Lies I tell my children

Everyone told me how different my life would be once I had children. It's not that I didn't believe them. I just think they left out a few things.

• I now refer to myself in the third person quite often.

"Mama needs a little quiet time today."

"If you two don't stop screeching, Mama's head is going to explode."

"Mama will buy you a goddamned pony if the two of you could stop trying to break the sound barrier for two seconds."

• I can get out of things I don't want to do.

"I'd love to see your new one woman show, but darn it I can't get a babysitter that night."

"Gosh, I'd love to check out your church, but the baby kept me up all night crying."

"I'm sorry that I can't come visit you and your new slut wife for the weekend. The girls are allergic to whores."

• I get to lie.

"The store ran out of ice cream."

"Santa is watching."

"It's way past your bedtime."

"If you don't pick up your toys, a goblin will come in the middle of the night and steal them."

• I hate most people.

Competitive Parents

Women who dress themselves and their daughters alike

Churchy Moms Groups

The woman I saw walking into the grocery store with a toddler on her hip, puffing away on a cigarette

The guy I saw driving around with four little kids across the back seat, NOT buckled into carseats

Pervs who follow me around the grocery store, then try to talk to my kids

Strangers who try to engage my kids in conversation

People with this bumper sticker on their car

or any of these

or anything pissing on anything else

• I am not above bribery.
• Naps make the world a better place.
• Pullups are fancy, more expensive diapers (but we use them anyway).
• Breastfeeding doesn't just happen.
• It is possible to lose all the baby weight, yet still be a different size.
• Everything I ever did to my parents growing up will come back to haunt me in the very near future.