Thursday, December 11, 2008

I wish I had a communicable, uncurable disease right now

I decided that since I was running late to the gym I would just get in a little treadmill action. It's not ever my first choice of activity because it involves me making an actual self-motivated effort to sweat.

In a class I am sort of guilted into pushing through because everyone around me is too. When I work out by myself I usually get bored and quit early.

Today though I actually pushed myself and...RAN. Not super fast or anything, and only for a few minute burst, but I did it. And I didn't die. It's a good start.

After about a half hour I decided I wanted to be done, but I knew Audrey would have a Britney-scale freak out if I told her it was time to leave the kid care room. She loves that place.

I decided I would go upstairs and, no matter what the 10:15 class was, I would take it.

Lucky me, it was that "dance" workout class, Zumba.

Not wanting to puss out, I stayed. The teacher was really sweet so I wanted to at least give it a chance.

The second I decided to stay, I saw this woman walking towards me who I recognized from Audrey's first preschool. I don't remember her name, so I'll just call her "Bitch that won't shut the hell up" or BTWSTHU for short.

BTWSTHU started in immediately. "HI! How've you been? Carson is in preschool today so I'm here taking this class, it's fun, I've only done it once, but it was really really fun, how's Audrey? I think about her all the time, I knew I would run into you sooner or later, do you do swim lessons? We do them at Happy Splashes, and my sons love it, it's two times a week so they really liked it, it's expensive but I think it's worth it, you will love this class, it's not that hard...."

No breaths taken. No pauses for responses.

And she's one of those who, instead of taking a breath or a break from yapping, she inserts a "well, like I said before" to segue back into something she already beat to death 10 minutes ago.

It's impossible to escape conversation with her short of being hit by a car.

Thankfully the class started and the music was so loud I couldn't hear her. Finally, she stopped talking.

I'll admit the class was kind of fun. I'll probably do it again but really, if I feel like dancing around like an idiot I'll do what I normally do and throw back a few drinks before heading downtown to the gay bar. Duh.

I stopped to take a water break at the same time as an old lady in the class. As soon as I had the water bottle to my lips I heard, "Excuse me. I think that's mine".

I felt really bad, but it wasn't really my fault. She put her water, which looked exactly like mine, right next to my stuff.

"I'm so sorry, " I said. What was I supposed to do? So I added, "Um...I don't have cooties if that makes you feel any better." and kind of lightly put my hand on her shoulder to really bring the point home.

What do you think that bitch did? Bristled! BRISTLED at my friendly gesture. And then took the other water bottle and went out of her way to throw it in the trash.

Oh, for the love.

I ended up leaving the class early because I had had enough of both BTWSTHU and Crotch-face old lady. Plus I was getting hungry.

As I was leaving I made sure to make eye contact with Crotchy and mouth the word "Herpes" and blow her a kiss.

That'll show her.


Grant Miller said...

I hear a lot of ladies at my healthclub talk about how fun Zumba is, but I still don't really know what it is.

It can't be that much fun, can it?

Some Guy said...

I've never been in a class like that, but do people use iPods or anything? That might be a good defense against people like Miss Talkie. I suppose it might come off as rude, but I think excessive blabbing is equally rude.

Bacon Lady said...

Grant: I think it's mostly for people who don't have any fun any place else.

SG: There is no escaping her.

SkylersDad said...

My friend, Pam, that I work out in the mornings with, took a step class one day for something different to do. She was one of the first in the room, and went up towards the front. The class filled up and just before it started in marched 3 "trophy wives" as she called them who told the folks at the front that they were in their places, and these were for the "regulars". The other two ladies moved but Pam stayed and elbowed them a lot.

Bacon Lady said...

SD: I like Pam.

Mrs. F said...

I consider myself a generally fun person. I also LOVE Zumba. :)

Bacon Lady said...

Mrs. F: Present company excluded, of course.

I'll try it again. Just not the 10:15 class. I don't want to see that crazy woman if I can help it.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I used to go to a ladies only gym and quit because of all the gum flapping. Some of the women there acted like it was a social event.

These days it's me and the treadmill. I love it and pet it and call it George.

I probably would have jammed that water bottle right up that woman's left nostril. But the less violent, implying that you have herpes thing was probably the smarter move.

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