Just Because You Can Doesn't Mean You Should

That flapping sound you hear? That's Michelle Duggar's labia clapping in the wind.

I am fascinated with this family. I DVR every TLC special they throw at me. I can't get enough of this uber wholesome, yet creepy beyond words Stepford family.

Their way of living is so far beyond what I would ever consider for my own family, but I kind of admire Mrs. Duggar for, if nothing else, her top notch time management skills. 18 kids and she still finds time to knock boots with Jim Bob? Go on and git girl.

I decided to we were done half way through my second pregnancy and practically flew onto that surgical table months after Audrey was born to have my shit snipped and burnt closed.

The thought of having any more kids in my house sends a distinct shiver down my spine.

Don't get me wrong. I love my little darlings more than I could possibly express in words, but two is enough for me thankyouverymuch.

Far be it from me to judge how other parents manage their brood. Well, "far" may be a stretch. When it comes to the Duggars, I'm a judgemental bitch.

They're the ones who put themselves on basic cable to fascinate us with tater tot casserole and horrible haircuts. Thankfully Michelle finally reconsidered those bangs because her hair was so bad it was starting to hurt my feelings.

Then there's the way each child has a "buddy". From what I've seen on the shows, that's pretty much code for the older kids taking care of the younger ones. Again, not a huge blip on my radar, but with SO many little Duggars running around, when does each kid get time to themselves?

That must be how Michelle and Jim Bob have time to make more Christian Soldiers.

The kids seem happy and obnoxiously well-mannered, so who am I to piss on their city block long parade?

The last episode I watched was about the family taking a trip (in their own personal tour bus!) to a family reunion. On the way they stopped at the Creation Museum where evolution is just a shaky (evil) scientific (blasphemous) theory. You know--like global warming.

Oh, and the earth is only 6,000 years old.

I wanted Jim to watch it with me, but decided against it since he practically has a coronary when we watch Bill O. or Hannity for more than a few minutes.

The episode ended with the Duggars enjoying some summer fun in "modest" bathing suits and Michelle fawning all over her "Daddy" (that baby voice skeeves me out).

I just need to stop now.

Please use the comments box to share you innermost thoughts on this sideshow-quality family. Feel free to pass this post onto your friends directing them to join the discussion.

Carry on.

Well, it's pretty damn convenient for me

60 degrees in January? In Illinois?

I love it!

Pass the cigarettes and the motherfuckin' hairspray!

Yesterday I changed the course of history

At my house, smoking is relegated outside to the back porch.

Mornings, I sit out here with my coffee, cigarettes and laptop and ease into my day. I live such a charmed life, yes?

A few days ago I snuck out for a quick smoke break to find a butterfly frantically flapping its wings against the window, trying to find its way out. It was freaky, and this thing did not want to give up.

Two days later, the thing was still aflappin' at the window pane. "A" for effort, man.

It had been at it for so long, its wings were starting to fray, but it was hellbent on breaching the unbreachable.

I couldn't take it anymore. I set aside my disdain for touching any type of insect and carefully grabbed one of its flappers and threw it out the door.

What's that saying about a butterfly flapping its wings in China...

Quality Family Time is Important

You know what we do for fun at my house? We play Fox News Channel vs. The Kids. By "The Kids", I mean my kids, Mina (5 1/2) and Audrey (2 1/2).

For dinner, I served Baked chicken, broccoli and raspberries.

Mina: I like broccoli. Broccoli makes you smart.

Me: That's true.

Mina: And broccoli makes you walk faster.

Me: That hasn't been proven. Can you back that up with facts?

Mina: It's true.

Me: Why? Because you say it's true? Don't spout your lefty propaganda around here.

Mina: What's "ganda"?

Husband: Next you'll try and tell me carrots have feelings.

Audrey: Carrots are good!

Me: No need for ad hominem attacks here, little missy.

Husband: It's a strawman argument.

Mina: The strawman is in the Wizard of Oz.

Me: Frank Baum was a Communist.

Husband: Pinko Commie, just like the rest of the drive-by media.

Mina: Pink is my favorite color!

Me: Mina, why do you hate America?

Nobel Peace Prize

What do (Environment-obsessed) Liberals and (Jesus-obsessed) Conservatives have in common?

Faith.

When someone finds out I am a godless heathen, the first thing out of their mouth is usually, "Why not believe just in case?" Their reasoning is that if I'm right, I've lost nothing and if I'm wrong, then I still get to join their harp and lute band in the sky after I'm dead. When I counter that I've been down that road, and little things like facts and science dictate that I no longer buy it, they tell me to "have faith". For example, faith is supposed to make me overlook evolution ("It's just a theory!" "Scientists can be wrong!").

On the drive home from my parent's house last Friday, I hit some bad weather. It sucked and I was a little freaked out by the horrendous winds and snow. I needed a distraction from my impending doom, so I set my radio to WLS and caught a chunk of the Sean Hannity talk show. I figured I could channel my fear into rage and keep my car on the road.

Sean was discussing global warming and the fact that he doesn't believe we humans are responsible for it ("It's just a theory!" "Scientists can be wrong!"). Then a woman called in and mused that even if global warming is some kind of "cockamamie lefty propaganda designed to hurt capitalism" (to paraphrase Mr. Hannity), shouldn't we err on the side of caution just in case? In essence, shouldn't we have faith that the scientists are correct. Either way, we win by taking an active role in preserving our planet.


Maybe I'm grasping at straws here. It just struck me that both sides are essentially asking the other side to do the same thing: Have faith that the other is right.

Of course, this is coming from someone who neither goes to church nor recycles, so both sides hate me.

At least they can agree on something.