Monday, April 30, 2007

Jesus Meme

Ms. Katie wants to know what I would do if Jesus came aknockin', and I am pleased to share my answer.

First of all, he would probably ring the door bell, which would piss me off. No one who knows me well uses the front door. (dirty joke it comes...) All my good friends use the back door.

The door bell ringing would send my dogs into a frenzied rage until Jesus crossed the threshold into my home, at which time they would commence their usual violent tongue wagging and pleas for belly rubs.

I would probably offer him something to drink and maybe a bowl of water for his donkey who is welcome to stay in the yard.
My older daughter would most likely force him into a game of My Little Pony Happy Fun Dress Up Time and inevitably ask him if he has a penis.
My younger daughter would most likely stare from a safe distance whilst hiding behind my legs. She doesn't trust men with beards and I can't say that I blame her.
Small talk would be awkward as I'm sure He would already know that I'm an Atheist. I might not ever be convinced by the many Fundies I've encountered in my life, but I could be swayed by a little water-to-wine action on His part.
I'd feel obliged to make Him dinner--fish perhaps? What would Jesus eat?
It wouldn't be fair to keep such a special visitor a secret, so naturally I'd have to drive him around to visit with friends.
"Oh my God!" They would say when they saw who I was with.
"Exactly!" I would reply, cracking myself up.
Maybe we would go shopping. That robe look is so 2,000 years ago. A nice pair of jeans goes a long way in making a man look his best. He's got that long and sinewy thing goin' on--maybe a fitted t-shirt to top of the new ensemble.
Most importantly, I would give him a haircut. Can you imagine the scraggles he has going on? If he would let me, I think a deep conditioner would do him a world of good.
Being married, I don't think my husband would think too highly of me getting any kind of action with The Jeez. I suppose He has the power to erase memories or stop time,so it's not completely out of the cards. I'd almost have to do it. When would I ever get a chance like this again?!
I'm supposed to tag 5 other people:
Grant Miller Media
Blowing Shit Up With Gas
God's Own Suburb

Note: I have no idea why I can't double space the last part of this. What the fuck?


Phil said...

This just reminded me of a pic I have of Jim. I will send.

Wait, maybe I'll just use it in my post since you tagged me.

Jenna said...

I'll just answer this one here and now. I'd be totally psyched if Jesus came over. Evie and Vivian would probably run up to him with "Daddy's Home!" because Andrew is a dead ringer for Jesus. Then I'd call Andrew and tell him that we had a holy houseguest drop in so please pick up dinner, because I don't truck with no loaves and fishes.

Then I would totally don a snitch jacket and tell Jesus what all the fundie a-holes were doing in his name. And we'd get us some big sticks and go on an ass whuppin' spree.

"jew" "girl" said...

this is beyond fucking hysterical! I howled, do you hear me, HOWLED. love it. soooo linking to it.

Amy Guth said...

HAHAHA! I'm dying over here. My Little Pony and peen references get me every time. You are a riot.

Chaylene said...

Phil: I'm on pins and needles! Can't wait to see the pic.

Jenna: I would be thrilled to read about your and Jesus' ass whuppin' spree in the paper.

Oh, and I'm sure Audrey could get over her beardaphobia for Andrew.

Katie: Why thank you ever so much. I was inspired by the best.

Amy Guth: Thank you. What's a blog without MLP and genitalia?

Winter said...

I believe I would sell tickets..

If you can't make money of Jesus, just who can you?

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Ok, I answered... Geez, just when some new people were starting to read my blog, too! I guess I'll alienate most of them. Thanks, Chaylene!

Mountjoy said...

...and the cool thing would be if you did get it on with him, you could yell out Oh My God! Oh My God! at the top of your voice, and he'd be going Yes! Yes! Yes!

For Your Scrapbook

My photo
I like stuff and things. I've been married for close to 14 years and have two miniature versions of myself running around (and it frightens me most of the time). I have never been nor will I ever be a vegetarian.