Just Because You Can Doesn't Mean You Should

That flapping sound you hear? That's Michelle Duggar's labia clapping in the wind.

I am fascinated with this family. I DVR every TLC special they throw at me. I can't get enough of this uber wholesome, yet creepy beyond words Stepford family.

Their way of living is so far beyond what I would ever consider for my own family, but I kind of admire Mrs. Duggar for, if nothing else, her top notch time management skills. 18 kids and she still finds time to knock boots with Jim Bob? Go on and git girl.

I decided to we were done half way through my second pregnancy and practically flew onto that surgical table months after Audrey was born to have my shit snipped and burnt closed.

The thought of having any more kids in my house sends a distinct shiver down my spine.

Don't get me wrong. I love my little darlings more than I could possibly express in words, but two is enough for me thankyouverymuch.

Far be it from me to judge how other parents manage their brood. Well, "far" may be a stretch. When it comes to the Duggars, I'm a judgemental bitch.

They're the ones who put themselves on basic cable to fascinate us with tater tot casserole and horrible haircuts. Thankfully Michelle finally reconsidered those bangs because her hair was so bad it was starting to hurt my feelings.

Then there's the way each child has a "buddy". From what I've seen on the shows, that's pretty much code for the older kids taking care of the younger ones. Again, not a huge blip on my radar, but with SO many little Duggars running around, when does each kid get time to themselves?

That must be how Michelle and Jim Bob have time to make more Christian Soldiers.

The kids seem happy and obnoxiously well-mannered, so who am I to piss on their city block long parade?

The last episode I watched was about the family taking a trip (in their own personal tour bus!) to a family reunion. On the way they stopped at the Creation Museum where evolution is just a shaky (evil) scientific (blasphemous) theory. You know--like global warming.

Oh, and the earth is only 6,000 years old.

I wanted Jim to watch it with me, but decided against it since he practically has a coronary when we watch Bill O. or Hannity for more than a few minutes.

The episode ended with the Duggars enjoying some summer fun in "modest" bathing suits and Michelle fawning all over her "Daddy" (that baby voice skeeves me out).

I just need to stop now.

Please use the comments box to share you innermost thoughts on this sideshow-quality family. Feel free to pass this post onto your friends directing them to join the discussion.

Carry on.

Ten Years Equals PARTY!

I had a fantastic time at our anniversary party on Saturday. It was exactly what I wanted and needed it to be.


So many old friends, so much food and most importantly, lots o' liquor.


I hope we can do this again in another ten years!


I didn't take nearly enough pictures.















This is how we started, but somehow ended up with 12 bottles by the next morning. I don't have to buy wine for a year!

















Travis being surly and pervy at the same time. I love him.





Kim and Jill. This was at the start of the party, and Jill's being silly. The most ironic part is that she actually ended up like that by the end of the night. See where she's sitting? That's where she was standing as she sacrificed all her liquor back to my porch.





























We had keg issues. Three taps later, we finally had our Heineken.





Jim is no doubt saying something VERY important









Obligatory drunk hostess shot

Vacation Review-Day One: MILAN

`After a flight from Ohare to JFK, a 5 hour layover, and a plane that was 45 minutes late:


I finally made it to Malpensa Airport in Milan.


As soon as I got off my flight, I changed my dollars into euros and got a ticket for the shuttle bus into Milan's Stazione Centrale.


Everyone who told me that our dollar is weak wasn't joking. I was a little bummed at how little euro I got in the exchange rate.


The ride into the city reminded me a bit of the freeways in Chicago, except that every sign was in Italian. The bus had air conditioning which I would soon learn was a luxury in most of Italy.



I got off the bus at Stazione Centrale and found the baggage storage so I could explore the city for the day.

Walking out of the train station.





First, I found the Metro and took it to the Duomo.


Breathtaking.


A friend told me that when she went, she audibly gasped when she walked up out of the Metro, and I now understand why.

Because it is high season, there were so many people everywhere and so many people ready to take your money.

The birdseed sellers pissed me off. I was so hot and tired, I really didn't feel like being harassed in and around my personal space.

It was Sunday, so there was a service going on. I felt kind of disrespectful taking pictures while people were getting their jesus on even though no one else seemed to have a problem with it.

The floor was cool too.

I asked around for Jesus' email address, but no one wanted to give it to me.

After checking out the inside, I walked around the corner to get a view from the roof. Everywhere I turned, there was another picture to take.

Gargoyles!

It was SO hot, but I didn't care. This was so amazing to see up close.

I was wandering around, checking out the shops at the "mall"...

when I heard a screeching sound and saw a large flaming gay man approaching me with his arms out.

How did I know he was gay? Well, he mentioned it in the first 5 seconds of our conversation. That and he was also from Barcelona and a hermaphrodite who was taking hormones, and would be getting surgery to complete his "womanhood" in two years.


First.Five.Seconds.


He wanted to see my tattoos. He asked me if I was from Australia. He wanted to know if he freaked me out. He wanted to read my palm.


He talked so fast and so loud, I was having trouble understanding what the hell was going on.


He wanted to walk around the corner to tell me my fortune, and before I knew it we were sitting on a bench in the hot sun and he was giving me a "special deal" for the reading.



Uh huh.



I was too weak from hunger, sweat and being in a completely foreign country to walk away from what was surely a con.


I kept a close hold on my bag and figured that even though he was full of shit, at least it was going to make for good blog fodder.


After spewing (literally. He spit a look when he spoke) a bunch of vague visions, he took me by the hand and wanted to show me the "gay park". At that point, I knew better than to go anywhere with him and told him I was going to go have lunch now--alone.



I had a salad and fruit at a self serve lunch place, then some gelato (strawberry).


I was starting to really feel the jet lag, and it was almost time for my train so I made my way back to the train station and found a place to sit down and drink a beer and smoke a cigarette in peace.


Let me just say this: While you cannot smoke indoors in Italy, you can pretty much smoke anywhere else, and most everywhere has an outdoor seating area. No one gives you dirty looks either like they seem to here in the states. It was kind of nice except that I smoked way too much while I was over there.

Milan was cool; maybe a little too fast-paced for me. Everyone was in a hurry, and it was Sunday. I can't imagine what it's like there on a work day.

I found my train and tried my hardest not to fall asleep (per my cousin's advice) so that I could sleep a full night when I got to their house.


It took a while to make it to them, and I had to change trains. It was all pretty clear cut and, even though everything was in Italian, I'd been in enough train stations to figure out where I needed to be.


I didn't get to my cousin and her husband until 10pm, but she only lives about 10 minutes from the train station.


I'm sure I looked (and smelled) like the train had dragged me there. I got a quick shower and went straight to bed where I slept like I've never slept before.


I basically woke up in the same positon I had passed out in 12 hours earlier, and this is the view out of her guest bedroom:




After that, I was good to go. Once I had a solid sleep behind me, the time difference (they are seven hours ahead) didn't really bother me.

We decided to go to Venice for the day, but those pictures will be in the next post.