Wednesday, July 11, 2007

One time I dated someone really dumb

In between sluttin' it up in college, I had an actual honest-to-goodness boyfriend for a good stretch.

He was sweet when I first met him. I almost didn't go out with him, he was so sweet. I just wasn't into nice guys. As it turned out, he wasn't a total anklebiter so I gave it a go.

We were together a few months when Christmas break came around. I visited him at his parent's house (a good three hours from mine) over the two week vacation, and had a nice time. His parents, little brother and sister left for church for a few hours at one point. Later, his dog brought the condom wrapper he had fished out from under the bed to the dinner table. I got a rockin' glare from Boyfriend's Mom and a wink from Dad.

A few months later, Boyfriend decided to get two pet mice for his dorm room. I questioned his judgement, but since I wasn't going to have anything to do with them, I passed it off as another of his stupid ideas. I was tiring of him by this point, but he was cute and fun and had certain talents a smart girl doesn't pass up lightly.

Then Spring Break rolled around.

When one lives in a college dorm, one is required to vacate the premises over any school break. They don't want you hanging around causing trouble (until moving off campus anyway) while no one "official" is on post.

I spoke with Boyfriend over break on the phone (as I wasn't exactly welcome to visit anymore...).

"How are your little pets doing? Did you Mom freak out when you walked in the door with a couple of rodents?"


"You brought them home with you, didn't you?"


He left two mice in his dorm room for a week.

Having pets in the dorms was obviously strictly forbidden, but having some janitor find them wasn't really the point. We did a lot of things we weren't supposed to be doing in the dorms.

What kind of fucktard thinks leaving living things that need to eat food and drink water alone for seven days (nine if he left on the Friday before) is a good idea?

I had never held him up as a brainiac, but this took the cake.

When we got back to school I asked him what happened. Turns out these mice had a showdown that ended with them both getting out of their cage and one of them pulling an Alive worthy cannibalistic smackdown--on Boyfriend's bed. He came back to one and a fourth dead mice nestled on his pillow.

I refused to even enter his dorm room until he threw all his bedding in the dumpster and requested (and received) a new mattress. It wasn't long after that that I had to be done with him.

Some things you just can't overlook.


anandamide said...

the fact that he wanted mice as pets didn't tip you off?

Phil said...

Wow. How long did it take the university to get him a new mattress?

Chaylene said...

anandamide: Good point. Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20.

phil: Not before I dumped him.

badinfluencegirl said...

okay that's a special kind of stupid that is

Beth said...

Yeah, that was a pretty good litmus test.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

I found dad's wink the most disturbing detail.

Grant Miller said...

The one's that get away...

Chaylene said...

badinfluencegirl: What can I say? I'm a sucker for a pretty face.

beth: I should share the letter he wrote me while touring with the Dead (!) after we broke up. Unintentional hilarity at its finest.

bsuwg: Definitely creepy.

grant: Yes, thankfully in this case.

jewgirl said...

what a cock sucking mother fucking world class DICK. I cannot believe how dumb ass he is. how irresponsible and stupid. I bet he's in prison or dead.

badgerdaddy said...

That is one fucking strange story.

And I love that you have a beer fridge. I respect that.

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