Monday, January 7, 2008

One time I could have gone to jail


Back in college I partied a lot. Like a LOT a lot. It makes perfect sense that I never got my degree. I pretty much pushed the limits of my very being for a good four years.

But it's alright. I wouldn't take more than a handful of those experiences back, and everything turned out OK in the end. I mean, look at me now. I'm Suzy fucking Homemaker!

I was a bartender as one of my many jobs through college which meant that, on a busy night anyway, I didn't get the chance to get my personal drink on until after close at an after hours party.

Most of the bartenders went out together after close which was fun because I didn't have to be the only partially sober person walking into the mayhem of people who'd already been drinking for several hours.

One night my friend Alison and I went out after work with an old friend of hers, Pete, who was in town visiting. He was a nice guy and was game to join us for what I thought would be a few beers at a small gathering.

We got there and the party was outside. I remember it was a really warm night and everyone was sitting in the grass just chatting and laughing.

At one point I lost track of Alison. I was talking to Pete for a little bit when I looked up to see Alison in a very heated argument with some dumpy drunk guy.

Pete seemed a little apprehensive about the situation but we both knew Alison well. She could handle herself in just about any situation.

A few minutes later I could tell their conversation was getting heated...then physical. Pete and I looked at each other in disbelief. They weren't throwing punches. It was more like a very unfriendly wrestling match. It was so weird because they weren't making a whole lot of noise and it was pretty dark in the yard so no one was really paying attention.

At one point, Dumpy Drunk Dude had Alison pinned by the shoulders with his knees. He had his weight as a major advantage and I could tell Alison was stuck.

I looked at Pete, reached behind him and grabbed an empty beer bottle. I got up and silently walked over to the ruckus.

I calmly told DDD to "get the fuck off her" before smashing the bottle over his head.

I stood there for a good 5 seconds before I heard someone tell me to run. And I ran.

My boyfriend at the time (presently my husband) lived a few short blocks away and I sprinted just as fast as my short little legs could take me.
I burst into the apartment to find he and his roommate playing Tomb Raider, oblivious to my half crazed panting behind them.

"Holy shit!" I said trying to break Lara Croft's vice-like grip on their senses, "I just broke a bottle on some guy's head!"

Before I could get any reaction out of either of them, Alison and Pete came in.

"Holy shit!" Alison yelled, "You just broke a bottle on some guy's head!"



About a year later I was at the bar hanging out when some guy I didn't recognize walked up to me and told me I owed him a drink. It took me a minute to figure it out. Then, I couldn't help myself. I started laughing.

He tried to make me feel guilty about the fact that he needed a bunch of stitches that night, but I wasn't having it. I told him he deserved it, and walked away.



11 comments:

SkylersDad said...

Damn right he deserved it! Nice swingin Tex!

Earth Muffin said...

Good going, girl! He did deserve that and I hope you didn't actually buy him a drink when he asked for one.

And, by the way, I knew you in college and you were a delightful drunk!

babycartinperil said...

Why i gotta someone's bitch?
yeah, i COULD normally hold my own, but sober, after 5 hours on my feet, not so much. Our stories could probably still get us arrested. Oh wait, i was. sorry gotta go, PTA calling.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I have always wanted to do that. You were awesome and you saved your friend from some weirdo. It's a memory you should hang onto when you're at PTO meetings and such.

Bubs said...

Feminist avenger or boozed-up white trash? I like em both. I picture you wearing a vintage party dress at the time.

Cool story! By the way, this quote:

"It was more like a very unfriendly wrestling match. It was so weird because they weren't making a whole lot of noise..." is one of the best descriptions of a real fight I've read. That is exactly what most real fights end up looking (and sounding) like.

Has Johnny Yen ever told you the story about seeing a guy's eyeball pop out in a bar fight in Charleston? You guys can swap downstate alcohol-fueled fight yarns.

Grant Miller said...

How did the video game turn out for your husband?

Johnny Yen said...

Good job! The MF'er deserved it!

Johnny Yen said...

Oh, and the story Bubs refers to is this one. Just remember-- it's all fun and games until someone gets an eye put out. And then it's really funny!

GETkristiLOVE said...

Yeah, he had it coming and bonus - the beer was empty.

SkippyMom said...

I like the fact that everyone at the party had the wherewithall to yell "Run" - they obviously realized he deserved it too...Way to go!

Coaster Punchman said...

Did you ever find out what they were doing? Meaning, was it a friendly wrestling match or were they really fighting? If a) you are in trouble. If b) you are off the hook. (In CP's court that is.)

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