Thursday, January 29, 2009

Relatives and sex toys should never ever come up in the same conversation

In the infancy of my 21st year, some friends and I went to New York for our Spring Break.

I have family there who, at the time, lived on the upper west side. Super swank. And they voluntarily allowed us to stay with them. In fact they encouraged it. What were they thinking?

Each night, we'd all have dinner together and they would send the four of us out the door with subway tokens and a map.

"Have fun girls! Be back before dawn...if you feel like it."

We would scan the paper for any good bands playing and haul our gussied up selves to see them.

Naturally we had to hit CBGB's (RIP) and we also ended up at several other places I couldn't find on a map today if I tried. We made friends wherever we went and one night ended up at some dive on Avenue A smoking pot with some whacked out locals. That night I think we laid our collective heads on our pillows just as the sun woke up.

It was a fantastic time. My Aunt and Uncle took such good care of us and we all said a teary goodbye as the vacation ended.

I spoke with my Aunt when I got home and thanked her again for showing us such wonderful hospitality. She said that we forgot a few things at their apartment and she would be sending them to me shortly.

A couple weeks later the package arrived.

Someone left a shirt or something. Maybe there was a tube of mascara in there. My Aunt had also sent me a kick ass messenger bag and t-shirt she thought I would like (and she was right).

I had 7 roommates at the time. We lived in this enormous house and, believe it or not, we all had our own bedrooms. Most everyone was hanging out in the living room the day I got the package so they all watched me open it.

I was so excited about the cool shirt and new bag that I failed to notice the looks of horror and shock slowly taking over my roommates' faces.

I looked up and someone said, "So...your Aunt's pretty laid back, eh?"

"What do you mean?"

Then I looked down at the box.

And saw it.

There, resting gently in a sea of bubble wrap was an unwrapped, presumably used vibrator.

My first thought was that someone in our traveling gaggle had left it there, but who? No one fessed up.

My second and way more disturbing thought was that my Aunt sent it to me as a gift.

I didn't know which was worse: My Aunt handling my friend's vibrator or her thinking of me while cleaning out her stash (like I said, it wasn't packaged or wrapped as if it were new--it already had batteries in it!). Did she think I needed it?

I knew it wasn't mine. I would have said so right away, and I certainly wouldn't have left it at my Aunt's house. Come to think of it, I would not have brought it on (that kind of) vacation at all.

A few days later my Aunt called to make sure the package arrived, and I was terrified she would bring up the giant phallic elephant in the room.

She didn't.

I saw her two summers ago at my cousin's wedding and we email back and forth now and again. I really really want to ask her about it now that more than a decade has passed since the incident.

How exactly would one bring this type of subject up?

18 comments:

Bubs said...

I suggest simple, direct and respectful:

"Hey, remember that time me and my friends stayed at your place? Gosh, that was a wonderful time, and so nice of you to have us. So, what was the deal with that vibrator you mailed me? Did one of my friends leave it, or was it yours and you wanted to get rid of it, or what? Been bothering me for years..."

Scope said...

Since I doubt you still have it 14 years later, mailing it back isn't possible.

So the next best thing is to send her a belated thank you note, mentioning that it died this week, and you thought she might like to know.

And what the hell is the story?

SkylersDad said...

Write a nice note full of junk about the weather and inane babble, and slip it right into the middle.

"...blah, blah, been cold lately, why did you send me a vibrator? thinking about reupholstering the couch, blah blah..."

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I'd let it lie.

Little Jimmy Miracle said...

blame it on the least likely, that way you get to enjoy some embarrassment outrage

Some Guy said...

If you truly want to know, I'd go with Bubs suggestion.

Earth Muffin said...

If your aunt really is cool and you really want to know, I'd go with Bubs suggestion as well.

How funny!

And you never did say what you ended up doing with it.

Love Leah said...

Well, I would definitely ask about it!!! But I might avoid suggesting it was her old vibrator. Gross... :P

Alice said...

That is awesome!!! Once my baby sister she was 3 it the time went into my room and stole mine...brought it to my mom...I was about 19 so yeah that was a great coversation but whatever we laugh now....you should totally bring it up!!!

By the way you have an award at my blog

Scope said...

Good morning! I was a name dropping fool in my 100-4-100 post, and I mentioned you. (Yes, it's a clever little way to pimp my blog today!) Come on over.

Grant Miller said...

An Xmas card seems appropriate.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

If you are unable to figure out an appropriate way to ask her, please send me her email address and/or phone number and I will ask her myself. Of course you will be the first to know what she tells me.

If/when you find out on your own without my assistance, please let me know immediately why your aunt sent you a used vibrator.

Waiting for the answer will be unbearable.

Thanks.

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I like stuff and things. I've been married for close to 14 years and have two miniature versions of myself running around (and it frightens me most of the time). I have never been nor will I ever be a vegetarian.