Apparently my whole family wants to go the hospital this weekend

I did my part and Audrey decided to do hers.

I got a call last night at about 5 that my in laws were bringing the girls back home. Audrey was screaming bloody murder about her ears hurting. She was inconsolable.

I figured she'd fall asleep on the ride here from Peoria but I guess she just whimpered the whole way.

When she got here and I saw her I wanted to cry right along with her. She looked so pathetic.

I gave her some Motrin and waited, but she didn't seem to feel any better.

Being 7pm on a Sunday night, I figured I'd take her to the ER and hope they could help us out.

Audrey fell asleep in the car on the way there. I had to make a "Mom Call".

Do I turn around and hope she stays asleep until tomorrow when the Prompt Care opens?

All it took to stay was picturing a 3am scream fest that would send us right back out into the 5 degree weather.

I woke her up and asked her how she felt. Her ears still hurt and the tears started again, so we checked in for our two hour wait.

For a kid who is miserable with a double ear infection, the little Bean was in pretty good spirits.

"Mama, that lady's head isn't round. People's heads are supposed to be ROOOUUUUNNNDD."

"Mama, that girl is wearing boy shoes."

"Whas yo name? Girl! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

"Lady, why is your coat green?"

"Why you need that wheelchair? Can I ride too?"

I made sure she didn't get too near anyone who looked contagious (read: holding a puke pan) by letting her hold court from my lap.

Naturally she charmed the nurses, and we had fun getting her to try to say sphignometer (ooh, I spelled that right on my first try!).

Two hours later we were sent back to a room. I found an old coloring book and a handful of crayons to keep her busy. She tired of that but told me that "the next time we come here, I'll color more." The next time. Sure.

The nurse told Audrey that our doctor looked like Santa Claus and she got pretty excited. When he arrived, and he was fairly slim with a close-cropped beard, Audrey let him know in no uncertain terms that he most certainly did NOT look like Santa.

We got our prescription called in and I told Audrey it was time to go.

She clung to the side rails on the bed and refused to leave. I think she liked being there.

Maybe it was the fact that everyone was paying attention to her (as opposed to having to share attention with her sister). Maybe it was the novelty of all the buttons and gadgets she wanted to play with the second my back was turned. I don't know.

But what kind of kid wants to hang out at the ER?

This morning she is in good spirits and ate a little bit. Then she puked.

It's going to be a long Sunday.

She lives!

Well, I made it home safe and sound. Maybe not so much sound as completely hooped up on smack.

Then the good stuff wore off.

Slept most of the day away, then like a rock all night. This morning I woke up and my mouth felt like a squirrel had burrowed in it all night.

I don't feel too bad today. A little tired, a little achey.

I got to the surgicenter place at 6am and they took me back to the prep area by 6:15 or so. The nurse made me pee in a cup. I tried to tell her that there was no way I was pregnant--well, there was that .0001% my tubes decided to unravel and let something through, but it was highly unlikely.

She gave me some spiel about how if I had all my "parts", they had to do the test. Then told me a funny story about how "you haven't lived until you've asked a nurse for a pregnancy test". I got confused and asked her if she went to a Catholic high school. Laughs all around.

She gave me my sexy gown, robe and non-slip socks. Got my IV. Talked to the anesthesiologist. No loose teeth to worry about, no allergies, no problem.

My doc came in and we chatted about what was about to go down. Can med students watch the procedure? Sure, why not? Who doesn't want their vadge on display for a bunch of strangers?

Then the nurse gave me something to "take the edge off".

HOLY SHIT. I don't remember anything past that.

Last thing I do remember is watching that "Clean Sweep" show with that woman from Reno 911 and then BOOM, I was waking up from the gas.

Nurse gives me some ice chips. Do I need anything for the pain? Um...yes, please.

More dope.

There's my husband. Change back into my street clothes. Get my prescription filled. Kind of remember calling my Mom.

And home.

I've watched bits and pieces of all kinds of shitty movies. The kids are at their grandparent's house until tomorrow.

All in all, this has been a pretty sweet vacation from life.

Giving my Health Insurance a Work Out

Tomorrow I'm going in for a little minor outpatient surgery. Sadly I will be walking out with the same size boobs I walked in with, but happily minus a uterine lining.

I have to say, that sounds even more appealing in print than it does out loud. Try it..."UTERINE LINING". Mmmm. Has a nice ring to it.

This is supposed to be the last resort short of the big H which I'd rather not get if I can help it. I like my uterus. It just doesn't like me. We're working on it.

I'm driving myself over to the hospital at 6am to check in, and Jim will be over there after dropping the kids off at their respective schools. They won't let me take myself home after being under general anesthesia and on what will hopefully be pocketfulls of pain killers.

Mmmm. Pain killers.

I told Jim the other day that I was kind of looking forward to having a couple days during which I am supposed to do absolutely nothing--and not feel guilty about it.

And of course, there's the pain killers.

To clarify, I have plenty of days where I do absolutely nothing, but it's all that guilt about it that really pisses on my parade.

I was thinking about making myself a nice little play list on my iPod. Do they let you listen to music while your under the knife or, in this case, some sort of laser-beam coat hanger contraption?

Not that it matters. I'll be completely out.

But what if I have some kind of out of body experience? Mama needs a soundtrack.