I love gay porn

Last night, I finally got to watch 300.

I've decided I need to run my house as King Leonidas did. From now on, I will not politely ask my children to clean up their messes.

"THIS IS OUR HOUSE! YOU WERE BORN TO SERVE OUR HOUSE! LET NOT YOUR TOYS LAY UPON THE GROUND WHICH YOU SERVE!"

I'm going to start warrior training immediately. My girls are 3 and 5 1/2. Enough time has been lost already.

We'll start simply. There are a plethora of smarmy squirrels running rampant in the backyard, perfect for target practice. We'll move on to throwing open safety pins at the mail carrier after that.

I've got a handful of flat sheets that aren't being used right now that will be perfect for capes and/or togas.

Now, does anyone know where I can find a few dozen ripped, virile half-dressed men?

Not for my project. I'm just wondering where I could find some.

Amateur Night

Good news is we got an offer.

Bad news is it was shitty with an extra shitty contingency.

Here's a hint for anyone out there looking to buy a house: Don't ask for a bunch of money back at closing.

They came in waaaay low and then asked for 3% back at closing. They also asked for the washer and dryer and some furniture we have in the attic.

Um...no.

So the dance begins.

We countered and they countered again, and they still wanted that 3% back.

The proverbial ball is in our court now. They didn't give us a time limit for the counter-counter (or would it be the counter-counter-counter? I'm losing count already...).

First of all, they don't need that much money to close--more like half that. They won't need to buy anything for house. We are leaving the fridge, dishwasher, range, window treatments and even an area rug in the dining room. I actually do want them to keep the washer and dryer, but we are trying to use it as leverage. Hell, after talking to my Mother-in-Law about it, they can keep the damn dressers in the attic as well.

Second, there is no way we are going to let go of a chunk of our profit. We're talking over $3,000 here. I never thought we were going to make a pile of money selling this house, but I sure as hell won't be handing over enough money to get us completely out of debt. The plan is to go into the next house with ZERO debt (aside from that hag Sallie Mae, but that bitch will be getting a check a month probably until my own children go to college).

We have a showing scheduled today. Ironically, it is the same realtor who talked another couple out of buying our house. Weird.

There's also another guy interested in a second showing. His sister just happens to have just rented to house next door. He might be coming over today as well.

I told my realtor to make sure they all know we have an offer in. This will either scare them off or, best case scenario, get them to hurry up and make an offer of their own.

It's going to be gorgeous Spring day today. The sun will be shining, the breeze will be gently blowing...

And the squirrels should be scared.

It was worth it

This morning, on my way to the grocery store or "the Jewels" as someone likes to call it, I hit a squirrel.

I saw it running across the road in front of me at the last moment and tapped my breaks to try and avoid him. It didn't work. I heard the unmistakable thud, and when I looked back, his little furry body lay motionless in the street.

I've only hit one other living thing in my entire driving career. It was a hedgehog...I think.

I was driving with my husband one night and, one goddamn block from home, I see this flash of something about .04 of a second before I heard that horrible ka-chunk noise at my front right wheel.

I immediately broke down in sobs, barely making it home. I made my husband go back and make sure the little guy wasn't limping across the road, so he grabbed a shovel on his way out the door.

"What are you going to do with that?!" I blubbered.

"Scrape it off the road and throw it under a bush, of course." He's so romantic.

When he got back he told me that the hedgehog (or whatever it was) was dead and he gave it a proper scraping/bush toss.

Years later he fessed up and told me that it wasn't all the way dead when he got down there, and the shovel became a multi-tasker that night.

Apparently I have become something of a heartless bitch as hitting the squirrel today pissed me off more than upset me. I drive that road at least once a day everyday, and now I am going to have to be reminded of the carnage on a regular basis.

There is an upside to all of this though. Hitting that squirrel may have been just the magic spell to get my house sold. A few hours later, I got a call from my realtor. It seems the people who came to see the house today are most likely going to put in an offer! I don't want to get too excited, but this very well could be it. Who knew all it would take was a little animal sacrifice?

I've been mulling over the idea of hitting a few more puffy-tailed rodents in the hopes of getting over asking price.