to MizBubs (who, if you don't know by now, is one sexy mama).

The drinks were holyshitstrong and by about 11, I was taking my shoes off to ensure my upright status.

It was such a cool experience to meet a bunch of people who, up until that night, were kind of like imaginary friends to me--the proverbial "girlfriend in the Niagra Falls area".

There's been so many times I've read what someone wrote and thought, "We could totally hang out and get drunk together!". And lookee loo, I got to do just that with a handful of 'em!

I'm really glad we went. I know Jim was more apprehensive about what the night would bring as he was even less familiar with those in attendance, but I know he had a good time too. I can tell he's having fun when his voice gets louder accompanied by wild arm gestures (of course, that also means he's drunk, but who's counting?).

You can read all about the evening (and see some photos) here and here.

P.S. I am taking part in some guest blogging, along with a host of others, at Grant Miller Media. Stay tuned.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Party Crasher

What am I doing tonight, you ask?

I'm getting gussied up and driving to lovely(?) River Grove to attend a gathering of a bunch of people I don't know (yet)...except for Grant but I haven't seen him for oh, about 16 years.

I'll be the overdressed redhead downing drinks, taking pictures and trying not to embarrass my husband.


Monday, December 24, 2007

More goddamned xmas cheer

We had a big fancy photo shoot here a few weeks ago to try and get a shot for the our cards. The girls loved it because I did their hair and even let them wear the teensiest amount of makeup. Mina got pissed that I wouldn't let her wear my red lipstick and we almost had to scrap the whole thing. Luckily she let it go when I showed her the obnoxious dress my Mom bought her.

Here is the undedited version of the picture that went out with the cards. I picked it because the look on Audrey's face pretty much encapsulates her entire being. The shit-eating grin and twinkle of evil in her eye was what clinched it.


Sunday, December 23, 2007

Merry CHRISTmas!

No taking the Christ out of Christmas here. No siree.

I can't wait to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour by opening presents, chowing down and getting deee-runk. Wahoo!

An invitation was extended to The Sweet Baby Jesus to partake with us, but He's a bit busy around this time. His Mother's always harping that he never visits, so He takes time out (on His damn birthday of all days) to go over to her house.
He gets to endure hours of "You look so skinny! Aren't you eating?" and "You never call!" and "When are you going to go back and get your degree? You coulda' been a doctor, but NOOOOOO. You had to give it all away to help all those people who don't even like you."

He promised he'd show up for a spell on New Year's Eve. I'm sure He'll need a stiff one after dealing with The Blessed Virgin from Hell.

I just hope he doesn't pull another party foul like last year. Seems Jesus turned a little bit too much water into wine, and started yelling at everyone. He's a mean drunk, if you didn't know.

"Crucify me, motherfuckers! I can totally come back from the dead! DUUUUUDE, I invented Christmas! DO IT, or I will smite you!"

It was really embarrassing. More embarrassing that realizing that he wasn't wearing anything under the robe.

Merry Happy!

Love in Christ and Bacon,

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Kind of makes me want to eat some pussy and have an abortion just to spite them

A friend forwarded this to me. You've probably seen it by now but just in case, here you go: - Watch more free videos

It goes without saying that the last bit breaks my heart into a million pieces. Hate breeding hate. My skin is crawling. Lovely.

I have to wonder what the upside down Canadian flag has anything to do with the song. Does God only hate Canada? I thought he hated the whole world.

And really, if we are doomed to the everlasting pits of hell anyway, why are they bothering to tell us. Isn't it too late to save our heathen souls?

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I need a hug

The world's abuzz with the news of another Spears baby. Big whoop. I've got a bigger scoop.

Mina's getting married.

She informed me of the impending nuptials as we walked to the car after school today.

I should have known something was up when I saw her hanging out next to him after school the other day. She wouldn't leave until he gave her a piece of gum, and she seemed a little too giddy over it.

It all starts with gum, doesn't it?

His name is Matthew R., and they are planning way ahead. It seems they want to marry each other when "they are bigger". It was discussed and agreed upon at recess.

Someone get me a fucking valium because I am so not ready for this.

Mina told me that her friend Caeli (gawd, I hate the "unique" spellings some parents come up with) is going to marry Hunter as well--and they've kissed.

KISSED! In Kindergarten! What.the.fuck?

Mina denies any lip smacking, and she'd better not be lying.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that just a week ago Mina was telling me that she doesn't ever want to get married and plans on adopting a bunch of babies that I apparently will help her raise.

How did this happen? They are SIX years old.

Tomorrow is the big "Holiday" party in their classroom. I plan on giving this Matthew R. the once over.

I suppose I need to check out my future son-in-law. I hope he has nice teeth.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Adventures in Womanhood

I was going to write about my trip to the ER on Sunday night.

I was going to tell you all about how my uterus decided to hate me and bring forth a tsunami of wrongness.

I was going to tell you about my amazingly kick ass friend, Rachel, who drove me to the ER and sat with me watching Snapped, waiting several hours for the nurses and doctor to come in and check me out.

I was even going to tell you about the twelve year old-looking "man" who walked in and scared me half to death by making me think he was my doctor (he was the insurance guy--WHEW!).

But I won't. No one wants to read about that.

Instead, I'll share the video below (stolen from Project Rungay). If you watch Project Runway, you'll appreciate it. If not...well, it's fantastic anyway.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Elves are Watching

Mina wants two things for Christmas:


We spent a few minutes this morning looking them up online.

I told her that she could ask Santa, but I wasn't sure if he would bring both of them (why does she have to have such expensive taste?).

I'm pretty sure I'll get her the talking parrot even though the squawking will drive me to drink. The Fuzz Luv thing may or may not happen. I've seen them priced anywhere from 39.99 to 99.99. Do I really want to spend that much on something else that makes noise?

It could be worse. Last year, both girls begged for THIS.

Lucky for me, they've since set their sites lower.

Part of me knows that I could bring home a bunch of refrigerator boxes and they'd be happy as pie.

After explaining to Mina that Santa doesn't always bring everything we ask for, she pulled me aside to share some inside information:

"Mama, I need to tell you something."

"What's that?"

"Mama, the elves watch us to find out if we are good or bad, and they tell Santa. I've been good, so they looked on your computer to see what I want and they went back to the workshop to make me those toys."

Creepy, right?

I'm picturing a hoard of little elves carrying out some sort of covert focus group. They sneak into the house while we're sleeping, carrying clipboards and 'thinking outside the box'.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Restoring my faith in humankind

This morning I dropped Mina off in front of her school like usual. We can't use the circle drive that goes right up to the school as it is only for buses and daycare vans. We parents all have to haphazardly pull up along a drop off lane, leaving the kids to walk across the lawn or sidewalk to get into the front door.

Usually it's not a problem. Sometimes one of Mina's classmates is getting dropped off at the same time and she walks in with them, but she's fine doing it by herself.

Today though, with the ice and sleet we've been getting, the walk was a bit treacherous. They hadn't salted the sidewalks yet (which pissed me off), so I told Mina to walk through the frozen grass so she wouldn't slip.

She was having quite a time of it, not trusting her balance on the crunchy, icy grass. I saw the panic on her face as she crept forward at a snail's pace, arms outstretched and wobbly. I was just about to find a parking spot on a side street to go help her when an older girl ahead of her (who I found out later, Mina did not know before), looked to be a 5th grader, stopped and turned around.

I saw her bend down and say something to Mina before taking her hand and helping her the rest of the way.

I know there are a lot of snotty preteens floating around. I've heard the horror stories of girls starting puberty at 10, complete with PMS and attitude. I've seen them out in public, sassing their mothers, rolling their eyes.

But this was the exact opposite of that.

I only wish I could find out that girl's name so I could call her parents to tell them what a great job they're doing, and how that one small act of kindness completely made my day.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

My kid is weird

Why, with a whole couch, two chairs and two ottomans to choose from, does my six year old insist on sitting/laying on the coffee table?

Monday, December 3, 2007

The Shakes

My husband's laptop died so he took mine to work with him on Friday and I just got it back last night.

For Your Scrapbook

My photo
I like stuff and things. I've been married for close to 14 years and have two miniature versions of myself running around (and it frightens me most of the time). I have never been nor will I ever be a vegetarian.